Despite the emergence of new behavior trends for mankind, like carefree “childfree” and “kidalt”, who do not want to grow up, the overwhelming majority of women still want to get married.
A beautiful white dress, an incessant honeymoon, a caring husband, smiling children. To this picture you can strive or wait patiently, sitting by the window, like a princess from a fairy tale. However, success is not guaranteed either in the first or in the second case – more and more often the girls complain that time is running out and the man with whom you want to tie fate can not be found.
Why do modern women want, but can not get married, the correspondent of SE.
Cynics and skeptics talk about the gradual dying of the institution of the family, arguing that the practical value of marriage is lost – in the modern world, with the desire and certain efforts, one can survive and alone. Psychologists give other arguments.
“The need for family existed and will always exist,” said psychologist Nikita Lozin, director of the Harmony Center. – It is embedded in us on many levels: firstly, it is the continuation of the clan, secondly, this upbringing, it is aimed at creating a family in any country, and, thirdly, the desire of one person to unite with the other is conditioned not only by the desire to be together, but also a desire to create something in common. ”
According to the psychologist of the Perinatal Center Tatiana Skritskaya, a man needs a marriage to solve his psychological problems – first of all, a person appears who can be trusted with all his feelings and experiences that you will not share with someone else: “A marriage partner is needed not only for that , in order to live together, have children and have sex, but in order to have a native, psychologically close person who can solve the problem of a deep sense of loneliness. ” And it is noticed that the more lonely a person, the less he has (as a child and is at the moment) friends, the more difficult it will be for him when it comes to finding a husband.
looking for a prince
Perhaps the most common reason is “non-muzhich”. Bending fingers, the girl lists the requirements or wishes for a potential lover. The matter is, of course, useful – she must somehow prepare to get to know him in the crowd. But there are so many criteria that it is not possible to find such a man. Unless you’ve met somewhere a man with the appearance of George Clooney, the character of an angel and the state of Warren Buffett.
“Most often a woman is looking for a man who has qualities that are not related to her personal character, upbringing, but to some kind of imposed images. And, of course, it’s almost impossible to find such a man,
– explains the vain search for the ideal Nikita Lyozin. The only way to find a prince is to become a princess, that is, to put on a level that corresponds to the image of a man – then he will certainly appear on the horizon. If the princess becomes difficult and costly in strength, stop wriggling your nose from those who every day walk past you and are ready for communication, and maybe even for something bigger. “If a man does not fit into the model of a woman’s behavior, she usually says that it is too complex or, on the contrary, too primitive. Most often, a woman gets the man who corresponds to her, “- says Nikita Lozin, not allowing women to shift responsibility to the villain-destiny.
The bogatyrs were moved
About what singly lonely girls sigh? Complaints may vary in form, but they all boil down to several theses – there are no good men, the most valuable specimens have already been dismantled, and those that remain after natural selection do not want to marry. As for the “good” men, we have already found out – enough to stop harassing yourself with illusions and learn to appreciate those who are close to us. As for the total marriage, there is some truth in this. As a rule, people are emotionally stable, able to be tolerant of the shortcomings of others, and also treat disorders with humor, marry by modern standards early. “Such people are looking for a good pair and early families – up to 25-27 years of age. They have a fairly wide range of contacts, they are not afraid of family life, “- explains Tatiana Skritskaya.
As for the unwillingness of men to marry, they do not want to take responsibility, primarily economic. According to Nikita Lyozin, the whole ideology that reigns in society is to blame: when it is aimed at a family, marriage is considered a profitable, prestigious business; when there are other priorities, marriage is relegated to the background.
“Why does a man have a wife, when one can just have a woman who meets his needs? It used to be condemned, it was impossible. And now it is quite natural. The same is true for women, “the psychologist notes.
Home Sweet Home
Even if you left your parents’ home at the age of 17 and only appear there on holidays, the model of the family in which you were brought up all these years influences how your family relations will develop. According to Tatiana Skritskaya, the better and more comfortable a person felt at home, the easier it would be for him to build his family, except when parents easily let go of a grown child: “When a family is built around a child and without it, parents have no sense and desire live together, it will be more difficult for these children to create their families. ” If the impressions and memories of the parental family life are negative at all, then the grown up child risks being inclined to permanent breaks in the relationship or fear of them.
I do not believe
The desire to create a family can overlap with the desire to get rid of anxiety, fear of a potential offender. Unfortunately, not all grievances are quickly forgotten, some, hiding, wait for their time. Even if the wounds inflicted by a man have long been licked and resentments forgotten, the likelihood that a woman will unconsciously push men away is great. “This problem is quite common,” comments Nikita Lyozin. “The earlier a woman has had a situation associated with a deep resentment of a man, the later this affects the ability to create a family or partnership.” Even if the relationship develops, tension is created – and most often the woman contributes to parting.
Negative moments in the past plus the habit of being strong can lead to the same result.
“In any confidential relationship, we become more vulnerable emotionally. The fear of being vulnerable, weak and dependent hinders the building of relationships with the opposite sex, “says Tatiana Skritskaya.
Women who work a lot, sometimes claim that they would gladly get married, but they simply do not have enough time to find a partner. “There is a category of women who deceive themselves and others,” explains Nikita Lyozin. – For them career, professional development is more important. When a person says that he does not have enough time, then this is not the time is not enough, just priorities are differently placed. She’s wasting time on what’s more important. ”
“I think this is an excuse,” Tatyana Skritskaya agrees. – A successful person plans his life so that enough time is left for leisure. It can be sports, active rest or visiting of cinema, cafe, restaurants, in any of these places it is possible for someone to meet “.