At one time, the films about Stirlitz and James Bond made a lot of noise. Children began to play spies, adults – in computer games with the participation of heroes. Becoming an agent 007 is really interesting, but only if your lover does not become the object of the game. Or you yourself. Surveillance, interrogations, scandals and misunderstanding are only a small part of the possible consequences of jealousy. What if your loved one slowly but surely turns into Othello? What if your jealousy interferes with harmony in a relationship? These questions were answered by the Novosibirsk psychologist, a member of the Federation of Russian Education Psychologists, Vit Tsenev.
Why are people jealous? Tell us about the causes and mechanism of jealousy.
For the first time the feeling of jealousy comes to us in early childhood. The main reason for the appearance of jealousy is the fear of losing the love and attention of the mother. A potion of jealousy is brewed from two main ingredients – fear and anger. Fear encourages the child to seek solutions that will help him to regain maternal love. For example, if my mother said that there is some Vasya from the next apartment – a wonderful boy, then her son will try to do something that my mother also told him about how wonderful he is.
Anger is directed at “hostile” objects that prevent a child from receiving this love. The child understands that if it were not for this vile Vasya, then he would have remained the most remarkable. As a consequence, he can bite Vasya on occasion, pinch or kick. If a child has learned to attract attention by complaining and crying, he will adhere to this pattern of behavior in the future. If he pinches Vasya, and Vasya no longer catches the eye of his mother, in his adult life, his jealousy will become destructive to others. Therefore, parents should at every opportunity “return” to a child who has chosen a positive line of behavior, and, on the contrary, how to “distance” from him if he tries to get parents’ attention in a negative way.
Are there any differences between male and female jealousy?
Certainly. Recall that the reason for the jealousy of the child is always the mother. And regardless of the sex of the child. In other words, the first object of jealousy is always a woman. For the boy, this experience is much more dramatic. Why? Because he has to compete with another man, that is, with his father. In girls, competition with another woman at the beginning of the emergence of feelings of jealousy is excluded, because her main competitor for the attention of the mother – the father – the person of the opposite sex. With girls, this also happens, but later, when the emotional connection with the father comes to the fore, and the mother is perceived as another woman. Boys are more focused on rivalry (with other boys), and girls – to imitate (other girls).
In male jealousy, anger predominates (so men more often commit murder and suicide due to jealousy), in female jealousy – fear. In male jealousy, the sexual principle dominates, in female jealousy – the emotional connection.
A jealous man is more inclined to blame others (he usually does not take into account himself, he is ideal by definition), a jealous woman, on the contrary, sees in this her own shortcomings. A man rarely comes up with the idea of ”playing jealousy”, women use this constantly.
How to cope with your own jealousy? Perhaps there are some special psychological techniques ?
Perhaps jealousy is doing something useful for you. Like the little boy who was set up in the example of Vasya, and now he is struggling to do something that he too is praised. Remember that the first experience of jealousy that we have experienced is the fear of losing a loved one. And to return this love can only be creative, trying to be better than others, the best person in the world.
At first, you should discuss your jealous feelings with your loved one. I repeat my feelings. If your discussions are limited to what your partner is changing and you want to make sure that it is not so, such conversations are not a discussion of the topic of jealousy. Tell us how you feel. Try to explain what is the reason for your distrust of the partner. Talk about your shortcomings, which can be the cause of your reproaches and mistrust.
Secondly , you should work on your self-esteem. This is a universal medicine for all cases of jealousy. The lower the self-esteem, the more reasons for jealousy. If you have low self-esteem, you subconsciously understand that you do not deserve to be the most beloved person, and it hurts you.
Thirdly, you need to go to a psychologist at the reception. Especially if neither the first nor the second does not help. No healing charms from jealousy like “Enki, beniki, eat jealous vareniki” does not exist.
If a person suffers from a pang of jealousy, but keeps his feelings to himself, can this affect negatively the relationship? Is it better to discuss your emotions?
And not only jealousy, but also any other feelings and emotions. Always talk about how you feel. At least it will become easier. I do not open any America here: it is well known that pronouncing your feelings helps to achieve emotional relaxation. Just do not confuse it with splashing emotions. You need to talk about your feelings, not throwing pans. Moreover, pronouncing your emotions positively affects even if you say it to yourself. Aloud. For example, if you are overcome with a feeling of jealousy, say (out loud): “I am overcome by a feeling of jealousy, I’m jealous, I’m jealous” (the text is arbitrary, the main thing is that it accurately reflects what you feel). Helps a lot.
How to calm a partner, if he happens to have attacks of jealousy? In general, such a relationship, where one person is pathologically jealous, has a future?
Attacks of jealousy just do not happen. They have a reason. For example, if a man goes to work at seven in the morning, and returns at twelve at night, and so every day, then the woman has every right to react in this way. I’m not in the sense that she should portray jealousy, but that her jealousy is not unfounded. Many people think: “If I do not change, then my partner has nothing to worry about.” And they consider jealousy of the partner far-fetched and painful. But artificiality is already an effect.
The second common reason for bouts of jealousy is the partner’s anxiety for his unattractiveness. For example, in a woman during pregnancy, jealousy increases many times. A man in these months should be especially sensitive and attentive to her. Anxiety and, as a consequence, an occasion for an attack of jealousy can be illnesses, trauma, sexual problems and many other reasons that lower self-esteem and increase anxiety. Having a little more sensitivity and attention, you can reduce all these attacks to naught.
As for pathological options, the future of such relations depends entirely on the patience of the jealous side. If you want to know my opinion, I consider such relations humiliating and not deserving of continuation.
There is another extreme – when a person is not jealous at all. This is normal?
Absolutely normal. Let us recall the reasons for jealousy. Why does the child feel afraid to lose the love and attention of the mother? Because he lacks her attention, her affection, her smiles, her presence. This is not a theory, but a sensory experience. It’s bad for him, but she’s not around. He wants to play with her, and she’s busy. As a result, jealousy is an indicator of emotional dissatisfaction. I think that this is equally true for an adult. If the relationship in the family is built on love, care and trust, then there is no reason for jealousy there can not be by definition.
For many, friendship with representatives of the opposite sex becomes a stumbling block. Those who believe in it, continue to be friends and act on the nerves of those who do not believe. How to be in this situation?
I believe that it is best to exclude such friendship for the benefit of the family. There is a set of unspoken rules for the family. A man is friendly with men. A woman is friendly with women. If you are invited to a different sex company, you must be with your partner. A married couple is friends with a married couple. It is desirable to avoid friendship with single representatives of the opposite sex. With them, only business relations are possible. If, on the other hand, one who believes in somehow especially needs to be friends with a single representative of the opposite sex, the latter should form a pair (at least formally), and meetings, of course, should only be family ones.