16.10.2021

How to make a first date is not the last

To call or not to call? What to wear? What to say? Before the meeting, these questions revolve in our heads like a swarm of wild bees. It does not matter if it’s yours or the 125th: the new person is always “like the first time.” And this is excellent: the emotional sphere is not in vain such a shy: we are primarily creating natural, and sometimes logic and rational calculation must be turned off. A date is one of these “sometimes.” How to behave to the girl on the first date, the correspondent of SE found out from psychologists. 

How to make a first date is not the lastThe first date is at the same time a lottery and an exam. But, as the Chinese said, the road to a thousand li starts with one step. Another way to find out a person has not yet been invented. Let’s try to figure out what they are – these steps: where to step, and where to compromise. 

Call me
So, the networks are abandoned, the fish is caught. In the meantime, we are agonizingly waiting for the call, twisting and musolya means of voice communication in the hands. Each SMS message causes a micro-stroke similarity, and the call is given in the head by the thunder. It is unbearable, painful, languid and so exciting. “But I’m a girl, after all. Who should be active? “. A familiar thought? Most often, we think exactly this way, even if we say that we think differently. And we continue to wait. 

“Social norms work here,” warns the head of the Academic Psychosomatic Center Leshchinsky Varvara Vadimovna. – 

Excessive orientation to social rules is one of the most dangerous things for health. Everything that limits you in your inner world, eventually turns into a disease. “

Maybe you should listen to the words of a specialist and stop finally inventing excuses, so as not to call yourself? 

Mind and feelings
When a meeting is appointed, it does not matter who initiated it. The very fact is important: these two know how to agree, which is already quite a lot. What will be the date – the beginning of a successful acquaintance or wasted time spent – also depends on two. However, there is one “but” here. 

“The reality is that we can know only about our feelings. Thoughts about the feelings and thoughts of the other person are not reality, but stories about reality, “explains Larysa Averyanova, head of the psychological laboratory of the MHI” Magister “. Realizing the responsibility of two, you can answer only for yourself. This needs to be understood in order to avoid resentment and disappointment (“I tried one”).

The excitement before the meeting fits into the same concept: we are worried that we prefigured the plan of events, our place in them and the role of the partner, and having thought up, we are afraid to not cope with non-existent obligations. Therefore, when we meet, we begin to nervously pull the hem, straighten the hair and pour out a stream of consciousness on the topic “how did I get here”: necessary, but not the best way to relieve tension. 

A good way to deal with excitement is honest: “You know, I’m a little worried.” Having said about the feeling you have, at the same moment you are liberating yourself from fear and excitement.

By the way, if you are worried about the question – if a man pays for coffee with candy, then do not find out about his salary. It’s better to ask a very simple thing without hampering, embarrassment and embarrassment: “Will I pay for myself?”. And based on the reaction of men to draw conclusions for themselves. 

How he likes
How to make a first date is not the lastHow to look to impress is usually the first thing that worries us. However, psychologists advise paying attention to another: if the desire to please comes to the fore, it indicates problems with self-esteem – then this desire comes from anxiety about the opinions of others. In this case, you must work with the root cause, rather than dress up. 

An effective method of interaction is the method of the “internal observer” (not to be confused with passive bored contemplation!):

“When we go on a first date, it is important to internally tune in to a new wave – as if to come to another city and activate all channels of perception. If we connect an internal observer, then we make a good impression no matter how we look. 

External social functions are “turned off”, the interlocutor feels that you are interested in him at a deeper level – and there is interaction, “Varvara Leshchinskaya shares. 

It’s one thing to “talk less”, quite another – to really hear the interlocutor. Then you do not have to “tune in to one wave”, “be yourself”, “be a good listener” and “show your best side” – this will happen naturally. 

Sex, cake and meat
Recently, it has become fashionable to discuss such a topic: it is advantageous for a woman on a date to order meat. This supposedly indicates that she has no problems and prejudices, that she is healthy, not weighty and full of cheerfulness. Sounds life-affirming. But we have not forgotten anything? 

“Someone will react to the puff that eating cake. Someone will get from a girl who eats a steak with blood, and the third will like a chick that picks around in a salad, “comments Varvara Vadimovna. 

But what really can be determined in places of catering is sexuality. “Usual sexual behavior is determined by the way a person eats: eats or smacks each piece”

– the doctor-psychotherapist, the director of the Center of psychological medicine “Amalthea” Evgenie Aleksandrov shares. 

On the issue of sex on the first date, psychologists were fairly loyal: if the goals of the participants coincide, why not. 
Simply, briefly and clearly. But is it so easy for a woman to recognize the purpose of dating sex? The question is ambiguous. It’s not for nothing that sex and everything connected with it has become today an ideal testing ground for fights, manipulations and labeling of all stripes. 

We will go without resentment.
However, the question of sex arises with a successful scenario. How can it be, if a person does not like, and do not want to invent a story about a sick infant and nonsaline cucumbers?

Of course, the best option is to tell the guy that you have had a good time, but you should not count on more. However, you can use the female trick. 

If you have well included an “observer” and probed the “horse” of a man, then you can exclude his attention from the field of sexual interaction. Having understood the topics that are of interest to a man, actively switch to them – from the position of a friend. 

The simplest example: accidentally start discussing cute girls in a cafe. Male emotional range is much more feminine – harmless manipulation will not be noticed, but subconsciously you orient the man in the other direction – and his inner alchemy of love will go away. And you instead of the suffering boyfriend can receive the good friend, having passed to other level of dialogue.

And did I like him? – The final question is not directly set. But if you managed to create an atmosphere of trust – a man will be relaxed, and special barriers will not pile up. You will certainly feel whether he has doubts, negativity or indifference. So stop perceiving the meeting as a field for a duel. Tune in for a pleasant evening without unnecessary expectations. Fate – the lady is cunning: when your man finds you, she will tell the inner prompter the right words. 

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