28.10.2020

Civil marriage for women – rehearsal for family life, for man – avoidance

Today we can say with confidence that everyone does this.Hollywood stars, ordinary citizens and even some politicians. To marry without prior cohabitation, not having received experience of family relations, today is considered, to put it mildly, old-fashioned.Every tenth marriage in Russia does not have a civil registration (nevertheless, for some reason it is called civil). Getting married became like buying a car – many want to do a test drive before kissing under the screams of “Bitter!”. Who in a civil marriage to live well, found out the correspondent of SE.

The attitude to civil marriage is still very ambiguous. Religious people accuse the youth of sin and fornication, the older generation remember with sadness that earlier relations were cleaner and more honest. We leave without comment the charges of the first, but we dare to doubt the approval of the latter. Yes, pre-marital relations were condemned and branded with shame, yes, no one climbed under the skirt on the second date, but those who passionately wanted to do it, got what they wanted under the condition of marriage in the load. As in some trains in an appendage to tea give a chocolate, which must be paid separately. Fair?

Those who did not follow the footsteps of their ancestors and live without a stamp in their passports, want to experience all the advantages of family life, without risking replenishing the sad statistics of divorce. How else can you learn about the habits and preferences of a loved one, if you do not share living space with him? Despite loud exclamations that the addiction to serials and the socks scattered on the floor have nothing to do with love, these socks and serials can be the last straw in family life. If the floating shortcomings outweigh the merits, you can part. Parting in this case will be less painful, if only because you do not have to ask permission from representatives of law or religion to terminate the union. And if the chosen one was even better than you suspected, then God himself ordered to go to the registry office. 

Why hurry?
However, often civil spouses do not rush to register. For some, this is a deliberate choice, a kind of rebellion against traditional forms of relations, while others simply “get stuck” in a civil marriage. At the same time, the brakes are often men – we are already well, dear? Explanations of the mass: then there is no apartment, then money for a wedding limousine. However, according to the doctor-psychotherapist Lyudmila Yurganova (clinic “Insight”), delaying the registration of relationships is most often associated with a man’s reluctance to take responsibility for the family. If a woman lingers, we can talk about her insecurity in a partner.

According to the SHE survey, 48% of our readers believe that the stamp in the passport gives this very confidence in the partner, 32% consider registration a mere formality, 18% see it as meaningful only when children appear and 2% are sure that the stamp kills love. 

“Those who want reliability or at least its illusions marry more willingly,” says Alena Sagadeeva, a psychologist, founder of the Institute of Counseling. – More often it is really women, and this is normal, because it is connected with the need and desire to give birth and raise children. And the wedding ritual is a solemn transition to another quality. 

Those who want to preserve their freedom or are very afraid to dissolve in marriage, do not hurry up with the registration of relations. As a rule, these are men. “

In addition to the causes of the individual, there are social ones. Already no one (well, or almost no one) will not poke at you with a finger if you decide to live with a man. The society turns a blind eye to the lack of a stamp and thereby gives green light to those who do not want to bind themselves with unnecessary obligations. After all, even people of the most stringent rules, such as grandparents of civil spouses, have to come to terms with reality. Ludmila Yurganova notes that the attitude of relatives also plays a role – all parents want their children to be happy owners of all attributes of family well-being, including material ones. And since in modern reality it is rather problematic to acquire an apartment, for example, relatives agree to close their eyes and wait for the “young ones to stand on their feet”. 

To whom is it profitable?
Civil marriage is not a worldwide evil – it is useful because you can rehearse your family life and imagine the future well. Both partners benefit emotionally and materially – both men and women need love and care, and the total income clearly exceeds the salary of one, no matter how much it earns.

The disadvantage, according to Alena Sagadeeva, is that many people are flirting and live as they need, without making decisions: “And under such circumstances, children are born. And the social and family status of the child is the basis of his self-esteem, laid in the family. ” In such a situation, the breakdown of relations not only brings psychological pain, but also deprives a woman and children, in case of their appearance, of elementary protection. Presence of love our state is of little interest, so if it (love) suddenly ceases to exist, to tell you that you have invested so much money in his apartment, and now have remained alone with the baby in your arms, it will be possible only to a close friend.

Nevertheless, women continue to converge, move in and simply live with men, being in a strange status “not satisfied.” At the same time, they voluntarily take on the responsibilities associated with marriage, in men, such voluntary volition is observed less often. “For a woman, marriage is a transition to a new quality, reliability and compatibility, and most often the possibility of the emergence of children,” explains the women’s position of Alain Sagadeev. “In this sense, for them, civil marriage is more like a test of a pen, after which, if successful, a real wedding will follow.” For men, it is more often the opportunity to be with a beloved woman, but not to bind oneself to the hands and feet of obligations, where the fear of an official marriage is removed through the opportunity to live in civil. 

And so good
Often women complain about the passivity of men in making decisions about marriage. Making an offer to a woman is usually embarrassing, and numerous hints remain unanswered. What if you have been living in a civil marriage for a while, but only you are dreaming about a wedding? Alas, there are no unique recommendations suitable for any union.

“If registration is delayed, then one of the couple has not decided whether he needs a marriage,” explains Alain Sagadeeva. – And this solution can mature slowly, or it can never mature. 

And if a man is satisfied with something that does not suit a woman – then by what criterion did they choose each other? A beautiful voice or broad shoulders is not an occasion to be together. But the ability and the desire to be together happily is the criterion. “

It is better to find out the dreams of the future still on the shore. Find out in advance how your chosen one wants to live – whether he wants a full-fledged family or is satisfied with a civil marriage without unnecessary tensions and children. If he chooses the second option – it’s his right, and attempts to rewrite the personal aspirations of the other – the way to a common misfortune. Attraction of a third person in the form of a psychologist is suitable only in a situation where both are aware of the problem and both agree to work on its solution. 

If the problem worries only you, then you and choose – whether to wait, when your fruit ripens, or go in search of more “ripe”. 

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