“Chains of marriage are so heavy that they have to be borne by two. Sometimes three of us, “- said Alexander Dumas-son back in the XIX century. For a modern institution of marriage, this is more than a topical statement.
If we believe a variety of studies on this issue, his partner is changing the horrifying number of men and women. Why is there a betrayal, is it worth knowing about it and what to do if it became known about the treason, the correspondent of SE explained.
Treason – a twofold phenomenon. On the one hand, they are common, they are talked about a lot, they are shown in any modern TV series. On the other hand, the feelings experienced by people in a real encounter with betrayal are equally unchanged: pain, resentment, frustration, fear of loneliness … What pushes people to such a dangerous step? Let’s try to list the main motives leading to treason:
1. Unmet need for a relationship The
partners have been together for some time, know each other well, they have a well-established way of life, more formal sex and less joy from staying with each other. Feelings were not so bright as at first, and the need for emotionally saturated, warm and tender relationships with the partner was preserved. “It seems to be all right, but something is wrong, and what is not clear. And suddenly in communication with another person recognition occurs: I have long been not so easy / fun / interesting / calm, etc.
It is the unsatisfied need that has accumulated for a long time, declares itself when it meets a source of its satisfaction and can become the cause of betrayal.
Treason itself can be a side effect, most importantly – this person satisfies a certain need that has not been saturated for a long time, “commented Marina Vainer, psychologist at Alice Center in Moscow.
2. Lack of opportunity to be close to the partner.
Psychoanalyst, head of the psychotherapeutic department of the Insight clinic, Igor Lyakh, told that there are certain risky periods in the relationship, after which the desire to change passes. This can be during periods of long separation, for example, when one of the partners leaves on a business trip, or during the pregnancy of the wife and in the first months after the birth of the child. In such situations, a person does not have the opportunity to satisfy his needs with a regular partner, and he does it “on the side”.
3. Divergent interests
Relationships are a living space within which development must necessarily take place. And if the partners strive in their development in different directions, this inevitably leads to a search by one or both partners of another like-minded person. “Often, betrayal can be a natural step and be the beginning of parting, when the couple disagree about interests or interaction in a pair is irreconcilable. Perhaps they were left half a year before the divorce, they just did not talk about it yet, “Igor Lyakh said.
To know or not to know?
For sure, every couple dreams that the life together was interesting, honest and deep. Perhaps, that’s why different women treat different people differently. The results of the survey carried out by the SHE portal divided women into two almost equal in number camps: those who want to know the truth (39. 16%), and those who think that the less you know, the better you sleep (43. 71%) . The remaining 17. 13% found it difficult to answer. Variants of reaction to treason can be set: to know, but pretend that you do not know; Do not know and live in the illusion of a happy family life; and of course, know and save relationships.
In any case, knowledge is a much more complicated version of the reaction. According to Marina Weiner, knowledge always implies the need for a response, a responsible position. It will be necessary to take a decision on this fact.
And it means – to change habitual attitudes or to change completely a way of life that threatens with uncertainty and crises. Igor Lyakh adds to this that learning about treason is to learn that you are not overpriced for a partner, and this knowledge can be very painful, it is much easier to live in illusory stability.
Treason in many cases becomes a signal that there are problems in relations, that partners lack something. An honest look at this is capable of helping the couple to change attitudes, to see and bring into the relationship the very thing that one of them would like to get on the side. This can become a serious stimulus to the internal growth of partners and their relations. Nevertheless, there are options when the fact of adultery does not open. This is a situation where betrayal is not a change in the attitude towards a partner and does not affect the relationship. And also those situations when the “left” partner who is going down is convinced that the best representative of the human race is next to him, and this becomes his first and last experiment.
If it became known …
In this case, psychologists unanimously recommend calming down and rationally approaching the situation.
According to experts, treason is in fifth place out of 21 factors in the significance of various events that lead to acute depression and neurosis. It is experienced even more difficult than divorce and dismissal from work.
Therefore, the decision in the hearts can only aggravate the consequences of treason. Try to begin to understand the reasons for the infidelity of the spouse. It is much easier to do this with a psychologist, but the honesty and desire to understand the changed partner is already enough to start clarifying the situation. Igor Lyah says that many couples who survived adultery say that when they managed to renew their feelings, the result was even better than they expected: their relationship became closer, and there was no more betrayal. And sometimes the changes were so strong that others reported that the partners in the pair literally changed.
And one more tip. If you decide to forgive a loved one, then think about the question: what is the most valuable for you in your partner and in your relationship? Take a sheet of paper, a pen and list by points all the attractive qualities of your union. Save this record, and then, when there are conflicting situations between you or the memories of treason pop up, reread it.
It’s easier to destroy than to save. Think about whether you want to become unique and unique for your partner? Perhaps, if this question is addressed to your partner, he will answer the same way as you. So, the only thing left for you is to be honest and fill the space of your relationship with respect and love.