27.10.2020

Hundred Years of Solitude

Single women have obvious and hidden advantages over married women

If you accept the idea that a person is a social being, then, being left alone, each of us, regardless of gender and personal characteristics, should panic and suffer sorrowfully. However, as practice shows, many people experience their loneliness quite persistently, and some even manage to get pleasure from it. She learned about how to live women without suffering from her own loneliness. 

Lonely bird
The very fact that you have no one to have sex with and no one to replace a light bulb does not mean that life is over. This is even good, psychologists say – there is an opportunity to pay attention to the most precious person in life – yourself. But for a start it is worth to dissolve such concepts as loneliness and solitude. “Loneliness is an experience coming from childhood, when the child was abandoned by the parents without love and attention. This experience is imprinted, and the person remains in the memory: if I am alone, then I am alone, “says the founder of the Institute of Counseling Alain Sagadeeva. Solitude differs from loneliness only by experiencing emotions – a person stays in the same circumstances, but with pleasure.

In Novosibirsk, the problem of female loneliness, according to experts, is very acute. “There are a lot of lonely women. And many manage to be lonely with live men,

“continues Ms. Sagadeeva. If nevertheless to generalize those who does not have neither the husband, nor the constant partner, it is possible to allocate three categories of lonely women. 

• Seekers
The first category of women is lonely only temporarily – they are constantly in creative search, but often too high demands do not allow them to establish a personal life. “Who is looking for, he will always find – a question in the level of acceptability,” said the psychotherapist of the Insight clinic Igor Lyakh. “If a woman can expand the boundaries of acceptability, she does not fix herself on an Arab sheikh with a white Mercedes, but communicates with men and is able to adequately assess the situation, loneliness is a matter of time.” And we once again come to the conclusion: to communicate with men, to analyze their needs and their capabilities – is worth it. And the prince to wait – no. 

• Abandoned

The second category of women – those who recently or long ago parted with a man and have not yet reconciled with the loss. In this case, according to Igor Lyakh, the loneliness of a woman is a hidden reproach to the man who caused her to suffer. Experiences and complaints about loneliness in this case are somewhat demonstrative – because they are not addressed to friends and relatives, but to the image of a departed man. 

• Satisfied
“A lot of them. They are somewhere from 35 to 55 years. They have male friends with whom they do not have sexual relations, and they do not position them as sexual partners. In addition, quite a lot of women who live a virgin life, they did not have men and, apparently, will not be any more. Because they live in an atmosphere of sublimation and it suits them. From time to time they meet with the families of their relatives, but they live mostly alone, “says Igor Lyakh, cautiously noting that this behavior is neither a norm nor a pathology. This is just one of the features – a woman chose to build her life just like that, she feels so good. But not the fact that loneliness will be the final choice. “Even if a woman seeks self-actualization in a career and she has enough contacts and relationships, this does not mean,

All girlfriends by couples
“People are jealous only of one thing: loneliness. Do not forgive only one: loneliness. They only revenge for one thing: loneliness. For the fact that you dare to be alone, “- described the attitude of society to single people Marina Tsvetaeva. And indeed, to a single person, especially if it is a woman, the attitude in society is very ambiguous. They do not trust, sympathize, they are not loved and afraid of. The reasons for this unkind attitude can be found by remembering school history lessons. “Traditional society was built on the principles of patriarchy, according to which the man was the main and sole breadwinner of the family and, accordingly, the woman was economically dependent,” recalls Natalia Churkina. – The spiritual sphere is the most conservative, and, therefore, stereotypes about the relations of the sexes (the woman must be the husband) are sufficiently stable, despite the successes of modern women. ” That is why the absence of a man in a woman’s life is perceived as a bad sign – clearly something is wrong.

“It starts with adolescence, when a teenager needs to have a boyfriend or golfrend, otherwise he will fall out of the general social environment,” says Igor Lyah. Similar unwritten rules remain in adult life. 

Therefore, feeling some kind of inferiority, many women find themselves guest partners with whom they meet from time to time, maintaining the status of “their man” in the “women’s married get-together” and informing others that they not only do not threaten other people’s partners, but have reached social maturity .

Sublimate in this 
reference: Sublimation is a protective mechanism of the psyche, which is a way of removing internal tension by redirecting impulses to achievable, socially acceptable goals. (Wikipedia)

The fact that one’s sexual energy can be directed to another channel is a well-known fact, proved by psychoanalysts and examples from life. That’s why many, not realizing that, go to work when in private life it does not go well. “If sublimation is adequate – it is engaging in creativity, organizing other social connections, more active work at work,” says Igor Lyakh, citing the example of the too active chairman of the local committee Shurochku from the film “Office Romance.” Happiness is quite possible, the psychoanalyst affirms, if sublimation is sufficient, it does not matter at all what you will be doing: choral singing or extreme sports. The main and mandatory condition is that the chosen activity emphasizes the female role and allows the woman to be satisfied with the social attitude.

Even if you are sad and do not want anything, you should at least try to distract yourself and find something interesting and enjoyable in other spheres of life. “Start looking now for what you will do when it’s all right. That, when it will be good, it is already possible to do it, – advises Alena Sagadeeva. – This leads to a woman learning a lot, gaining the skills of seeing and understanding the world. And … where will men look? “. 

According to Igor Lyakh, it often happens that due to active development a woman who has lived alone for a year or more has hidden and obvious advantages over other women. Personal, creative growth, spiritual development, the ability to understand and accept reality in the end make it possible to become more popular and interesting. 

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