Where will we cut?
They say that in a good family the husband is the head, and the woman is the neck. And yet everyone is always talking about some “wise woman” – she does not like scandals, but always gets what she wants. In attempts to achieve this ideal, women are attached, held, and then break into hysterics. And they are striving for this wisdom, in order to comprehend all the secrets of the exploitation of their own man and to refine the chosen model to perfection.
There are three categories of masculine “flaws”, over which most often women are scratching their hands to work. “Less often than not, women want to remake the figure – on the contrary, it’s somehow calmer when the mans wife has eaten up, and it will definitely be mine,” says Alexander Pesterev, a specialist in masculine and feminine relationships. A little more popular work on the wardrobe of her husband – all the same with him, you sometimes have to go out, so to speak, into the light, which means that his suit should go to your new purse.
However, most of all women want to alter their habits and traits in their men. “The biggest complaints are caused by dirty dirty socks (untidiness), inattention and passivity”, –
says the psychotherapist of the clinic “Sibneymore” Igor Pozhidaev.
If you are on the path of editing a man, you need to first learn to share a person and his actions, advises Alexander Pesterev: “You can say: I do not love you for what you do, but you can say: I love you, but the act that you have done, it hurts me. ” Because to change the act – so that he does not do it anymore – is much easier than changing a person. And it looks more humane in his eyes, he is more loyal to them – you do not touch his personality and constantly emphasize that you accept him as he is. It is advisable not even to offer him his own options for behavior, but to ask how he himself could still act in a specific situation: what actions under the given conditions would still be characteristic for him, other than those he chose. Then the person will not have a feeling that something is dictated to him: after all, he chooses from that
Do not shy away from such methods as “take it lightly,” believes Igor Pozhidaev, or images of the victim – you can not make your edits “from above,” and ask for them as help – “from below,” this will give the man the opportunity of extra once you feel your power and superiority.
“The basic principle is to follow the method of small steps. Do not swing at once to much. First one little thing, then another. Even the largest elephant can be eaten on a piece, “advises Pozhidaev.
If you need a husband, for example, to change clothes, then, after updating the whole wardrobe at once, you will simply frighten the poor fellow. Do not forget about small steps: today one new thing, another week later – and remember the compliments. Not a whip, but a gingerbread will do their thing discreetly.
In general, of course, the best way of impact is mutual consent on the basis of agreements. “When people agree and follow agreements, then any question can be solved. Then there are no problems, but there are tasks. Any task differs from the problem by the fact that the problem has a solution, but the problem does not exist, “Pozhidaev reasoned fairly.
Look at yourself
If we consider the concept of the relationship of a man and a woman as a breadwinner and a keeper of the extracted, then it is the woman who makes the man: he brings himself, such as he is, along with the booty home, and its task is to preserve and multiply the best. And if a woman complains that her fifth husband is an alcoholic, or unemployed, or socks around the house, the reason is to look in yourself and change first of all yourself, otherwise you will attract exactly this type of men.
“Any recurring event is a script, you need to understand it and find a temporary or behavioral reference point when the involvement begins in this scenario, and at that moment suggest another way of behavior” –
Alexander Pesterev admits that it is very difficult if you have become accustomed to years react according to the standard scheme and cause a standard reaction. It is desirable that someone from the outside – a friend, relative or psychologist – drew your attention to this scenario at the time of your entry into it, and you together thought how else in this situation you could react. Your behavior will change – there will not be a script – as a result, your man will start to change too.
Although, of course, the best way is to find a man in whom everything suits. Which you take as he is, and you love all his shortcomings, but do not manipulate his personality, putting his hands on his elbow in his brain. “No one buys a bicycle to make a refrigerator or TV. He does not take a kitten to make a canary out of it, “Igor Pozhidaev sums up reasonably.