About this do not make movies and do not write in books. Boredom in sex – this is what in a beautiful book about love is only an intermediate episode in front of a new dizzying novel.
But getting used to each other, reducing the brightness of emotions in sex – the truth of life, which encounters any monogamous couple.
Whether it is possible to refresh sexual relations, what mistakes women often make on this path and where it is worth starting, the correspondent of SHE explained.
Adaptation of the senses
Most often boredom in sexual relations appears somewhere in the 3-5 years of living together, during the so-called “routine crisis”. This is the normative crisis of the family, i.e. it occurs in most families – this is normal, says the director of the Anti-Stress Center, psychotherapist Maxim Zagoruiko. Enlightenment ends: a vivid and enthusiastic fascination with each other, biological, at the hormonal level, becomes addictive to the partner, the sexual desire decreases.
This is called sexual adaptation and is not directly related to the timing, adds sexologist Clinic “Insight” Igor Lyah. Even high-quality, but monotonous sex leads to sexual boredom in a pair. The probability of such a scenario becomes higher if a traumatic situation has occurred, as a result of which one of the partners has avoided something in sex. So imperceptibly, without doing something, the couple is already losing the opportunity for a change.
In this scenario, partners develop at first humility, then irritation (often suppressed) increases, sex ceases to be desired, and we call it boredom.
Finally, there is a third option. Conditionally it is called “switching focus of attention”. For example, often a decrease in attraction occurs if a child is born. The husband suppresses the desire (after all, the wife is busy with an important matter), and inside the conflict grows – both he (not enough attention) and his wife (she is afraid of losing her husband). The case when both spouses make a career, get tired at work and die to sex, go to the same place: in the pyramid of their interests, making money turns out to be higher than intimacy, the result is sexual indifference.
Change should not be postponed
Sometimes interest in sex fades away immediately after marriage. As explained Maxim Zagoruiko, this can happen if one of the spouses (or both) have sexual interest and passionate desire only when it is necessary to seek a partner, to win it. Or if the marriage is perceived by one of the spouses (often subconsciously) as a shackle and restriction of freedom. So there are settings “real sex can only be out of wedlock” and “there is nothing more dull than conjugal sex”. Specialists say that such installations have nothing to do with reality, and advise not to put up with the situation when suddenly it became boring in bed – dissatisfaction with sex causes divorce very often.
By the way, the initiator of the break is equally common for both men and women. It’s just that women complain more often to their girlfriends and on the forum, but the men silently go and look for someone on the side. If it became boring – you need to do something, and immediately.
Passive irritation will accumulate, the lack of diversity will be depressing, but the main thing – if you do not learn to deal with the situation, everything will repeat with a new partner, warns Maxim Zagoruiko. Escape from the problem is not an option, and the “wait” strategy usually works poorly and leads either to divorce or to a dreary life under one roof.
“We need at least to understand what irritates you specifically, what exactly does not suit you and what you would like to change,” Igor Lyakh describes with what it is necessary to begin actions to combat boredom. And it is certainly loser to blame the partner. Losing responsibility is the same ostrich policy, as well as closing eyes on the situation.
Recipe for success
The first thing that bored lovers will have to do is find new joint activities that are pleasing to each of the spouses, and not necessarily related to sex. Lack of attention is a frequent cause of cooling, and it must be eliminated first.
A variety of ways of sexual intercourse includes the use of underwear, toys and porn films, but it is not limited to them only. According to Igor Lyakh, the very fact of a more attentive and sincere relationship to each other in general and to the sexual needs of the spouses in particular usually helps to intuitively reach out to the “secret” that improves the quality of sex. It is important to learn how to talk about your needs, do not hide your fantasies and voice your desires.
“The inclusion of sex in a stable planned regime, as a rule, worsens its quality,” the sexologist admits.
And spontaneity always includes emotions, and therefore is the most valuable factor in the struggle. For this, says the sexologist, some couples even sacrifice the frequency of sex: instead of daily routine coition they get a rare, but vivid sex. Mutual sacrifice for the sake of the “regime” is of no use here.
Better there is no way.
However, there is a rating of popular advice, which, rather, will harm the couple, and not help to solve the problem. There are three:
Endure a pause
“Go on vacation on separate terms, relax and bored”, – usually recommend girlfriends. “If the partners are internally annoyed, the” pause “often becomes the beginning of the end of the relationship,” Igor Lyakh explains. Sexual abstinence works in a few cases and is not suitable for everyone. More often partners simply go into new embraces – it’s easier.
To change a hairdress (to buy lacy linen)
«It works, if with the color of hair at the woman the image and sensation really changes. Local changes – for example, the purchase of new panties – often suffice only once. If the conflict of interests has gone far, the partner will not notice any changes at all, “the sexologist believes.
Go to the left
“A good leftist strengthens marriage” only in the saying. “This will add a” pepper “to your life in the short term, but it will definitely hurt your relationship with your spouse,” says Maxim Zagoruiko. Just instead of boredom, you have to fight with a lot of pain in your life and the lives of people close to you.
Vaccination against boredom
Proceeding from the main thesis: boredom should not be tolerated, it must be properly prevented. The main method, if you love a partner and appreciate your relationship, is not to be lazy. As sexologists explain, many couples make a common mistake: they find an ideal position, time and place for sex and stop trying new things (“why?”). And meanwhile it is important to try exactly what is not possible at first, and to experiment.
“This gives a greater range of sexual interaction in the future,” Igor Lyah explained why it is important not to dwell on one optimal option for you: in the future everything will come in handy.