Family boats are broken for a million reasons. Daily routine and material problems more often than other causes become icebergs for family titanic. The question “what shall we live on” is capable of killing a huge ship of love, leaving no trace of it.
Solving the question of who earns money in the family, who spends on what, and how to control this spontaneous process, one can come up with such difficulties that it will not seem very much. Neither you, nor your husband, nor your budget.
What attitudes about the issue of “what money will we spend” can spoil the life of both of you, what lies in the desperate desire to follow one of these attitudes and what can be done at all, the SHE correspondent recognized, after examining the most popular concepts of women about family money.
1. The total piggy bank
Familiar for many scheme “we are together and setting up a common box for money” today is just as popular as a hundred years ago. It is convenient and familiar.
Possible problem: fear of loneliness.
The act of putting together two budgets – like two souls – for some women becomes a synonym for this very compound. “The general budget reflects the theme of merged relations – it follows from a strong desire to be together, gives the illusion of compatibility, compensates for the fear of loneliness: a woman as if wants to merge with her husband in all senses.
In the romantic period, this does not bother anyone, but then there are difficulties, because the spouses need to notify each other about each waste, “-
commented psychotherapist of the clinic “Insight” Konstantin Duplishchev. Indeed, to pull out one thousand from a common pocket to each other “for a gift” is somehow strange. And if you want to help the sisters-spender, left on the rocks? Here not long before the quarrels with her husband.
Tip: Joint money is convenient. You do not need to think who pays for a sofa or apartment: you just take money from a coin box (or use one account in a bank for two) and control the final balance. It is important not to turn this method into a way of controlling each other’s expenses and cause for reproaches. In this situation, it is often recommended to have their “stash” for personal needs.
2. A strong woman
“I am my own mistress, I will earn and spend” – such a setup may even be of a lady who is successfully married. Such a woman can overtake her husband in earnings, constantly proving what she is capable of.
Possible problem: distrust of the spouse, the desire to establish himself at his expense.
The internal demand for complete independence, as Konstantin Dublishchev explained, is often for a woman to transfer to the spouse the role of society. Instead of shouting “I can do everything” on the street, such a lady proves this to a single close person, and if proves too successfully, she may not notice how she will break herself and her man.
“A man with a lower income often experiences serious psychological discomfort. But a woman who works “for wear”, although for a lot of money, also feels strangled, somehow she pays for the loss of gender identity, “
says the associate professor of the social work and social anthropology department of the NSTU, a teacher at the regional educational and methodological center” Family »Natalia Churkina.
Tip:No psychologist will call you to quit your job and learn the book of Molochovets. But to get rid of the possible fear of the Amazon (that all men are bastards and can not be hoped for) is very useful, especially if a person near you knows how to earn money and, in case of what, certainly will not put you on a dry ration. Being weak in a good sense for the female psyche can be very harmless.
3. The husband-breadwinner The
eternal dream of romantic maidens: to sit at home, to embroider and to be engaged in macrame (the second variant – to be engaged in dances, the Italian cookery and to travel). It is preferable not to think about passions in the economy: the husband is engaged in money.
Possible problem: immaturity and dependence.
The function of a housewife for a woman (even if we do not talk about the situation of the birth of a child) is traditional, and it is foolish to condemn it even in the light of today’s realities. But, taking them into account, it is impossible not to note: today the role of husband-getter can change to the opposite quite easily – losing one’s work and dramatically changing the standard of living in an era of crises is easier than ever. “Having such an attitude, a woman runs a lot of risk and must realize this,” recalls psychotherapist Duplishchev.
Advice: It is useful to get rid of children’s fantasies about knights and white unicorns. As Konstantin Dublishchev explained, the female position “a man must necessarily earn more” (or fully support his wife) often happens in those who are looking for a husband in the father’s husband.
And this means – there will be childish whims and claims: trying to repeat the ideal scheme of “loving father – a little daughter,” a woman will inevitably run into inevitable crises and falls of her own family.
4. My salary is my payoff
Another trend in women’s thinking: to look well-groomed, a woman needs a lot of money to maintain her appearance. The result: the whole salary of the wife goes to cosmetics, massages and clothes. The husband provides the apartment and food.
Possible problem: consumer attitude and low self-esteem.
Having overcome the previous version, when the “dad” makes money, and the “daughter” spends, the woman can stop at the stage of development of the teenager: she already has her money, but she spends them exclusively on herself. Than it is fraught? “A woman in this situation gets a greater degree of freedom for the traditional role and insufficient for partnership”, – commented the psychotherapist of the Insight clinic Igor Lyakh. Therefore, in the installation “you want a joint life – pay for food”, the voice of the hidden prostitution position sounds even louder than in the situation when the husband fully provides for the family.
Tip:It’s silly to deny that this option is partially used by many. Yet often a man earns more, and it is logical that he invests more in the house, but obviously taking the position of an unequal member of the family is quite dangerous. If you deliberately seek in marriage only amenities and entertainment, then there is a chance that your husband will treat you as well – as a temporary entertainment. Sharing the responsibility for conducting the economy, let not evenly, but in proportion, you will never give reason to reproach you for dependence. When excess spending on appearance is caused by profound discontent with oneself, it is easier to talk with a psychologist than endlessly endure the patience of a husband.
Behind inoffensive, at first glance, concepts of “life” may be concealed pest thoughts. If they are invisible, but regularly cause conflicts and tension in your family – this is an excuse to get rid of them without any regrets.