Is jealous, then? ..
Those who read Shakespeare’s Othello, and those who know it only from anecdotes, are sorry for poor Desdemona, who fell prey to an attack of unbridled jealousy. However, not only men are capable of such passions – trying to protect their legitimate happiness from an overt or just a fantasy enemy, women show the wonders of ingenuity, figuring out where the beloved went and why he giggled into the phone while talking to an unknown girl. Most often, even the most bizarre of their actions jealous explain the universal love, which they feel for their man. Folk wisdom puts an equal sign between jealousy and love. Director of the Center for Medical Sexology and Psychotherapy, sexologist Igor Pereperchny partly agreed with the people: “Jealousy is an absolutely normal state that says that another person is not indifferent.
“Conservation and stability are necessary for the preservation of the species,” the director of the LAD Center, psychologist Alexander Zhukov, confirms the normality of jealousy. – And if there is a threat that the object can go away or it can be taken away, then there is an alarm, a fear and a desire to return this object, i.e. return to stability. ”
A serious case
Psychologists calmly concern themselves with the anxiety of a lady in love, until the matter concerns pathological jealousy, which differs from the norm by the complete absence of cause for concern.
“A person begins to hypertrophy, create delusional ideas – watch, provoke, put something, take pictures, – describes Igor Poperechny.”Feeling wounded, a jealous woman tries to prove her partner right, even without noticing that she is losing her face.”
People with low self-esteem suffer from pathological jealousy. At heart, such a woman is not sure of her attractiveness for a partner, so she tries to keep her hand on the pulse, fearing that she will lose control and her beloved will leave.
Speaking about the role of jealousy in the development of relations, it will be necessary to upset those who consider scandals and provocations a zest to not be bored. Boredom, of course, do not have to, but endless questions, snooping and pressure can tire even the most tireless. “Only healthy jealousy adds spice and excitement to the relationship,” Mr. Zhukov emphasizes. “Pathological jealousy uniquely destroys the relationship.” Women, overwhelmed by fantasies about imaginary mistresses, as a result often find themselves in a situation that they were so afraid of. “The search for evidence will continue until something is discovered,” says Igor Poperechny. – But most importantly – in this case, the person does not change anything. The only thing, on the part of women, it often goes to extremes when violence is used. ”
Wave hand to mom
The sources of jealousy are closely related to the emotions experienced in childhood. “At the heart of jealousy is not love, but abandonment, detachment and loneliness, experienced by a man once in his childhood”, explains Alexander Zhukov. When a child develops, he enters into a relationship with his parents and initially loves passively, allowing mother to take care of herself, subsequently – actively, expressing her love. Any separation from the source (and later the object) of love gives rise to a child’s dissatisfaction. “If parents show enough love and attention,” Mr. Zhukov continues, “he easily tolerates traumatization. Then in the future the person will calmly react if the object of love looks at someone or someone will pay attention to it. ” Those who did not have enough love in their childhood will, like in infancy, be afraid, worried and think terrible things every time,
In addition to the earliest impressions, the memories of the parents’ divorce, the sense of betrayal that a person tries to overcome in the adult state through jealousy can also work.
Fear of betrayal is especially common in children who have seen the betrayal of their parents – they expect that the partner will behave the same even if there is no reason for that.
Past and present
Since jealousy is rarely subject to logic, women sometimes surprise their partners with jealousy towards their ex-wife or a stranger dressed so frankly that it attracts the views of the representatives of both genders. According to Alexander Zhukov, jealousy toward the past is taking place against the backdrop of own insecurity and lack of self-esteem. The reasons for parting with the past lover’s partner are interested only because of the fear to survive this parting itself. “In a healthy form of jealousy it is not – what was before me belongs to you. What is important is what is happening now – if we love, trust, we are not afraid of the future, “explains Mr. Zhukov.
As for the irritation caused by the fact that the partner looks at passing women, according to Igor Poperechny, there is no pathology here, this is the standard reaction: “No woman accepts herself as she is. She enjoys herself, she decorates herself, but she always feels that there are some flaws. A man pays attention to another woman – this confirms the presence of a flaw. Even women with an ideal appearance, as a rule, are not happy. “
However, jealousy can become a cover, behind which are hidden more profound and serious problems. According to Igor Poperechnogo, jealousy often manifests when a woman is sexually meek – she begins to suspect a partner in adultery, trying to smooth out, compensate her problem. In addition, behind the passions caused by jealousy, you can hide your own misdemeanors:
“A person who changes a partner, quite often begins to openly show that he is jealous, only to not himself pay attention – loudest” keep the thief “screams thief”.
If jealousy is not a mask, but you suffer from it, then it is useless to fight it. “There is only one recommendation,” says Igor Poperechny, “it is to grow over oneself, to develop. And not to prove to someone, but simply this is the meaning of human life. We are programmed for permanent changes, we must change ourselves, constantly evolve. And zealous moments just arise when a person stops in his personal growth. ”