Times change, morality changes with them. What was considered unacceptable twenty years ago is now widely accepted by many. But there are things that even in the progressive age cause so much controversy that others never dreamed.
One such question is the time that must elapse before the partners get to bed together. The correspondent of SE tried to reflect the basic guidelines on this issue and to understand the arguments for and against.
If you ask your girlfriends how they evaluate such a phenomenon as sex on the first evening, then for certain you will hear indignant reviews that it is unacceptable, immoral, stupid, reckless or even dangerous. However, according to a survey conducted in the US sex research center, sex on a first date is practiced by every third woman.
You can, however, argue that the results are American, the figures are fake, and the survey is unrepresentative, but there is some truth in it: many women have found themselves in this situation, but few can admit to themselves and their acquaintances.
Since traditionally women’s devices can be conditionally divided into “why not” and “I will stand firm to the end”, let’s consider the motives underlying them.
The ease of being
“I’m afraid to be alone”
Few people confess (because very few people realize) that often behind the easy attitude to “fast” sex lies the banal fear that a man who has been refused will go away forever. In the era of the total deficit of good men (and if we went on a date with him, then at least he is worthy, is not it?) A woman, willy-nilly, sometimes has to give in giving out her fear for her desire.
The psychotherapist, the director of the medical center “Markatun” Marina Markutun called such behavior a gesture of despair: even realizing that the interest of a man can be lost, a woman agrees to sex, subconsciously afraid to miss it.
“I will conquer him”
There are also those who knowingly practice sex right after a new acquaintance. Director of the Center for Medical Sexology and Psychotherapy Igor Poperechny believes that this behavior is usually caused by a stereotype, a habit of thinking that only through sex (especially good sex), she will receive a guarantee of retention of a man. According to the sexologist, this kind of thinking is characteristic of immature women who do not see other opportunities and do not appreciate themselves and their personal qualities.
“He will do as I want”.
Reverse situation: a woman cherishes the common idea that a man by nature is a hunter, and consciously delays intimacy, even if that’s what he most wants. The position “and wants, and is pricked” is often associated with internal complexes. It is good, if the girl really has certain principles and the partner understands them and accepts them. In life, it’s different: “If a woman deliberately pulls back intimacy, it can talk about trying to manipulate the partner’s behavior,” says Igor Poperechny. This lady believes that if the guy makes a long wait, his affection will increase, and the behavior will improve. So she wants to “educate” her partner and skillfully presses on the most subtle place: it is difficult for a man to leave with nothing, in this case – to part without ever having achieved sex.
“I was so brought up”
The most probably, the most common case: if a woman is not ready to share a bed with a new man, too, in her opinion, soon, one can always refer to the fact that “it is not accepted”. Psychologists consider this situation pathological, because a woman is guided by external, evaluation criteria, and not her own. Where the assessment begins in terms of “public morality”, there is no room for feelings.
“It’s only possible for a person who has no feelings for this partner, even if he wants it to be not so,” to count and think ahead of time when to go to bed with a partner, – says Igor Poperechny. The argument “decent girls do not behave themselves that way” is also included here – a typical variant of an externally imposed estimate. And fear, meanwhile, is one of the most common. After all, some men confess that they think the same way.
According to sexologists, a man begins to meet with a woman, wanting physical proximity – this is his nature. This is a feature of psychology: “Men and women have different approaches: a man usually wants to determine his attitude to a woman after sex, while a woman seeks to find out everything before him,” explains Igor Poperechny. With all this, there are men who are wary of the willingness of women to surrender on the first evening.
Their argument usually consists in the fact that such a woman in sexual relations is illegible, accordingly, will not be true. Igor Pereperchny believes that this behavior, especially in a situation where a man deliberately pulls away the moment of intimacy, speaks of his lack of self-confidence and self-doubt. “Such men are most often formed the so-called syndrome of waiting for failure, so it’s easier for them to pretend, that sex does not interest them, “adds the sexologist. Sure, a mature man does not think anything strange if a woman wanted sex that evening and with him: because it is calm that his partner had sex before him.
Time for feelings
“We are all grown-up people” – this is the position of a person who does not feel guilt after sex on the first evening. The problem is not in terms (the case is too individual), but in what motives actually limit or, on the contrary, push you to extremes: where there is an assessment, a problem arises. If the partners do not think about evaluation, but about each other and their feelings, they will find the right option for them. That is why it is so often the case when happy couples with laughter recall the first meeting, ending with the first sex. And those who did everything by the rules, part, wishing they had not done this before. Sex itself does not honor, does not detract from the merits of partners, just as it can not in itself talk about the possibility of a serious relationship.
“Everything depends only on the feelings of people. If a man at first sight understands that this is his woman, and the woman feels the same, they will aspire to bed, because this is a natural, normal desire.
Then, and sex on a first date will not be a problem for them. And if there are no feelings – even after a month, sex will not change anything and the probability of serious relationship will not increase, “says Igor Poperechny.
In the course of the development of relations, anything and anything can go wrong. And not always the reason in sex. Often, partners do not part because they have chosen the wrong time for intimacy.