Well, probably, the females of sea horses live. Nature showed indulgence to them, freeing them from the female share to bear offspring – males do it for them. Unlike the human female, they do not listen to men’s moaning about the lack of sex amid the crying of a newly born baby. And do not peer at yourself, anxiously trying to find at least a tiny spark of extinct sexual desire. She learned about where sex disappears after the birth of the child.
The duality that accompanies the entire pregnancy – from a morning attack of toxicosis to an inexpressible sense of euphoria, can remain after the birth of the child. Despite the beautiful phrases about the children-flowers-life, the birth of a new person is a serious test for family relations. And not because he wants to eat and stay awake at the “wrong time”, and not because he throws the toys in the “wrong places” – he just completely fills the space, even that which is intended for two. “A new person appears in the family, and with him new responsibilities. This affects all spheres of family life, including intimate relationships between spouses, – says the director of the Anti-Stress Center, psychotherapist Maxim Zagoruiko. “The relationship goes to a new level, new colors appear in sex.” However, these colors are not always joyful and bright colors. Let’s consider the most frequent reasons for such changes.
1. Attention, attention!
The most important reason for the decline in a woman’s sexual desire is a change in priorities, her attention shifts from a man to a child. “At the end of pregnancy a woman’s dominant is formed and at that moment the libido decreases,” says psychotherapist of the Insight clinic Igor Lyakh. – When a child worries, cries, fixation of attention on it continues.
Maternal instinct temporarily excludes her husband as a sexual partner – he is only a partner in caring for a child, a person creating an environment for living together, the value of a man is changing. ”
At the same time, according to Maxim Zagoruiko, at least three negative variants of the situation development are possible (rare stories, when the husband understands everything and waits patiently, we put it beyond the brackets):
• A husband, seeing a decrease in sexual desire, decides that he is not loved, but this should not be, offended, angry and looking for comfort on the side. Needless to say, this is why sexual relations do not get better?
• The husband, seeing that the woman is very tired, gets used to feel sorry for her and does not insist on intimacy. When the child grows up, the husband does not insist, as usual, and the wife is silent, embarrassed to admit that she would like his perseverance.
• A woman who does not want to offend her husband agrees to sex, despite the lack of desire. But the saying “appetite comes with eating” works only at the dinner table. “Frequent coercion of oneself to sexual intercourse leads to a loss of natural desire and satisfaction from sexual intercourse, while resistance and tension can increase. Sex is less and less, desires are less and less, “the psychotherapist Zagoruiko describes the sad picture.
Changes in the figure, breastfeeding, the appearance of folds where they should not be – all this often leads to restraint and discontent with yourself.
“Very often this is inherent in the culture of the family – if the relationship is healthy, there is understanding, then the stage of pregnancy and feeding is normal, there is nothing shameless in it,” explains Igor Lyakh. Problems arise if the complexes are part of the family tradition, in this case excessive shyness or discontent with oneself will manifest after the birth of the child.
3. Merged together
It also happens that a woman merges with the child in a literal and figurative sense. Identification of self with the baby is expressed not only in the substitution of pronouns – “we ate”, “we slept”, but also in the complete ousting of the man – he has no place in this idyllic world. “A child loves mother absolutely and absolutely, and from the side of her husband to his wife there, and there can not be such unconditional love. The woman is tempted to unite with the child, “says Maxim Zagoruiko. Often this model is adopted by the woman from the parent family, where there was a close relationship between the mother and her daughter, and the father was ousted. In addition, it can happen to a woman who is convinced that her main purpose in life is to give birth and bring up a child. When a person is busy with his main purpose, he clearly does not have sex.
At this time, the mother of a woman can come out on the stage – under the pretext of knowledge and experience the grandmother can let in the small circle “mother-baby”, the stronger she is displacing the child from the father. “There is a kind of competition between mother-in-law and her husband,” Igor Lyakh describes the common problem. “A woman hides behind her own mother, and this leads to the fact that her husband is thrown out.”
Many women after childbirth begin to actively express dissatisfaction with their men. I forgot to buy diapers, did not wash the dishes, I took the child wrong – there is always an excuse. A man is trying to oblige, to force to do “as it should”, not allowing himself to express himself. Those, in turn, are perplexed and offended.
According to experts, the depreciation of her husband after childbirth is quite common. “This is due to the fact that, having given birth, a woman takes a new place in the social hierarchy – she is now not just a woman, but a woman with a child.
And if she had not had a very good relationship with her husband before, he often completely depreciates as a person. Fortunately, this is a temporary process for the majority, “Igor Lyakh reassures.
5. Oedipus complex
The next moment follows from the previous one – having felt like a mistress of the situation, the woman becomes more demanding, overbearing and even aggressive. “If she finds support from other women – mother, girlfriend or even mother-in-law, then the man is treated like an unfinished man – a half-child,” continues Igor Lyah. In the end, the man is removed – not only from the upbringing process, but also from his own wife. If a woman does not show disdain, a man is able to feel like a father, and the wife is perceived as a spouse, not a mother.
Based on these reasons, it becomes clear what not to do. Maxim Zagoruiko recommends to be interested in the feelings and desires of a partner, to help him understand them. It is also important to be aware of your preferences and communicate them to your partner, to learn to build equal relationships, in which the needs of both parties are equally important.