People began to treat life easier: today test marriages displace ordinary, give birth to a child after forty or out of wedlock – still habitually not so, but is no longer being blamed by society as a few dozen years ago.
And only the moment when the relationship ends, puts everything in its place: it hurts everyone equally, regardless of the morality of freedom of the XXI century. In this case, the curve of the number of divorces inexorably creeps upwards each year. Learn about the reasons that push people to disperse, the correspondent of SE went to specialists.
If you try to tell offhand about the relationship that the logical end is about, the first thing to remember is the story of Glasha’s hypothetical aunt with her drinking husband. That is, the situation when obvious violations of the covenant are “love and respect your spouse.”
Nevertheless, life is paradoxical: psychologists say that unions in which everything that is called pathology in everyday life does not even disintegrate at all, but, on the contrary, last long, sometimes all life. As the candidate of psychological sciences, psychologist of the perinatal center Tatiana Skritskaya said, such unions are rarely happy, but people need these relationships, they are built on a wide range of tricks, compensation of assumptions.
Therefore, in the separation of the majority of conventionally “normal” couples, other reasons come to the fore, which make yesterday’s loving people today with regret to pack their suitcases. Let us consider some of them in more detail.
Not on the path
In today’s society, where the main priority for many is to make a career, not one boat of marriage is struggling for work. The fact is that not all people are interested, and not every partner accepts the fact that the spouse spends the day physically at work, and the evening mentally. As the director of the Anti-Stress Center, Maxim Zagoruiko, said, it is not unusual for a partner to build a career and this entails a shift in the sphere of his interests. And the other partner remains in the position of the old values.
It happens that a woman develops professionally, and she eventually becomes simply not interested in spending time with a partner who is still interested in, for example, fishing.
“One of the partners may have a different occupation, but that does not mean that it has become better. In general, it is not useful, discussing family relations, to argue that one of the partners has become lower, and someone higher, “Maxim Zagoruiko believes, and calls to depart from assessments and learn to look at the world through the eyes of a loved one in order to understand his interests.
To prevent such a situation, psychologists advise not to neglect talking about the future at the stage of marriage: it is important not only to know the person and his interests current, but also how flexible he is with important strategic issues.
Boredom for life
It happens, it suddenly turns out that the couple has become unbearably difficult to agree on how to spend a vacation, where to celebrate a celebration or even where to go on a weekend. The options that the other half offer, seem terribly boring, uninteresting and generally annoying. The moment about joint leisure is not so pass-through as it seems. If one sees himself in a tent and the other in a nightclub, it is almost impossible to agree with them.
Psychologists say: many people initially converge because of their dissimilarity, it attracts, refreshes, it seems unusual. But these couples soon start to get bored: “The stronger the emotions that arise in the first stage of acquaintance, the sooner the relations go into the near, the more likely that these relations will disintegrate – there are a lot of passions in them, but few games, joint experiences, which create the foundation for a successful union, “said Tatiana Skritskaya. Thus, it resembles not so popular, but often voiced by psychologists opinion: the eternal state of drive, strong emotions and thirst for adventure is not at all what holds two adults together.
“We love each other, and that’s enough,” such an opinion about living together is common among people who married in adolescence and fell deeply in love. Such couples are convinced: they should all get by simply because they are crazy about each other. And the collision with difficulties becomes a catastrophe for them. If something does not work out – then, love is not strong enough, and they are not created for each other, as they thought at first. Such couples are slopes to maximalism and at the same time do not know how to discuss problems. “There is an opinion that if people really love each other, and they are interested in it, everything else should go along the same path. This illusion is very dangerous. Such couples initially did not make efforts to live together, and do not realize that everything needs to be learned, “- says Tatiana Skritskaya, adding, that often in such unions it is generally accepted to turn a blind eye to the problem, to pretend that it is not. As a result, all the misunderstanding is accumulated within the partners and leads to a somewhat illogical at the sight of an outsider rupture: “they were in fact an ideal pair.”
Do not have sex with one
Another reason that makes people disperse is a marked sexual dissatisfaction. Psychologists distinguish it in a separate item, because of which people often decide to part. The discrepancy between appetites, desires, skills and needs is a vicious circle, in which there are usually so many things that people do not even know which side to start solving the problem.
Psychologists note this point as often met, but with one important caveat. “From the experience of sexologists it is known that any couple can develop their own sexual scenario, and the couple who learns to live together, in parallel learns to find models that suit both. If the couple is well in bed, and there are not many other points of contact, it will be much more difficult for them, “says Tatiana Skritskaya.
The main problem, according to psychologists and sexologists, is still the inability of partners to discuss sexual problems.
They remind: if partners love each other, they do not have any chance at all not to agree on a compromise in bed scenes.
Partners part and then, when a long time experiencing some emotional discomfort next. “This happens when you are not very happy with the nature of your partner, and a person experiences mostly negative emotions: fear, inferiority, loneliness,” Maxim Zagoruiko cites. This situation occurs when one of the allies internally is not ready for partnership. “If a person is accustomed to take more and not give, if he does not have true respect for the one who is near, there are no true warm feelings – all these are risk factors for relations,” the psychologist believes. “The feeling of comfort, intimacy and security is the foundation on which a strong relationship is built. If there is no such basis, the partners will always have thoughts, even unconsciously, in the spirit of “What do I do next to him?” Continues Tatiana Skritskaya.
Arguing about why people break up, psychologists in the end always come to one similar conclusion: the relationship ends where the end of what was their beginning ends. And if this is something – spiritual intimacy and mutual respect, then the union will be strong.