Reasoning about the crisis and its consequences managed to tire even the most patient. And although the family crisis is much more modest in scale than the world financial crisis, those who experience it are not that much easier.
Whatever form the crisis takes – misunderstanding, scandals over trifles or ominous silence, – it pretty badly poisons the existence of all members of the family. SHE correspondents found out why relations are hard and how to overcome the family crisis.
What good crises are, it’s their ability to invigorate: they force to try something new, attract untapped resources, change and strive for their goal. “Crises in family relationships are and should be,” said psychologist, director of the “Lad” center Alexander Zhukov.
This is a resource for development. If the family finds an opportunity to resolve them, it develops, and the relationship goes to a higher level. ” The fact that problems and disagreements are considered the norm, psychologists explain by the fact that people simultaneously strive for unity and disunity. On the one hand, we want to lie, embracing, on the couch, and on the other – we insist that the partner turn off the channel “Sport” and turn on the sentimental melodrama. Frustration and resentment often turn out unsaid
Traditionally, it is customary to single out crises of the first year of joint life, three, seven and fifteen years – the same crises occur in the child. According to Alexander Zhukov, this gradation is very conditional, and it is really connected with the stages of personality development and age crises, which are transferred to relations.
Nevertheless, different pairs interact with different speed and intensity, so expect, and even more afraid of the fact that the marriage will soon be three years, and hence the family life will crack at the seams, is not worth it. And yet it’s good to know what’s going on, so consider the most common crises in detail.
Oh, these parents. Who would have thought that my mother’s instructions could conflict with the advice of her mother-in-law and as a result this would lead to major scandals with her husband. “The first crisis is the beginning of a married life, when they start living together and the heat of love disappears. – Everyone in the parents’ family had their own rules. And often they do not coincide, “says Maxim Zagoruiko, director of the Anti-Stress Center. According to him, the mature people who have the first marriage behind them, this period is easier – they are more consciously marry and appreciate the good things they get from living together.
Why partners are having a family is of great importance. Marriage as a means to heal old wounds after parting with another person, marriage in order to quickly separate from the parents as a result lead to a dead end. Conversely, the active participation of parents, their intervention in the life of newlyweds becomes fertile ground for conflicts. “The complicating factor is the big differences between spouses – by age or views on life – for example, when the husband is older and adheres to traditional views regarding the position of the wife,” says Maxim Zagoruiko. To cope with this crisis it is possible, discussing and creating new, joint rules of behavior and interaction with each other.
Undoubtedly, the appearance of the coveted child in the family brings new deeply positive emotions. But also new worries and responsibilities, which were not there before. Changes in appearance during pregnancy, the need for help and care after giving birth require a man of greater sensitivity and attention. Not always a man is ready for this.
Plus, all the love and tenderness of a woman switches to a child, and the man gets pathetic crumbs.
“Becoming a mother, a woman spends most of her time and attention on the child, and the man remains” unmoothed “- in direct and figurative senses,– Alexander Zhukov comments. A man experiences discomfort, and it is at this time that relationships often deteriorate, adultery occurs, the husband goes to work, or abuses alcohol, or looks for comfort on the side. To overcome this difficult period, psychologists recommend to work out the rules of coexistence again, but taking into account the upbringing of children. In this case, great difficulties arise only with the advent of the first child, at the birth of the following everything happens much easier.
Without rose-colored glasses
The next crisis may coincide with the time when the child goes to school, after about seven years of living together. At this time the woman is already going to work, she has new interests, not related to the family. And she can bitterly find out that the old feelings are no longer – they have transformed into something that can not be called love with confidence. “From the point of view of evolutionary psychology, love lasts for about five years, so that a man and a woman have time to become interested in each other and give birth to a child. Over time, the idealization of the partner is reduced, there is disappointment, it turns out that he is behaving differently than we would like, the shortcomings become obvious, “Maxim Zagoruiko explains.
Middle of life
The hope that, after breaking the ten-year boundary, the family will live happily ever after, are not justified. Ahead still the most difficult period – about 13-17 years of a joint life. “At the same time, the crisis of the middle of life is superimposed,” Maxim Zagoruiko adds, “when a person sums up, they are often disappointing. And there is a great temptation to blame the spouse for not getting what he wanted. ” The crisis of the middle of life is accompanied by the fear of old age, fears that nothing new in life will be no more – with gray hair a beard sometimes comes a desire to diversify their lives by connections on the side.
This period, according to Maxim Zagoruiko, is especially critical for those spouses who did not solve their problems at the previous stage and stayed together for the sake of the child.
In such a situation, the child often takes on the function of bonding the family, and he has psychosomatic illnesses that force the spouses to do everything in their power to help the child.
If a child suddenly has serious health problems, he often gets sick, or inadequately behaved, this may be a signal that the crisis has broken out in the relationship between the spouses, and the child subconsciously tries to attract attention for the purpose of uniting the parents.
What to do?
This paragraph will be the shortest in writing, but the longest and most complex in its embodiment. The main thing that should be remembered, according to psychologists, is that crises occur in every family, and they are related to the features of the functioning of the family, and not to the fact that someone is bad, but someone is good. It is necessary from time to time to arrange a family council, in which everyone can express their feelings and thoughts about the relationship.
Even if the relationship is noticeably cool, it is also necessary to express and discuss. At the same time, do not take a child’s position, accusing and demanding an immediate change in the habits and values of the spouse, warns Alexander Zhukov: “Adult position is, above all, a conversation, a statement of their desires, when a person is ready to accept a refusal. A child’s position is “I still want, give!”.
Misunderstanding by a partner can cause a sudden desire to file for divorce. But in the dissolution of marriage, as well as in matters of its conclusion, it is not necessary to hurry. “Do not make harsh decisions about divorce,” says Maxim Zagoruiko. – In psychotherapy, there is even such a rule – not to make a decision within two months, so that you can soberly assess the situation. “