Far too often, I’ve heard someone say the above statements, and truthfully, I have as well. I would shed a tear seeing friends consume meals together as I cancelled yet another dinner date with my friend as I didn’t want to slip up my diet.
I would often pretend I was too tired to be sexually intimate with my partner when in reality, I was waiting until I was thinner. I avoided beach trips with loved ones and pulled out of tropical holiday as I was conditioned to believe I needed to be smaller to wear a bikini.
“I’ll wear a bikini once I’m thinner”.
“I’ll start dating again after I lose weight”.
“I’ll book that holiday when I’m slimmer”.
“I’ll be intimate with my partner when I’m smaller”.
“I’ll start enjoying my life once I’m thin enough”.
I was constantly waiting, waiting to start enjoying my life. As I was conditioned to believe that weight loss was my only key to love, intimacy, success, and confidence so much so that it saddens me to admit that when I was 18, I blew out my birthday candles and wished to be thinner. I hoped I would get the stomach flu because I knew that meant I would lose weight. When I spotted a shooting star, I closed my eyes and prayed for thinness. I wore a waist trainer to bed because I was told it would make me slimmer.
I believed the lies being sold by the media that being thinner was the only way to feel true happiness. But after years of choosing thinness over my relationships, mental health and welling, I learnt that losing weight doesn’t make you any more worthy of being loved. Being thinner won’t make you successful and dropping kilos doesn’t automatically equal happiness.
But you know what does? Believing you are worthy of these things exactly as you are. You cannot hate your body into a version you love. Trust me, I tried. You don’t owe anyone thinness. Especially not yourself. But you do owe yourself a life without restriction. You deserve to let go of the thin ideal so you can accept and embrace the body you live in right now.
I thought gaining weight and living in a soft body was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. But it’s not. Pausing your life, restricting your body’s wants and needs, idolising thinness and sacrificing your mental health is.
