We’ve all gotta go sometime right? And while a lot of us wish for something peaceful like going in out sleep, in most cases, death is more dramatic than that.
But we say, if you’re gonna die, why not die with style? We’ve already covered some fantastical historical deaths in this post, but there are so many more that need to be highlighted.
These are bizarrely stupid, improbably and 100% true.
Death by Diarrhea
Arius of Alexandria
If you’ve ever wondered if you could shit yourself to death after a questionable taco, wonder no more. It’s been done. It’s believed that Arius ingested poison, and as he was walking across the Imperial Forum in Constantinople, he suffered a catastrophic diarrhea attack. It was so violent that apparently, his intestines were expelled from his anus.
A Drunken and Poetic Kiss
In the 8th Century, Chinese poet Li Bai got staggeringly drunk one night and tried to kiss his reflection in the water beside his boat. He fell overboard and drowned. Ironically enough, he just finished a poem called “Alone and Drinking Under the Moon.”
Eating to Death
King Adolf Frederick of Sweden
After a meal of caviar, sauerkraut, smoked herring and champagne, lobster, and 14 helpings of his favourite dessert served in a bowl of hot milk, he suffered fatal digestion problems, and died.
Red-hot Poker to the Ass
King Edward II of England
After he was dethroned and imprisoned by his wife, King Edward was executed by having a red hot iron stuffed into his anus.
A Wish-Full of Lightning
James Otis Jr.
American revolutionary James Otis Jr. always told his friends he wanted to go out in a blaze of light, as if hit by lightning. In 1783, he was standing in a doorway, and a bolt of lightning hit the chimney of the house and he was killed.
Proving your Legal Case to Death
U.S. Congressman Clement Vallendigham
He was defending a murder suspect in court back in 1871 when he argued that the victim could have easily shot himself while drawing his gun. While doing a reenactment, he drew the gun (thinking it wasn’t loaded), and it went off accidentally. He died, but he won his case. So… call it a tie?
A Difficult Death
This infamous Russian mystic died as a result of an attempted assassination. He was poisoned, shot four times, then flung into a freezing river. According to his autopsy, he died of hypothermia. That means that it wasn’t the poison, the gunshot wounds, nor the broken bones, nor drowning that killed him. He was alive long enough to freeze to death.
Crushed and Suffocated by Molasses
Residents of Boston’s North End
The Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919 killed 21 people and injured 150, when a poorly built tank with over 2 million gallons of the sticky stuff, exploded. The blast sent the molasses rushing though the streets at 35 mph, with a wave several stories tall.
Laughing to Death
In 1975, Alex Mitchell of England was watching a comedy show called “The Goodies.” He found it so hilarious that he laughed non-stop for 25 minutes, and died of heart failure from the lack of oxygen.
Austrian-American logician (and contemporary of Albert Einstein) died of starvation in 1978, while his wife was in the hospital. He was so paranoid that someone would poison him, so he refused to eat anything that his wife didn’t prepare. No one’s sure why he didn’t just prepare the food himself.
Choked Himself to Death
American author and playwright Tennessee Williams had an annoying habit of holding the cap of his eye drop bottle in his teeth, while inserting his eye drops. One night in 1983, he was doing his routine, when he accidentally allowed the cap to slip, and choked to death.
The Electric Chair Gets you in the End
Michael Anderson Godwin
This convicted murderer was sentenced to the death penalty, until his sentence was changed to life in 1983. However, 6 years later, he was adjusting the earphones plugged into his prison cell’s TV, while sitting on the metal toilet and accidentally bit the cord. He was electrocuted to death.
Dying to be Right
In 1993, this Toronto lawyer was giving a tour of the Toronto-Dominion Centre and was claiming that the glass was unbreakable. He threw himself against the window, and the whole thing popped out of it’s frame, plunging him to his death, 24 floors down. In his defence, the glass really was unbreakable.
A Dying Wish to be Eaten
This resident of Germany wrote in his will that he wanted to be murdered and eaten. He found someone on the internet to do the deed in 2001, and found himself stabbed and cooked by Armin Miewes.
He Took the Couch
Drunk Russian Man
A drunk Russian couple were having an argument, when she kicked the handle of the folding couch he was on, and it collapsed inwards, trapping him. She left and came back 3 hours later to find him dead from crush injuries.
Death by Apathy
In 2001, an intoxicated Chante Jawan Mallard hit a homeless man with her car, and drove home with him lodged in her windshield. His injuries weren’t immediately fatal, and he would have survived, if Mallard hadn’t driven home and parked her car in the garage and left him there to die.
Death by Beard
In 16th Century Austria, Hans was renowned for his 4.5 foot beard. However, when he was trying to escape a fire, he neglected to roll up his beard and he tripped on it, breaking his neck, and dying.
Buried Alive by Crap
The Collyer Brothers
Both Homer and Langley were tremendous hoarders, collecting junk and booby-trapping it, as to protect it from intruders. One day in 1947, Langley accidentally set off a booby trap as he was crawling through newspapers to bring his paralyzed brother some lunch, and died instantly. Homer died of starvation a few days later. It took police two weeks to find Langely’s body in all the clutter.
Slipping on an Orange Peel
In 1911, Bobby became the second person to survive going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. This daredevil survived plenty of other crazy antics, until he slipping on an orange peel and broke his leg so badly, it had to be amputated. The complications of the surgery killed him.