The ideal woman who behaves like a queen in society, like Mary Poppins, and in her bed like a hetaera, is probably only found in folk folklore. Unfortunately, many ladies who think about work during the day and in the evening about a family dinner in bed are far from sexual emancipation, which is actively promoted by modern media.
How to get rid of restrictions and whether to destroy them all, SHE correspondent learned from the sexologist-psychotherapist, director of the Center for Medical Sexology and Psychotherapy Igor Poperechny.
Today the word “complex” can be called anything. What is a complex in the psychological sense?
A psychological complex is a prejudiced, cautious attention to obvious or fictitious shortcomings, accompanied by uncertainty. In addition, it should be understood that complexes in the intimate sphere can not exist separately – it is always a reflection of the state of negative attitude towards oneself, and they have nothing in common with real problematic states. If a person experiences deep love for himself, he never pays attention to them.
What are women embarrassed about?
Most often, women pay attention to parts of the body that see others. For example, they are concerned about the size of their breasts and complex about it, and the true size does not matter – be it a very small chest or too large. Behind this lies the dissatisfaction of the owner not so much with her breast, as an expression of discontent towards her female component.
In recent years, the concern about the skin condition, the problem of cellulite, which did not exist 20 years ago, came to the fore, in general, simply because no one spoke about it.
Or, for example, women are embarrassed by hair on the body, especially if they are dark. They do not think that this is one of the signs of a strong sexual constitution that speaks of increased sexuality and stamina in bed.
A woman cares about how she looks, and this prevents her from experimenting?
There is an exception of the very meaning of intimate relationships, which consists in pairing. In this case, the woman pays attention only to herself, although logically should pay attention to the partner. She thinks how she looks from the side, how beautifully she lies in bed, whether she goes to her underwear – thus completely eliminating the main – interpersonal – component in sex. It is because of this that many hesitate to undress in the light. It is customary to call shyness, but in fact it says that a woman subconsciously denies her involvement in sex and deals with it, because it is so necessary.
Many women complain that they have problems with orgasm. Is it somehow connected with the complexes?
I want to note that earlier women treated it quite calmly. Today, due to constant discussion of the issue, the focus on female orgasm is simply huge. At the same time, absolutely not taken into account such moments as the degree of the sexual constitution of a woman, her experience and, importantly, her position in life.
The more active the position of a woman in society, the less she has the chance to get an orgasm. Her attention is focused on the outside world, which is typical of a man, thus she seems to associate herself with a man, and this translates into problems in sex.
Why is it so difficult for some to agree to experiments in sex?
Here it is necessary to consider the relations of partners at other levels. If a woman is in love and trusts her partner, she will give the man pleasure. In sex it is impossible to deceive, and all interpersonal problems will somehow be reflected in bed. A woman can be satisfied with a partner, but not take it at the deepest level, and this is evident from their sexual relationships.
It is considered that all problems are from childhood and upbringing. Complexes too from there?
This can usually be said if it is a person with a weak sexual constitution – it is these people who resist badly against external influences, including the parent. They then tend to blame their parents and have negative feelings for them. However, first of all it is necessary to take into account the misunderstanding of people belonging to one or another sex, as a consequence – denying themselves in this sexual role.
Where does the line between individual preferences, constraints and sexual complex go?
Each of us has its own system of representations and values - this is perfectly normal. Absolutely no restrictions in sex there are not enough people who do not have an interest in a particular partner. They boast of their absolute emancipation, but in reality it speaks of their insensitivity and consumer attitude. Possible is all that both partners accept. But the situation when one of them insists on something, and the other does not agree, should make you think about mutual trust. People who trust each other do not have such problems – they themselves establish permissible boundaries, not at the expense of the quality of relations.
Which men’s complexes are found more often and interfere with the marriage bed?
Questions related to self-sufficiency. For example, every man in his youth goes through the stage of measuring his penis. Even often the partner asks the woman after sex whether she was well. All this suggests that he cares if everything is in order with him, and not at all whether the partner is good. This determines the degree of individual development of a person and his relationship to a partner.
As a result, the situation turns out: the woman thinks about how she looks in bed, and the man – what he looks like. And there can be no question of any satisfaction.
What is behind the advice “to become emancipated”? How to act if a couple wants to improve their sex life?
To be liberated – advice is essentially nothing. First of all, a person should understand that when having sex, he must first give pleasure to another and enjoy it. The result is a double effect: a man, distracted from thinking about his own shortcomings, switches to a partner, this enriches their intimate life and at the same time improves the person’s attitude to himself – thereby solving the true problem, the cause of their complexes. Only in this harmony of relations is born.