Nash columnist Daria Korolkova – the crisis of middle age. And the yacht.
I’m standing on the balcony of our house in the suburbs, wrapped in a blanket, thrown over her evening dress of ivory color (Empire style high waist flowy silk skirt). Long, below the shoulder blades, the hair was relaxed curls and I’m worried that moisture from the hair is not lost. The winter was warm, fluffy, swirling snowflakes. Evening. Downstairs my husband wears a suit, is suffering with a choice of tie. I am happy and a little tense: today I have to go on stage and receive the award WowSuper Awards in the category “Talent of the year”. And I not even 30! Well, it is, but still for a premium of this level I was very young. The husband brings a glass of champagne: chill out a bit. Cell phone rings: it’s Nikolai, our driver, said that coach, that is, the machine filed. Time.
I gently set foot on the frozen granite tile and sit in the back seat of our Mercedes shade of ripe cherries, trying not to catch the hem of sharp pins, check sulobe: nothing is forgotten, and a piece with the question here, though of course I know it by heart. Start. I tensely silent, the husband tries to distract me: recalls that just two weeks we fly to Santorini, where you have already booked the Villa and chartered boat where we will go to sea to celebrate my birthday.
I vividly imagine how all of our friends (and invited 20 people) stand on the deck, watching a huge fireball as it melts in the waves, and barely visible light like from a candle, burns somewhere in depth (C). The silence and solemnity of this moment, suddenly breaks the cotton tube of cold Prosecco, and then all shout “happy birthday”, and I understand that this is the happiest day of my life.
These thoughts don’t notice as we drove up to the place of ceremony.
– Thank you, nick, I don’t know when we’re free, and I have a big request to you.
– Yes, of course, what you need?
– Please, go to my mom. She wanted to go to the furniture store, anything you liked, you take her and then take it home and help to convey. I think you just a couple of hours will turn out. I’ll call soon as I will understand when you come here.
– Agreed, of course.
– Kohl, and again, tomorrow and the next day you are free.
– Fine, thanks.
In this mini-scenario I planned every detail, nothing is random. And the color of the car, and the driver’s name (there is no Alexeev or Fedorov), and hairstyle. I was replaying the play in my head millions of times, initially adjusting the setting and then just enjoying the view.
I namatala this picture in 18 years, and here I was 25, my career went uphill, and it seemed to me that nothing is impossible and my future boat rocking on the waves, waiting, when I dialed the number of her captain.
Then came the crisis. Then pulled up the dollar, and we had foreign currency mortgages. Then they closed the company where I feel confident in stumping up the career ladder. It turned out that the whole sphere which I have chosen, is in decline and will only get worse.
I was 28 years old, in our cramped kitchen were about 10 close friends on the table were meat and cheese in the fridge cooling down cheap white wine. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, hair did not grow below the shoulders, and yesterday my husband said that our Korean machine, an 8 year old beginning to demand serious repair.
I endured this torture to end, but when it became dark, everyone had gone and I was left alone in the kitchen, with me there was a real hysteria. It was all in vain. I’ll never have a driver If machines the hue of ripe cherries, a mansion in the suburbs, mother no one, except us, will not take in furniture, and it will not centre and IKEA. To pay the mortgage after its transfer in rubles remains of some 28 years, I burst into tears, being already a pensioner. I fucked up my life. I flawed, wrong, made a wrong step, rolled on the wrong track. My boat pushed off from the shore, and slowly began to melt in the descending sea fog.
It’s been almost 10 years. The thought of uplyvshy boat returns periodically, and the scenario I, as you’ve seen, remember to the smallest detail. But I’m happy and not sad, because after cooking catharsis I realized that putting off life for later. My every day was filled with joys and sorrows, he was only a step in the direction of the yacht. I worked not because I genuinely loved doing what I was doing, I approached the boat. I was in a hurry and ran at full speed, not noticing how they get married and have kids, my friends, the smell of autumn mushroom forest, as shines the dew on the grass at our little cottage-6 acres-mesh-netting-two old Apple trees. I mean, everyone saw it, but it seemed so unimportant and small compared to…
I literally forced myself to look in the mirror and say enough is enough. You will not have the driver If. And you can spend the best years to grieve for what you, my dear, in fact, no one promised. It was your choice to come up with a picture and assume that it will become reality. No, your reality is different.
But nobody told you that in this reality you can’t be happy. Because it’s time to grow up and realize that happiness no one will bring on a silver platter, with a border or without. Happiness is something that you can feel yourself.
You have a great family that is always behind you and support in any way. When you’re six months sat without work, you cheered and did not reproach not one word.
You come home where you are always welcome. You can share with the beloved man everything and he would never say that he’s not interested, or your problems – garbage on a stick.
Your daughter trusts you with her secrets, shares confidential and asks for advice, not slams the door into the room, letting him know that you are in her life – just a wallet on legs. (For information on how to accept the fact that your child grew up, read here – Approx. ed.).
You have a great team at work, you laugh so that neighboring departments have resorted with a request to keep the noise down, and then you go to karaoke to break away at full speed.
You, in the end, healthy. By the way, go talk to the dentist, well.
You got a new comfortable chairs in the kitchen, in the country finally went to the growth of Saskatoon, daughter finishes school and speaks two languages besides their mother, going to be the expert in the field of drug control, have you purchased tickets to Cambodia and booked a hotel in Samui, damn it!
You can be happy every day. Remember, finally, the saying about the pool, in which one sees mud and the other stars is reflected. You decide you are happy or not. There is no justice, and injustice.
And then I vividly imagined dialogue with the universe.
Hello, universe, I have a problem: I’m good, I tried, but I don’t have a yacht, and dresses of ivory color, the hair below the shoulders do not grow, and the award “Talent of the year” is not given, it’s not fair!
And the Universe is…
– Eeee… That is now a seven billion on the planet you’re the lame, and all the rest, everything is fine, and I will quit and come to restore justice?
I laughed. Well, in fact, what can be considered itself the navel of the earth?
You can say that is the psychology of the weak and defeatist. What I reassure myself. What really I’m a loser who’s trying to cover his own insignificance vespinae phrases and idiotic philosophy “could be worse”. And you know what I say? Really could. COULD.
And Yes, I reassure myself, love, spoil and comfort. Because I myself have one and I don’t want to be unhappy. I don’t want to put your happiness dependent on anything. I want to feel sorry for myself, praise and try to make yourself happy, amazing, isn’t it? I don’t want to scold, punish and oppress.
Oppresses me the idea that someone in my life happened boat, and I don’t? Perhaps, sometimes. But it shows pride, and I try not to let it get the best of me. ‘Cause only pride can make us think that the world lives according to our laws and everything, absolutely everything depends on us. This is not so.
A huge part of any success is luck. Accident. From birth in a particular city to explore in a spontaneous party. No one has the right to say that every last nuance in his life – one hundred percent of his credit. He just does not realize that his plane was not late, the opponent was in a bad mood for the protection of the diploma, the child was born healthy, that parents have money for tutoring or private University, and Yes, a brick flew past.
Our lives are much more random than we think. And I decided that I was going to rejoice in the good that happens every day. I think it defeatism, I call that a win.