Let the hands of those women who dislike the attention of an interesting man raise their hands. They can be joined by those who do not have the slightest desire to experience what people like are feeling. If there are such, then there will be very few of them. Neither emancipation, nor global change has turned the world upside down – women still want to please men. But sometimes this desire turns into an obsessive need: when each counter is evaluated for “professionalism”, and the absence of a man is perceived as a personal tragedy. SHE correspondents recognized where the line between the normal desire to be a beloved and neurotic need for love was recognized.
The border of the norm
The rave reviews of those who were in love, the numerous fruits of their creative torments that shocked the world, finally convinced mankind that love is a miracle that must be known to everyone. “Are you still not married?” – Surprised former classmate. “Do you really have no one at all?” – amicably picks up friends. To be one, in the understanding of many, especially those who have already got rid of the burdens of loneliness, for some reason it is awkward and sometimes even embarrassing. Well, if the external “bale” does not coincide with the internal principles and self-confidence. Worse, if the very fact of the absence of a constant partner causes anxiety, stress and a desire to find it at any cost. “I just can not be alone!” – exclaim such women and are looking, looking, looking …
“The need for love is absolutely normal,” says Igor Poperechny, director of the Center for Medical Sexology and Psychotherapy. – A man loves himself, and the surplus of love from him pours out into the need to love someone. The neurotic need for love lies in the desire to love only you. ” “The natural need for love suggests that a woman needs a man whom she will love and respect and who will love and respect her,” agrees the psychoanalyst Natalia Mazalova. – That is, it presupposes those relations in which people are equal.
For a woman with a neurotic need for love, such a relationship is impossible. She is afraid to remain alone, to be rejected, because within her there is no love for herself, inside – an emptiness that can not be filled. “
Thus the person can show surprising indiscrimination and desire to like all. As soon as a man appears in the life of such a woman, she sighs with relief: the work is done, the goal is achieved. Relationships become a kind of analgesic. But the joy will be short-lived – doubts about the man’s faithfulness, suspicion and demand to prove his love tirelessly soon turns the life of “lovers” into hell.
If parents knew how often a couple of words left to the child spoil his life, they would surely have been more attentive. Nevertheless, the feeling of lack of love, self-doubt and associated complexes make many adults suffer. “All the problems associated with love, relationships, as a rule, come from childhood, – reminds Igor Poperechny, – they are born in the first six months of a child’s life. The basis for them is an anxiety-depressive disorder. This can be affected by many factors, including lack of attention on the part of the mother. “
Parents continue to work on a child who has already emerged from infancy. The scenario of their behavior can directly or indirectly affect it. “Often these are women from incomplete or dysfunctional families, where parents had some kind of dependence,” Natalya Mazalova says. – A child in such a family copies the behavior of the parents, and if the predisposition to addiction exists, the adult woman will replace one object of dependence with another, each time finding a new man, if the former has left. ”
The illusion of love
It is not easy to understand your true desires and needs. According to Igor Poperechny, the main symptoms of the neurotic need for love are the following: always when there is no one nearby who loves a woman, develops a depressive state, anxiety, self-doubt, things fall from their hands, a person leads a closed way of life. As soon as someone pays attention to it, the mood improves instantly, everything becomes good.
It would seem that a woman whose main goal is the search for a man must jump with joy when he is found, and then calmly remain in happy bliss, surrounding his savior with love.
But the main problem is that such women do not know how to love. “A person can deceive himself, believing that he loves someone, and this is just a gratitude for admiring him,” writes American psychologist Karen Horney. “
Then the second person may well be the victim of self-deception of the first, for example, be rejected by him, as soon as he begins to show criticality, thus not performing his function of admiration, for which he was loved.”
Such a woman does not need sincere love, she is quite content with a bright wrapper, a surrogate – signs of attention, compliments, to which she gratefully responds with her supposedly love. “But in an extreme situation, if there is some kind of disappointment, she wakes up hatred, which she always denied,” says Igor Poperechny. – There are stormy clarification of relations with the manifestation of rudeness, negativity, negative emotions. ” According to him, after the parting, the man quickly replaces: “Such women are characterized by the so-called transition from bed to bed. She does not have an intact period, she needs to replace one man with another, get the illusion of need, love. “
Games of love are reflected in intimate life. According to Natalia Mazalova, sex for such a woman is only a way to keep a man. She offers to have sex often, while it is slightly theatrical in nature, turning into a performance.
“Such a woman demands that a man necessarily produce an ejaculation,” adds Igor Poperechny. “If as a result of sexual intercourse this does not happen, it seems to her that she is not beautiful enough, not sexy, not attractive.”
For a woman with a neurotic need to realize that the causes of dislocation – she herself, is very difficult: it’s easier to change a partner, blaming everything in the previous one. According to psychologists, it’s extremely difficult to understand your problem and learn how to master the situation without the help of a specialist: “When a woman refuses from one addiction, there is a need to replace her with something,” warns Igor Poperechny, “for example, by some antisocial methods: alcoholism, addiction, deep depression. “