The era of consumption gives birth to fewer people who want to produce. Dresses, cake or a pleasant life want to get the right size and in a beautiful package. The call to build love smells of vulgarity and “House-2,” but still requires careful consideration. It is not true that the presence of love will ensure the solution of all problems – this is a necessary, but insufficient condition. Specialists will soon be hoarse, urging not only to carefully choose a partner, but also to carefully build relationships. Nobody proposes to pull bricks, there are more effective ways.
1. Stay close.In one foreign study, interviewing couples, experts concluded that those who continued to go on dates and spend time together after the wedding (on average six times a month) were more satisfied with marriage than those who did it less often or not did at all. It is not necessary to go to an expensive restaurant or go to the sea. The main thing is to be alone, distract from the hustle and bustle, and listen to each other.
“At such times, it becomes possible to feel yourself and your partner as deeply as possible. That’s why many avoid being alone.
To not stumble upon unpleasant feelings associated with a partner. Instead, remaining together, you need to calmly and with confidence talk or be silent about what excites, upsets, pleases or surprises. Then there is interpenetration, “- says psychologist Alena Sagadeeva.
The time spent together becomes a cement bonding the couple, and in addition, enables children to learn to communicate. “Emotional intimacy we learn in the family, absorbing the behavior of parents,” says psychologist Zhanna Gurieva. “If a couple wants to spend time together, if joint holidays and trips are arranged, if the family has emotional deep communication, then children in such a family will later be able to build emotionally close, trusting relationships with other people.”
2. Do you respect me?It’s no coincidence that respect comes from men who are heated with alcohol, there are no more barriers and you can talk frankly. “Do you respect me?” For men means no less than “Do you love me?” For women. And it does not matter that the second is regularly asked about it, but the first are silent. According to Zhanna Gurieva, endless reproaches in worthlessness and inability, comparisons with other men, which are supposedly better, will lead to the fact that a man will stop trying and will eventually become what he wants to see – an alcoholic, a loser, etc.
“Most often, women notice things that they do not like in a partner. This, in general, is understandable, because what you like is perceived as a norm.However, it is because of this error that most marriages fall apart.
When a man ceases to feel the respect of a woman, he has only two ways. Either stop respecting yourself, or go to a woman who will give him respect. “- Alain Sagadeeva recommends not to forget that the man is still free in his actions. And if so – it’s worth to be grateful for the joy that it delivers, even if it is not large yet.
3. Speak in the client’s language.Couples who claim that they have no conflicts raise suspicion. Either they are too young, or they are cunning. Either they avoid an open discussion of the problems that sooner or later lead to disaster. Conflicts are a way of developing the system, psychologists say, without them the couple can not move on. However, conflicts often turn into a game of “the fool” – decent people seem to roll down to small insults.
Do not accumulate anger, resentment, irritation, and express them in a timely manner, Zhanna Gurieva recommends. Otherwise, undeveloped aggression will come out indirectly, or go to you – and this is already threatening psychosomatics. Emotions for a man – just a signal that something is wrong, warns Alain Sagadeeva:
“It is necessary carefully and clearly,” in the language of the client, “as psychologists say, tell him exactly what you want. Not what does not suit you, but what and why you want him to do. And why should he.
For example: “When you give me flowers, I’m so happy!”. This is much more effective than enumerating what a man for some reason does not do. At least, it will not cause internal protest and indignation.
4. Guess yourself.This is the saddest news for today – men do not know how to read minds. The lack of logic and clarity of men depresses. When there is a goal, and the way to achieve it is clear – there are no problems. Our business is to help see this goal. “You can just teach a man. Telling him about what desires and how they arise, what they are connected with, what benefits he has from the fact that he satisfies your desires. He simply does not know! “- explains Alain Sagadeeva. From frank conversation often keeps the fear of being misunderstood, mocked and rejected. “Perhaps you will encounter dissatisfaction with your desires or with rejection of feelings,” Zhanna Gurieva argues. – But the main thing is you said! We tell others about what we want from them, not that they change or rushed to do it immediately, but in order to express themselves, to be heard. “
5. The magic word. Even the most generous for money people may show avarice for praise and compliments. Acute need for kind words is inherent not only to women – just men in this rarely admit. “One of the important needs of men is the need to hear words of encouragement and approval. The approval in this case may mean “you are capable” or “you get it” – a man feels that there is a loving wife nearby, and she is grateful to him, “says Zhanna Gurieva. According to her, avarice for praise is associated with inability to show their feelings. If in your family there was an unofficial ban on the expression of feelings, and parents only did what they criticized, it is not surprising that it is difficult for you to squeeze out words of gratitude and support.
A universal recipe will only give a girlfriend – tell him something, and there will be happiness. “It is important to find words that please your man,” Alain Sagadeeva emphasizes. “For this, it’s enough to experiment a little, trying different methods of praise and watching the result.” Your internal diary of observations will tell you what exactly motivates a man to perform feats.