Not so long ago a woman who gave birth to a child without a father was a disgrace for the family and an object for reproaching. Modern society has already reconciled with a large number of mothers, independently raising children, but the discussion of their problems immediately turns into sympathetic responses to the penny allowances for the child and problems with housing. If you depart from the usual way of thinking, you can find those who did not become a victim of circumstances, and deliberately chose “independent motherhood”. Why this happens and what problems are waiting for single mothers, SHE correspondents learned.
Arguments and Facts
According to the State Statistics Committee, more than a quarter of all children in Russia are born out of wedlock. There are not so many single fathers among such parents – 94% of single-parent families are single mothers. The number of women who gave birth without a husband knowingly, no one specifically calculated, but, according to experts, they become more, and this is invariably associated with social changes. According to the sociologist Irina Skalaban, there are three reasons for this. The first is related to the demographic factor – if compared with other countries, the mortality rate among Russian men is quite high. The second is the peculiarities of urban culture, everyone knows that in large cities people are not so dependent on public opinion as in small ones. And the third – the family ceases to be the only institution that brings stability and prosperity.
“Instead of the” muzhina-woman-child “situation, a new situation is being formed-a” female child “, a” male child “, explains the sociologist. “From this point of view, such a form as a woman after a divorce from a child is perceived as normal.”
A woman, who has departed from the usual scenario, including grooming of the groom, registration and the child in a year, society refuses to understand. And the reasons for this are the same as the public condemnation of divorced women, which took place before. The only one to whom are condescending is the woman at the limit of childbearing age – she no longer has time to search for the prince. All the rest in the moral right to give birth to themselves so far denied – “not humanly it.” “Public opinion punishes everything that is unusual for him. It changes because there are problems, and people try to solve them, but if the problems persist and become stable, the society sooner or later has to accept it. In view of the fact that the norms appear faster and in general the mobility of society is greatly increased,
Looking for a father for a child
While society is learning to be tolerant and understanding, women who raise their children on their own, still try to improve their personal lives. It turns out not always. According to the director of the Anti-stress Center, psychotherapist Maxim Zagoruiko, men are often afraid to build stable and long-term relationships with a woman who has children: “If a man goes for it, then he faces the task of somehow organizing relationships with the child, he can not always with it to cope. Besides, not every man wants to bring up his children.
Because of this, many problems can arise – the man thinks that he should love children, the woman thinks that he should, the children are beginning to make them love the new father, but “you will not be forced by force.” All this can lead to protests of children and a mass of severe experiences in adults. “
The sense of guilt on the part of the mother also hinders the building of relationships. According to the therapist, a woman is either afraid to bring a man, feeling guilty, as she pays time for herself, not for the child, or generally avoids relations with men. “She thinks: maybe someday later – but often this” sweat “never comes, and it’s a certain burden on the child,” warns Maxim Zagoruiko. – If the mother is afraid of a relationship with a man, the child feels it and begins to “save” it from this relationship. And later, when it’s time to leave the family, start his own life, he does not go away, he continues to save his mother and he has problems. ”
It is quite natural for a woman to take into account the interests of the child in the search for a new life partner – it would be strange if it were otherwise.
Difficulties arise when there is a shift in priorities and the woman is looking not for a man for herself, but a father for her child.
“If she joins her life with such a man, then after the children grow up, he fulfills that function for which they came together, and the family can collapse,” says the psychotherapist Maxim Zagoruiko. “It is important that a woman understand that she is looking for a man for herself, but it is more important for him to build a kind and respectful relationship with the child, rather than strive to love him at any cost.”
Scientists at the University of Cornell (USA) came to disappointing conclusions in their research. First, women who have given birth to a child out of wedlock are less likely to marry than women who do not have children. Secondly, when choosing a partner, single mothers are less selective, which often leads to unhappy marriages.
Son for father
Often an incomplete and inferior family is equated, explaining that the presence of the pope, whatever it is, has a beneficial effect on the child’s self-awareness and allows him to see the male pattern of behavior, while his absence will unambiguously lead to negative consequences. This generalization does not take into account a number of subjective factors, for example, that the alcoholic father who beats his mother is unlikely to be able to contribute something positive to the upbringing of the child.
“If the relationship between mother and child is good and the child is healthy psychologically, then there are no special problems: such children grow up responsible, caring, in the future they will get good husbands,” says Maxim Zagoruiko, noting that, unfortunately, occurs infrequently.
According to him, the situation is widespread when the son begins to fulfill the role of the husband of the mother: does something about the household, listens to her complaints, emotionally supports – that is, in fact, he performs all the functions of the husband except for sexual ones. “It’s hard for a child,” says the psychologist, “because he feels that his mother needs him and can not build his life. What kind of girls can be, if he is married to his mother? For boys, this situation is often more difficult than for girls. ”
But we should not rush to blame women for the fact that their choice in favor of lonely motherhood will have a negative impact on children. All the same mechanisms – from attention deficit to psychological dependence on the mother – perfectly work in complete families.