The question of the existence of friendship between a man and a woman is akin to disputes about the existence of house and other evil spirits. Those who saw furry barabashka, and those who since childhood is friends with shaggy Sanka, argue that, of course, yes, there is!
The rest doubt and laugh, they say, we know, we know what is really there. Why distrust the platonic relations between a man and a woman and whether it is really possible to “be friends with the sexes,” the correspondent of SE explained.
“Without friendship, no communication has value,” said the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates, who, even when he was dying, did not part with his friends. Whether there were women among them, history is silent. But it does not matter. Friendship is divided into masculine and feminine very conditional. The main thing is the existence of common interests and spiritual closeness. “Strong friendship comes from childhood, adolescence, student years.
Therefore, it is usually based on years of dating, mountains of memories. And in this case we are not talking about the gender of partners, it does not matter, “says Evgeny Aleksandrov, a psychotherapist and director of the psychological center” Almateya “.
According to him, dating, which appear later, can develop into a friendly relationship or in attachment, but not in a strong friendship.
Why is this necessary?
What determines the desire of a woman to have a male friend? In this case, we will consider the relationship of heterosexual people (although the bald friend of Carrie from “Sex in the City” is damn nice). In addition to household convenience (to hammer a nail and bring a bag), a man-friend can give a sensible advice in matters of love without clinking tongue and wailing. Women’s support in the form of lengthy proceedings (“What’s he, what about you?”)
And stories from your own life is also helpful, but who, if not a man, will tell you why the phone is not ringing from someone so long waiting for a call? And it happens that there is no one to wait for a phone call, and mortal anguish is on your soul. Be you three times a feminist, without a man it’s bad. In this case, the friend is a kind of analgesic. It does not matter that you are not a real couple – it is important that next to you is someone who values you, respects and in a sense loves. And this is not a woman!
As for men, they also want heat and care. A friend for him, too, can be a kind of surrogate, an object to which you can direct your own unrealized, or get what you lack. In this case, the attractiveness of a friend is not a minus.
In one of the foreign studies, psychologists have asked men and women about what attracts and what pushes them away in male-female friendship. Funny, but women reacted negatively to sexual overtones, while men noted that the sexual attractiveness of a friend can make friendship stronger.
Unlike the story with barabashka, supporters of female-male friendship explain their position. According to foreign sociologists, romantic relationships as the only example of relations between a man and a woman were beneficial to society. Specific rules of behavior were developed-dating, marrying, raising children. People married, children were born, and everything was wonderful.
The arguments about the improbability of friendship between a man and a woman are rooted in the distant past, when men rushed to work, and women sat at home and communicated with their own kind. With whom of the men could talk an average medieval woman? Unless with a butcher on the market, and then that limited time and on a certain topic. Today, boys and girls are sitting at one desk, then at neighboring work tables or restaurant tables. Sin can not be disliked.
True friendship is possible between any people, the sex does not matter, – the psychotherapist, the director of the center “Meridian” Sergey Sergeev is sure: “Friends can be former partners, two gays, straight, straight and gay – anyone. Everything depends on the intellectual level of both participants, and not on any other factors. If a man looks at any woman as a potential lover, then, of course, he can not be friends with a woman. Just like a woman who sleeps and sees the conquest of all men around, will not be able to be friends with a man. Everything depends on the strength of this feeling and the ability of a person to control it. “
Love and sex in a friendly way
We are friends, just friends. Very often the emphasis is on the word “simple”, since the friendship between a man and a woman is initially questionable. The main reason for this is sexual desire. In some cases, desires smoothly flow into actions.
“Friendship is a certain degree of intimacy,” says Evgeni Aleksandrov. “Sex is another degree.” After sex, people can become even closer to each other, but they will not be friends.
You can continue to communicate, but as a rule, such sex does not happen once, it will be repeated, and it will be the relationship of two lovers who are just covered with a screen of friendship. ” According to the psychologist, such “indistinct and sluggish relations” can not be called friendship or love. As a rule, they last not for long. Therefore, before proceeding to the next stage, it is recommended to think and try to find another way to get closer to each other, while such an opportunity still exists.
“It is difficult to distinguish from true friendship those relationships that we are tying for the sake of love,” – noted the French writer Jean de Labruier. Against the background of spiritual intimacy and frequent communication, it may suddenly seem that a friend is the only one you have been looking for so long. However, do not hurry to admit to love – this feeling can be a momentary eclipse and evaporate as quickly as it appeared. “If this feeling turned out to be false, it will quickly disappear or pass on to someone else,” says Sergei Sergeyev. “Then friends will be able to communicate as before, but on the condition that they did not have any unfriendly relations during the” clouding “period.” If the opacity does not pass, treat your feelings as a normal love, not remembering that you were recently friends.
“Where there is love, friendship ends,” explains Yevgeny Alexandrov, “so look at these feelings as completely normal. If you want reciprocity – achieve it as if it were another man.
If there is no reciprocity and it is impossible, then it is also not important that the relationship was friendly. ”
If you are alone, having a friend of the opposite sex is easier – no one will have to explain that this guy you know for a hundred years and how a man does not perceive him. However, there is a reverse situation, when you need explanations.
According to psychologists, it is not worth worrying, if your lover has a childhood friend, friendship with which existed before your appearance in his life. However, if they have disappeared not so long ago, it is worthwhile to worry. “All the dating that we have, being adults, very rarely grow into a real strong friendship,” Yevgeny Alexandrov warns. – Therefore, suddenly a girlfriend who is suddenly unlikely to become a real friend to your man, their relationship can flow into something else. And most often flow “.
“Friendship between a man and a woman is impossible. Passion, enmity, adoration, love – just not friendship, “- Oscar Wilde was categorical in this matter. Approximately 11% of SHE visitors agree with him. 52% doubt, but they believe in exceptions to the rules, and 36% consider such friendship strong and reliable. If your friendship is really that, take care of it and do not mix it with romantic relationships.