07.05.2021

Do not subject sexual fantasies to censorship, but separate them from reality

All the media are hammered into women’s heads, how important it is to discuss with the partner everything that concerns relations. The essence of many recommendations is reduced to the discussion of desires – the one that would like to change in the relationship, and what to bring from the outside. A clear message of your thoughts and feelings ensures closeness and helps you understand. Sex – also a kind of communication. But is it worth it to connect the words or to limit oneself to the body language? And if it’s worth it, then how to talk and the main thing about what? A partner can be insulted, surprised or simply laughed, which is not any better. What should be the language of love, the correspondent of SE explained. 

Do not subject sexual fantasies to censorship, but separate them from reality“Think about what young people say before their first sexual intercourse,” Paul Joanidis writes in the book “The Bible of Sex”: ” 
Uh, do I do this …?” 
– Probably.
“Ok, I’ll put it on.” 

And it’s all. Like this. Then the actual sexual intercourse begins. Less than ten words, most of which are just interjections, separate syllables. Even cave people, and they probably could sound much more emotion. ” Indeed, despite the fact that many feel in bed freely and uninhibited, when it comes to talking about sex, it becomes inconvenient.

In erotic and pornographic films you can find a lot of useful. Frank scenes are designed not only to amaze the spectator’s imagination, cause him excitement, but also to teach that communication during intimacy awakens desire. Of course, if it’s not about the arrival of the mother-in-law or about unwashed dishes. But there is one problem. The fear of how the partner takes the words taken into arms is much stronger than the desire to revive their intimate life. 

If you want, but do not say anything
If your man is an extrovert, it does not mean that in bed he will pour replicas of porn films or incessantly admit to love. He can silently endure even the climax. When a person does not react to touching and caressing, it may seem that they are uncomfortable or indifferent to him. But this is not so. Somewhere there, to himself, he groans, calls to God for help or screams your name, but his mouth remains closed so that no one will know what’s going on inside him. 

Many people have been taught since childhood that any sexual activity (masturbation, oral or vaginal sex) is something shameful to bad boys and girls, which means it must be carefully concealed.

And let since the time when my mother went into the room without warning, a lot of water flowed, this fear is permanently fixed in memory and expressed in silent sex. Intimacy in complete silence can happen due to internal nervousness or tension. How long have you been asking about his work at work? Try to divert the lover from office wars, infecting him with his own example. The main thing is not to overdo it and not to scare it even harder. 

Do not subject sexual fantasies to censorship, but separate them from realityDo you love me?
In bed, a person opens and can expose the most secret corners of not only the body, but also the soul. In this case, there are often expectations of response. However, the bed is not the best place to find out the true feelings. “If a person constantly asks” do you love me? “, Says Igor Poperechny, director of the Center for Medical Sexology and Psychotherapy, – this indicates his insecurity and his desire to confirm his importance. And if he constantly speaks about his love, he tries to convince himself that he loves, the words here are not always the place. ” 

Fantasies
“The sexual fantasies of other people,” the Bible of Sex explains, “represent a kind of box with a set of virtual instruments, some scripts or images that help them reach the state of orgasm.” But despite the fact that the sexual fantasies of most people are similar, there is in this intimate affair a certain moment of awkwardness. And it’s not often you meet a fanatic who wants to throw out all his tools on the partner and describe them in detail. Is it not enough, how will he react? And suddenly he decides that you are a pervert? Sexologist Igor Poperechny does not recommend censoring fantasies: 

“Our task is to share fantasies or reality. Many of them are caught: a man expresses his fantasies, and the other thinks that everything – will have to comply, even if you do not want at all and is not allowed in your thoughts. “

To misunderstanding has not gone too far, it is better to agree on the shore to clarify the goals – their own and partner.

It is important to remember that during sexual arousal people can talk about very strange things at first glance. But according to the research, 90% of visionaries are not going to carry out their imagination. For example, many women imagine that they are forced into intimacy, but in real life they do not want to be raped at all. Classical fantasy of men – threesome. But this does not mean that your loved one will bring another woman home tomorrow and will require moving forward. Erotic halo and intriguing taste will accompany the fantasy as long as it remains a picture in your imagination. “When a person is at a higher stage of development,” commented Igor Poperechny, “he himself can share his fantasies and real needs and, importantly, say so.

Dirty little words

Do not subject sexual fantasies to censorship, but separate them from realityIn a fit of passion, some people are able to pronounce words and phrases that are embarrassing to say in the presence of a woman. In this case, in ordinary life, the scruples and the more so foul language from them not to hear. An unprepared listener might be shocked. However, according to Igor Poperechny, this can talk about the depth of relationships and trust – in contrast to the gentle whispers that can be heard at the beginning of the relationship, when there is a desire to seduce: 

“By vulgar utterances, people resort to a certain degree of frankness, that the partners are good to each other. “

However, the sexologist notes, there is a category of men who use vulgarity for mercenary purposes: “They completely control the process, and specifically catching a note when a woman does not control the situation, behave rudely, speak vulgarity. The woman is even more excited about this. “What a nonsense, but how cool!” – so women respond, who have experienced it. ” 

Sometimes it’s better to chew …
There are things that you should not talk about at all, and in bed in particular. The first prohibition is the previous sexual partners and everything connected with them. “This is found in young people,” says Igor Poperechny, “when you need to talk about something after sex, to occupy yourself. And they start asking each other: who was before, who was the first … Then this information will necessarily be used against a person. Therefore, a protective reflex should work here, even if there is a great temptation. “

Do not turn sex into driving lessons. Regular instructions (here touch, do not touch here, look at it, and here – no) can make an intimate proximity a worked out technological process, where there is no place for a subtle guessing of desires. Psychologists recommend to indulge in love pleasures, and discuss intimate relationships not in bed, but after – when there will be a favorable moment when partners are open to each other. “It’s best to do this in a free environment,” advises Igor Poperechny, “when partners are naked before each other or lightly dressed. It seems to be a household action, but they are open, sexy and ready to continue the topic and action. And talking right after sex about what would be so much better, and you should have been like this, sound like a complaint and break the relationship. “

We often overestimate our knowledge about the desires of our loved ones. Be careful: listen to what they say or whisper to you. Hot night! 

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