23.10.2020

Danger! Keep out

Sexual prohibitions and craving for experiments lead to problems in relations

According to the style of behavior of people who are at the “buffet”, you can divide into three groups. The former rejoice at the richness of choice, getting the opportunity to find what they need, others fall into a stupor and can not decide, and still others rush from one dish to another, trying to try everything at once. After it became clear that sex in our country still exists, and proof that they can be dealt with very differently, rushed to unprepared Russians, something similar happened. If a representative of the third category meets in one bed – hungry for a new one and the second one – falling into a stupor from everything that goes beyond the usual framework, problems arise.What to do if this happened to you, SHE correspondents learned.

According to experts, the discrepancy of norms in intimate life occurs today more often than before. “In the traditional society there were universal norms: it was prescribed how to build relationships, what a man should do, what a woman should do. These rules were universal, and now everyone decides for himself, “says psychotherapist Maxim Zagoruiko, director of the Anti-Stress Center. In this sense, luck accompanies those who know the value of freedom and knows how to dispose of it. Worse people with unstable psyche – these are the ones who want to try everything: in conditions of free choice and lack of ability to use it much more difficult.

“There is such a thing as the range of acceptability: what is the norm for one person, for another can be considered a surrogate form of sex – for example, oral sex. 

Or for one norm, and for another perversion, – says the sexologist clinic “Health” Elena Belova. “Conflict occurs in people with a different range of acceptability.” 

Is it normal, Gregory? 
There are several sources from which we derive our idea of ​​what is normal, and what plagues us in shock. 

1. Family pattern. “If, for example, a man grew up in a family where the mother was modest, and in the family of the woman, the mother emphasized her sexuality, this could lead to a mismatch in sexual relations,” says Maxim Zagoruiko. 

2. Personal experience.“For example, if in childhood a boy played catch-up – he was pleased to catch up, he was experiencing some excitement, but now, in order to get excited, he needs a woman to run away, metaphorically or really,” continues the therapist. If the lady does not run away and hurries to give herself up on the first date, it can inhibit a man’s sexual arousal, and he will need additional stimulation – something new that could cheer him up.

3. The physiological characteristics of a person can also give food for conflict, for example, if your man is fatally tired at work and shifts the usual norms of the couple, preferring to have sex in the morning – when you want to sleep. In this case, it is recommended to voice your desires and find a time that satisfies both. 

4. Influence from the side.Stories of friends about partner’s bedtime exploits or feature films on the same topic can affect a particularly impressionable nature and cause new problems. If, for example, a man likes to watch porn films, where actors have sex in the light and without blankets, he can penetrate so much that he wants to introduce a new rule into his sedate and measured intimate life with a modest wife. There are two conclusions here: not everything that the actors do or your acquaintances do is suitable for your couple and if you decide to add acuteness to an intimate life, it is worth doing this gradually, in moderate doses. 

I forbid you!
As for immediate prohibitions – things that you are not ready to go to, they also come from childhood. If the parents do not talk to the child on sensitive topics, they shy away from questions and strain when the television shows something concerning sex, the child learns that it is indecent. If you disgustingly wrinkle your nose even at the thought of sex, you can safely thank the parents. A cautiously-frightened attitude to the study of the child of his sexual organs in the form of parental cries of “do not touch!”, “Take your hands off!” Makes the child think that everything that concerns the genitals is filthy and disgusting. 

“When I ask – do you like how your partner smells, what his body looks like, whether you like kissing him, not all respond positively. But then the question arises – what are you doing here? “- Elena Belova is surprised.

According to her, such situations arise if, despite claims to appearance or sexual relations, other priorities work – the desire to marry, material interest or the fear to remain alone. “As a rule, people marry and do not discuss their needs, they silently feel displeasure and other unpleasant feelings,” complains psychotherapist Maxim Zagoruiko. 

A Doubtful Proposition The
sexual revolution, although many deny it, has nevertheless done its job. According to Maxim Zagoruiko, earlier women were more clenched in sex, today the situation is changing – it often happens that a woman is more relaxed than a man.

“Raskozannost can be just a property of character, or a way to assert itself, raise self-esteem or conform to the norms of some important group for a person,” the

therapist says. At the same time, there is no rigid dependence – unchained in everyday life, a man can be trapped in bed, and vice versa. 

According to Elena Belova, the range of acceptability can be expanded if desired: “But if a person does not accept any alternative things and in marriage fulfills marital duties in a standard format, one can draw the appropriate conclusions about his sexual literacy and emancipation.”

It is unpleasant if, in the opinion of a partner, you are caught, and you are persistently proposing that you get rid of prejudices and prove in practice that you are completely uninhibited. Should I agree to questionable experiments? “Only if it does not break the inner content of a person and is done not because” they offered me “and then it was bitter, painful and disgusting, jealousy or self-esteem arose,” Elena Belova is sure, adding that men are more likely to experiment, so they often take the initiative in this matter.

In the case of conflicts on the topic of the content of sexual life, the recommendations of specialists are quite universal: “It is not necessary to do what is clearly unacceptable, it is important to understand yourself, to understand your partner, to harmonize your needs and find ways of implementation that satisfy both”, says the therapist Zagoruiko. In his view, one of the key problems is that people are poorly aware of their norms and preferences: “If a woman can still say what she wants from her partner and what he should do, what she should do and what is required of her, she poorly understands. It is not customary to understand yourself, but it is customary to demand. And this applies not only to the sexual sphere. ” 

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