“Most people can not get married properly,” Sergei Dovlatov remarked wisely and subtly. Despite the positive trend – the number of divorces in the Novosibirsk region has decreased compared to the previous year, statistics are still unhappy: out of 100 marriages 75 disintegrate.
Psychologists are sure that many problems can be avoided if one approaches the issue of marriage thoughtfully and does not become a victim of illusions. She learned about the things that must be taken into account to get married “properly”, the specialists of SHE.
Making predictions and trying to predict the future is an integral part of human life. To say for sure, whether you will be happy with who you are extremely cute, can only fortune tellers.
And yet there are several aspects that need to be considered. We take the butterflies in the belly, the sinking of the heart and other pleasant attributes of love for braces and try to look at the situation soberly.
Time does not wait
The situation when a girl does not marry in marriage, but jumps out, occurs quite often. The lack of tact for curious relatives and frightening prospects to spend the rest of your life surrounded by books contribute to a quick decision making. “Girls often jump in marriage only in order to free themselves from the pressure of their parents,” says psychologist Nikita Lozin, director of the Harmony Center. “Therefore, they do not think who is in front of them – it is important for them to leave the family.” In this case, the girl moves away from the despotic mother or father, having a very good reason.
Marriage for some becomes a kind of refuge, where you can not only relax from your parents, but also come to your senses after the love troubles. This happens if the marriage occurs less than six months after the acquaintance – during this time people do not have time to recover from past failures on the love front: “We are not Romeo and Juliet, who at the age of 16 were going to get married.
We are looking for a life partner after parting with the previous one. And given that self-treatment lasts up to six months, the relationship that ended in marriage earlier is actually a medical process with the help of another person, “says Igor Poperechny, director of the Center for Medical Sexology and Psychotherapy. However, he does not recommend delaying the period of courtship.
Periodic meetings for two to three years cause people to adapt to this situation – as a result, the role of lovers is so satisfying that in the future in the family life problems can arise.
Prince and the Pauper
The plot of the fairy tale about Cinderella is so beloved and seductive that most of the girls are still waiting, unwilling to believe in the harsh law of life, repeatedly repeated by psychologists: to meet the prince, one must become a princess. “If a girl does not reach the level that she is looking for in a man, naturally, only what she corresponds to will come to her. Of course, we want to be richer, healthier and happier, but we can fantasize as much as we want, but we will get only what we have inside ourselves, “Nikita Lyozin opens her eyes to potential princesses. The only way out is to recognize your imperfection and find a man who will strive for excellence with you.
In addition to the role of Cinderella, girls often try on the role of a creative creator-sculptor, capable of molding what is necessary, from what is. According to Igor Poperechny, more often than not, a woman planning to get married already has an idea of what her husband should be like. Meeting with a man and realizing that under her “matrix” this comrade does not quite fit, she is sure that she can eliminate what she does not like. As a result, it is a bitter disappointment. Another mistake is the expectation that the partner will be a generalist.
“A woman is waiting for her husband to be a plumber at home, in society – a respectable man, in bed – a chic lover. Unfortunately, all these qualities are overwhelmingly incompatible.
Each person has one direction in which he is more developed. ” It is worth noting that these beliefs are no less common in men. In the conditions of a rich choice, they expect the chosen one to succeed in all possible areas – a woman must simultaneously be an excellent mother and an indispensable worker, a sexual mistress and an ideal hostess. “To a woman could be different, she could keep all parties at the right height, a man should actively engage in family life,” warns male readers Igor Poperechny.
Unity of Opposites
Divorced and those who looked at each other, and those who looked in one direction, and even those who regularly twisted his head in search of happiness. What is more important and more correct: to find your exact copy or to find a half – a person who will complement you and, like a puzzle piece, turn into a beautiful picture? According to Nikita Lyozin, the forecast is more favorable for couples whose interests and characteristics related to the personality are similar. At the same time, a person needs to be different: “People with different temperaments get along better. A very temperamental person is more comfortable with a calm person, as a result of balancing, harmony is born. But if they meet, for example, two choleric people – it will not seem a little. ”
“In Soviet times, we were told that we need to find a soul mate. Unfortunately, psychology proves the opposite. Excellent relationships are formed under the conditions of tolerance for each other and responsibility for each other only for the same people,
Igor Poperechny is sure. – Imagine two energetic people – they can live splendidly apart, but the two are better. When a woman next to a man develops, when a woman supports her husband’s initiatives and is ready to take on certain problems, when both feel behind her a reliable rear, then the relationship is ideal. ”
If men divide all women into those who can be taken as wives, and those with whom you can just have a good time, they are likely to sympathize with such a classification with respect to themselves. The right man with a set of positive qualities of a potential spouse is valued even in the absence of passion and love. “Perhaps such a marriage of convenience is better than a frivolous marriage, which in a few months will end in divorce,” says Nikita Lyozin.
“But if, after some time, this woman meets someone she loves, it will be a great tragedy in her life, since she can not let go of her beloved, and will feel like a traitor to her husband.” In addition, a man can feel that he, in fact, used. “It is impossible to hide such relations, sooner or later it will become obvious, – warns Igor transverse. “And, despite the fact that everything in the family is stable and calm, a man will start looking for feelings on the side.”