If a woman has a headache, then there will be no evening sex – this is almost folk wisdom. In relation to men, there are no such true signs, because the refusal of a man to fulfill his marital duty can be perceived with bewilderment. After all, many women have a stereotype that a real man should want sex with a beloved woman every day. About why a strong sex can refuse sex, the correspondent of SHE asked sexologists.
Failure number two
If you ask psychologists about the most serious reason why men refuse sex, they will say: This is the fear of failure in bed. There is even a special term – the syndrome of anxious expectation of failure. If a man once failed in the bed and failure is fixed, then before each subsequent sex the man remembers about it. “Because of the excitement, the man begins to worry every time and try to control his erection,” explains the sexologist at the clinic “Health” Elena Belova, recalling that control in bed affairs is the main enemy, and therefore it is logical that the erection fails and in what way then it may not come at all. Knowing about his problem, a man begins to avoid sexual relations in general. As the psychotherapist of the Insight clinic Igor Lyakh added,
fear of failure is most typical for the onset of sexual relations, as well as in middle age, but only if the man has accumulated events that make him doubt the erection.
Moreover, as Igor Lyakh notes, the fact of recognition in its “inferiority” is already a sign of distortion in sexual relations. After all, if both partners are sufficiently sexually developed, then they have an understanding that difficulties with erection are completely overcome. If there is trust, a man does not perceive this as a problem, moreover – as a problem does not perceive this and the woman: both know that the difficulties are temporary, and do not expose each other to degrading “diagnoses.”
A man may not want sex and because he is simply offended. Yes, men are also people, and the separation that we are accustomed to attribute – that men have sex separated from feelings – is more a stereotype than a true state of affairs. It is one thing – the passion after the quarrel, when the partners have already freed themselves from aggression and are free in their manifestations, quite another – a quarrel as a manifestation of passive aggression, whether male or female. “I do not want you, because right now I’m treating you badly, let’s change something in a relationship,” which is roughly the way in which a rejection of sex sounds if there are unresolved conflicts in the pair that accumulate as a snowball.
In this situation, a man can masturbate, relieve stress, but leaves from contact with his partner for a given period of time. To avoid such a development of events, Elena Belova strongly does not recommend to ignore the claims, save grievances and generally delay the resolution of quarrels. Exactly the same as putting up in bed – this leads to the formation of the wrong stereotype.
If a man does not want me – then today he had sex with someone other than me. Such a scheme of reasoning is familiar to some women. Fear that a valuable man wants to be seduced by someone else, does not leave the minds of many ladies, leading to frenzy. And, by the way, in vain. As psychologists say, if a woman is afraid of losing her husband, all her fears are most simply realized in aggression: if a man behaves as something wrong, a woman can decide that her husband has someone, just because it is easier to think so than to understand what is really happening.
“This is a frequent mechanism for the displacement of aggression, it’s easier for a woman to think not” Something’s wrong with me, “but” Something’s wrong with him, “she faces uncertainty, and her most turbulent fears are projected into this obscurity
– Igor Lyakh explains. By the way, the therapist noted an interesting thing: if a husband gets a mistress, at first in a pair of sex becomes more. Biology works: according to the law of consistent polygyny, the individual against the background of falling in love looks more attractive to other individuals of the opposite sex. The result is a paradox: her husband has a mistress, but the activity of sexual life increases with his wife. “Usually everything does not go as we used to think: first there is a burst of sexual life, and the rejection of sex happens later, when the persistent feelings are formed with the mistress, and with the wife the man is emotionally depressed,” says Igor Lyakh, advising to change the accents in his thoughts. Much more effective will be careful not only to the sexual, but also to the emotional needs of the spouse – instead of plaguing him with suspicions.
Only not today
Finally, a man may not want sex, not because he has depression, problems with his mistress or with an erection. He may just be busy with other thoughts. For example, football or an annual report. In this case, a rare husband will share what exactly happens in his head. Inability to switch on some acute experiences, it does not matter whether they are happy or not, as psychologists say, is more characteristic of women, but it also occurs in men. So if your man was not able to tune in to a romantic mood after a stormy party with friends, watching football or after a week of lack of sleep, you should not suspect him. “Women tend to think that if a husband does not want sex, then something is wrong – in him, in her or in a relationship. However, this does not mean that it is, “- says Elena Belova.
Igor Lyakh the statement that “a man should always want” considers it a harmful myth of modernity and notes that such installations are more often found in pairs with a consumer attitude towards each other: when partners are not interested in each other but in the “set of services” that they give each other. Sometimes enough plates of chicken soup, full rest and talk about what the partner really excites, rather than insistent demands “get me sex”, so this same sex really came back.