Couples unequal in age or material situation, you hear criticism in your address quite often. A disapproving glance is received by a girl who meets an adult lover, and a lady in years next to a lover young.
But if the union of an adult man with a young girl is almost traditional, then the second option began to gain momentum recently and society is often more often censured.
How to build a relationship with a man younger and than they can be dangerous, the correspondent of SHE explained.
Infants and fans
Psychologists distinguish three conditional groups of women who have relationships with younger lovers.
The first ones are those who had such an experience spontaneously. The woman has experience of different relationships: with peers, as well as young and not very lovers. So if a woman simply tries different options and does not seek specifically targeted youngsters, then this option is considered “conditionally normal”.
The latter are “older sisters”. The difference in age with a partner is from 3 to 6 years. As the trainer and family consultant of the Verona center Elena Melnikova told, this woman has got used since childhood to play the role of the eldest in the house.
Its motives are to steer in everyday life and make decisions. Men who enter into such relationships, as a rule, are younger children in the family.
Such unions are considered quite stable and harmonious, but only if partners have a coincidence of positions, and the “sister” meets “brother” and not “son”, for example.
Still others are “mother-son”, this option is more and more popular today. “Often boys grow up without a father in the family, the mother line is understandable to them, and the role of the man is not,” explains Anna Berdnikova, the family psychologist at the Insight clinic. As a result, each “boy” has his own “mother”. Often this is a successful woman in her career, she watches herself and looks good, knows her own worth and often already has a persistent disappointment in the “adult peasants”.
Option: the woman assumes the mission to “save the fatherland” and acts as the savior of poor young talents. “The secondary benefit is the preservation of the sense of youth:” I can still pinch the young and like them. ” Here the difference in age can be from 8 to 12 years, sometimes – 20. Men in these relations arrange the position of the son. It is convenient not to build relationships, there is no long courtship and you can pass the bouquet-candy period “, – Elena Melnikova cites an example. Well, mutual sexual interest is an important factor: both partners are at the peak of their sexual desires and complement each other extremely well.
In Elena Melnikova’s opinion, in an option where the roles were shared as sister-sisters (by analogy with the parental families), the relationship can be quite harmonious. And most importantly – family (although some seem boring), and children in such unions only unite. If there was a variant “sister” and “son”, conflicts will be inevitable. Seniors look after the youngest and care, but they do not keep it on a free boarding house, like parents – spoiled children.
In the case of the relationship of “son” and “mother” everything becomes more complicated. Usually partners can not come to an agreement about the birth of a child: a man believes that you can still wait. A woman’s biological clock ticking faster, and she worries that you should and give birth. Psychologists are sure that no matter how a woman grows young, inside she always remembers her age.
What happens to a man? He, “ripe”, begins to want children and look at their peers, it’s also natural. The woman also grows up, her appearance changes with the years, and the man may well want to look for a new “mother”, already for her children, and preferably without wrinkles under the eyes.
There is a problem – a man enters the age when children are already needed, and a woman can not give birth to them.
According to experts, this is the most frequent factor affecting the separation. “The biggest drawback of this partnership is the temporary nature of these relations, which in the case of a difference of 10 years or more rarely become officially family. Quite often, such relationships end with the appearance of a man’s desire to have children, and the woman is already deprived of such an opportunity due to circumstances, “recalls Anna Berdnikova.
If a couple does not have their own children, but they have a woman (and quite adults), then they will add fuel to the fire. Seldom does anyone like my mother’s lover of your age. Conflicts and misunderstandings are inevitable, and not all women are able to make a choice.
And, of course, no one has canceled the difference of interests. The task of figuring out where to go out together, so that it was interesting to both, can become a real quest, and the stories of a growing man about new experiences for him will bore an experienced woman.
What is the ideal age difference? Specialists agreed that the difference of about 5 years does not matter, provided the age of both partners is more than 35 years. In other words, when the partner’s social statuses are equalized. According to the psychologist of the Insight clinic Igor Lyakh, it is the concept of social status that is much more important than the date of birth in the passport: since the very concept of “age difference” is introduced by the society, this society estimates it.
And if, for example, a woman has a younger lover is a gigolo – then the evaluation of the society will be obvious. But when a man is younger, at the same time he earns well and does not pretend to be a young athlete without a penny in his pocket, then the problem of assessing the society is to a greater extent smoothed out.
Yes, and more. In order for a woman in such relations to feel comfortable even for herself (not for society), psychologists recommend that one rule be fulfilled: in a good sense, “live for today”, getting the maximum of pleasure from the current relationship. To realize that these relations can end (just like any other), do not make a tragedy of it, if it happened, and not live with illusions. However, such advice will be useful in any relationship, regardless of age.