Rarely from a man you hear the phrase “My wife leaves me” – rather, he will use the verb in the past tense. A woman’s husband leaves – it’s a long process, a heavy and consuming force – with tears or silence, persuasion or threats, collecting suitcases or trying to return everything.
In this case, both from her husband and from her wife, one can hear heartbreaking stories about an unbearable life, with accusations against another partner.
Who is to blame if the husband leaves, and what to do in this case, the correspondent of SE.
In what truth?
When it comes to explaining the reasons for leaving the family or marching on the side, even quite adequate men change in the face and confidently declare: from a good wife, the husband will not go away. However, the women’s life experience (in no way claiming to be true) testifies to the fact that they leave smart, beautiful, economic, and rare specimens that combine all of the above qualities, too.
You will look around and it seems that they are everywhere – traitors, deceiving their faithful wives, traitor fathers, abandoning their children, infantile men who put their interests at the center of the matter. But, looking at them, you can find reasonable, quite worthy and interesting men.
According to psychologists, the main reason why a man leaves a cozy home and a loving wife is the unfulfilled expectations with which he entered into marriage.
A modern man expects from his companion much more than his ancestors. While the women were discussing whether they could shoulder both their career growth and their happy family on their fragile shoulders, some men changed their priorities, while others simply expanded the list of requirements. A man of the XXI century is looking for a woman who, like a shampoo, would be two, but better three at once in one. In the image of the mother of children and the keeper of the hearth, there is already something missing – either a posh lover, or an active careerist.
“In our time, when gender relations are very confused, it’s rather difficult to talk about any standard expectations,” explains psychologist, founder of the Institute of Counseling Alain Sagadeeva. – Previously, it was important for a man that a woman not only understood and supported him, but also knew how to cook, embroider, grow vegetables. Now men often admire a woman who knows how to build a career and make an impression. ”
Where does the husband go?
It would Seem, nothing foreshadowed troubles – dreams about the child, plans for the summer and kisses before a dream. The statement of resignation often becomes a thunder among the woman in the clear sky – unexpected and frightening. Unwillingness to realize the presence of problems, the desire to “think about it tomorrow” and the hope that everything will be resolved by itself, does not allow to look at the situation objectively.
“Women do not want to see minor changes in relations,” answers Alena Sagadeeva. – Usually, for one honest look at yourself and your husband, you can predict a withdrawal-parting in a few months. Or even weeks. ” The idea of a momentary eclipse is not confirmed – “love has passed”, “I can not do this anymore”, “I need to think” and so on. Although compared to information about another woman, the desire to think for a while is perceived with greater understanding. However, the psychologist continues, a man can slukavit: “More often men go to someone, like women. To break off relations that are no longer satisfactory is easier with support from the outside. ”
“If there is a woman who creates comfortable conditions for a man and satisfies his needs – let her create them specifically and temporarily, then he comes across it,” says psychologist Nikita Lozin.
Declaring their decision to leave, some men are in no hurry to implement it in practice. Instead, they eat dinner prepared by a frightened wife, discuss the successes of children and behave as if nothing happened, thereby putting the husband at a dead end – she ceases to understand what is happening. “Men in the transition from one woman to another or from one life to another need a place and time to gather strength,” explains the reason for the male pause Alain Sagadeev. “And every woman has the right to decide whether she wants to prepare her husband for a new life.” Instead, the frightened wife hopes that everything will be settled. Especially since it happens. But the question is – why live with a man who does not want to live with you? “.
Among the departing husbands there are those who arrange an attraction from the parting: they, like Carlson, return periodically and again leave. “This is how an immature man behaves, unable to answer for his actions. For him, the wife is not a woman, not a partner, but her mother. Such cases are many, many infantile men are now “, complains Nikita Lozin. If care and return are repeated with an enviable regularity, a woman should think about what she will do if her husband does not return.
Back to the Future
Usually women’s cries for help in this situation on Internet forums cause two types of responses. The first recommend to forget about her husband and take care of themselves (usually women offer a basic set salon-shop-fitness club). The second group (among them more often you can meet men) are advised to direct their energy inside and to defeat the virtual rival with time-tested things – home comfort and female affection. According to Nikita Lyozin, the second recommendation suits just for men infantile, a strong man of clean dishes and hot pies will not be enough.
What a man expects from you is easy to calculate, remembering exactly what you attracted him when meeting him, what his features and talents he admired.
Hysteria and attempts to blackmail children can work, but it is unlikely that this effect will please in the future. “Any way of pressure, be it a feeling of guilt or pity, will lead to the fact that a man submits and remains, but at the same time will punish his wife, without even realizing it,” Alain Sagadeeva warns.
A modern woman often clings to a departing man because she is afraid to be alone. In the understanding of society, an unmarried woman and happiness are incompatible concepts. In order not to be afraid to stay alone, it is worthwhile to calculate the steps that will need to be taken if this happens, and prepare yourself in advance.
“Psychologists have long observed how women develop after parting with unloved and unloving men,” says Alain Sagadeeva. – Such women, having survived the crisis, become not only more active, but also brighter, more beautiful, look younger and have the opportunity to fully realize themselves. It is to such women that later husbands try to return, but few compete. “