“The Lieutenant took her hand and held it to her lips. Hand, small and strong, smelled of sunburn. And my heart froze with happiness and fear at the thought of how strong and swarthy she was all under this easy linen dress after a whole month of lying under the southern sun, on the hot sea sand … ” Perhaps, such sensations are familiar not only to the hero of Bunin’s story, but also to many men who live after him. In the future, between the heroes will happen what is now called a casual connection, and after parting with a stranger he will be bitterly in pain in Bunin that sex (with all due respect to the classics that’s exactly what happened) did not become an occasion for acquaintance. SHE has learned about why men and women go for casual connections and what they eventually result in.
In fact, random connections are a very delicate topic. Public morality prescribes that a decent woman should suppress her baser desires and with her head raised proudly to bypass all suggestions of an intimate plan. Sex in the life of a decent woman must certainly happen with a decent man, in a decent place and after a decent period, when all the sweets are eaten, and the bouquets are carefully arranged around the vases. At the same time, stereotypes often do not coincide with true desires and sometimes look ridiculous – as the well-known decent woman Masyanya used to say, “I do not care about physiological sex, there must necessarily be a feeling – well, for example, to smoke together or get drunk …”.
Seriously, the woman is indeed inherently determined to have a longer relationship, but the social changes associated with women’s desire for equality have made some adjustments. “First there was a society of modernism, where a woman needed to manifest herself.
In the society of postmodernism, a woman is even more competitive than a man – stronger and more confident, and the desire for one-time connections has recently been on an equal footing with a man,
“says Andrei Ermakov, psychotherapist of the psychosomatic department at the Harmony Center of the DCC, This is that men are biologically programmed to leave information to as many females as possible, while women are predestined to retain this information.
Let’s go to the rooms
According to experts, the man’s persistent desire for short-term relationships is due to the desire to show strength and self-confidence. In addition, the society continues to approve the expansive behavior of men, where quantity is more important than quality: “The society teaches men not to trust their feelings. Emotionality is considered a manifestation of weakness, respectively, and a deep relationship and affection – too, “- notes Mr. Ermakov.
As for women, they agree to such episodes for several reasons. “This can be a fear of long, very close in the emotional sense of the relationship, then there is a confusion of the desires of the body and soul. A girl may want a spiritual intimacy, but she is afraid of it and substitutes for a sexual relationship, “- says psychoanalyst Olga Pryakhina. The second option, she said, is repressed anger and aggression arising in relations with parents: “Anger and irritation is transformed – they can not be realized in a slowly developing relationship, but are looking for a quick exit. In close contact, sharp, for one night, when tomorrow may not want to even see a partner. “
The third reason is the same social stereotypes. “In fact, male goals – success, consumerism, work – are actively implanted in women. In this regard, the desire to realize themselves outside is characteristic of modern women. But for them it is unnatural, and at the subconscious level there is a conflict, “- explains Andrei Ermakov. According to him, in particular, it can be the errors of education, when a girl is brought up by a career mother, as a result, the child is forming deceptive goals.
And in the morning they woke up
Everyone will have an amazing story about how from a seemingly completely random sex without hope for continued serious serious relationships have grown. According to Olga Pryakhina, this is possible only if one partner has a problem that has already been solved by the second (for example, it turns out that he was looking for a girl of this type) – then a man and a woman approach each other as a key and a lock . But relations of this kind run the risk of escalating into co-dependency, which poets love so much and psychologists do not like.
It is not uncommon for girls to expect a pleasant evening to be a prelude to family life, while men are not aware of this. In this case, the mismatch of women’s expectations with reality leads to disappointment.
“This stereotypical behavior – when by means of sexual relations a woman seeks to attract a man, fill those parts of the soul that are meant for another. Escape to sex is an escape from oneself, from a deep and peculiar for each loneliness.
People with a sense of inferiority have such a very intense intensity of fear and try to escape from themselves, “comments Andrei Ermakov.
If you woke up and hurriedly dived into your daily life, rejoicing at the pleasurable sensations, but forgetting about the episode of forgetting about pleasant dreams, you were obviously more fortunate than those who wept the next morning, cursing all the lascivious men. But also you risk – such episodes can become a semblance of a saving cigarette for a smoker, which instantly relieves stress, but requires repetition. “In the case of endless dissatisfaction, a pathology arises, and the girl is constantly looking for new partners at a time,” notes Olga Pryakhina. “In moments of conflict with difficulties, random connections create a psychological problem – sexual addiction, dependent behavior. When a person with the help of sex tries to fill an internal sense of meaninglessness, emptiness.
Evaluation from outside
Women are often disposed towards negligent adventurers. According to Andrei Ermakov, this is due to the unconscious mechanism of protection, when a woman denies her desires and negative qualities, but projects on others, more attractive and self-confident. In men, attitudes toward ladies who are easy to climb are more difficult: on the one hand, she is an object of lust, and on the other hand, a “dirty” woman, so the mechanism of double standards is included, when male condemnation in words does not coincide with actions in reality. “There is a stereotype: there are women who marry, and there are others for sex. It is connected with the oedipal complex when there is a deep splitting: there are women who are pure – like a mother, and there are fallen ones, but they too attract. This attitude is not dual to women in fact, but to their desires, – explains the complex male psychology Andrew Ermakov, while confirming the female suspicion that often one-time sex for a man – only one more peak, which must be conquered. But when the result is achieved, the value of the relationship and the woman herself is lost.