Stable family, warm and predictable relations with loved ones, the agreement between mom and dad – this is the main thing that is necessary for the child. “Predictability is what makes for a child safe world and worthy of trust,” explains child psychologist Galia Nigmetjanova.
If this stable structure is falling apart, the child feels strong anxiety.
It is always different: one ceases to sleep, the other starts to behave aggressively, and third constantly acting out. Older children may have problems in school, with teachers, peers…
How best to help children during transitions?
1. Tell us about the change together. It is advisable to do it in advance, anticipating the child’s questions, and – together. It would be better if about an impending divorce, the parents tell the child together. About the new marriage/the marriage and the expectation of another child with your new partner. If the question of the relations between half-siblings, then to the part we should have half-brothers and-sisters.
The child will see between adults is consent, they do not conceal anything from each other. Paired arrangements, for example, between mother and son, behind the rest of the family, usually become the starting point of the conflict, schism.
2. Agree. But before talking with the child, the adults need to discuss all the difficulties and to take a coherent position as possible. The child should not be a tool to clarify relations between adults.
The more worldly, concrete, household shade has a conversation, the better support is given to the child
3. Calm down. A stable emotional state is essential in order to talk with your child. He needs to see your confidence: it allows him to feel that the world is not falling apart. “Contamination” negative emotions is a bad companion in the discussion of such important topics as life changes.
4. Confess to love. For many children’s issues lies the main question to a loved one: do you need me? Will not leave me in the same way, as did daddy (mommy)? Therefore, all responses must end with the expression of love, care, tenderness, evidence of the fact that you will always be there for him.
5. Draw the future. Children rarely expect us to deep conversations. They need the stability and predictability of everyday life. The more worldly, concrete, household shade has a conversation, the better support is given to the child.
Be sure to tell us what will be now his routine. Who will take him in the garden, who will pick up from school, checking homework, feed dinner. Even before you travel it makes sense to tell you what toys he can take it with you, where you will live and what to do.
If you are expecting another child in his new family, say, “after your brother/sister, caring for him will require a lot of time and attention. But you can always contact me (dad or mom) with a request: “I would like to be alone with you”.
We have put together some common questions that may disturb the kids when the parents divorce and other family changes. Situation says Galia Nigmetjanova.
HALF-BROTHERS AND SISTERS
“My new brother, the son of my stepfather, tells me what to do. He is a senior. Do I have to obey him? He’s not native!” Peter, 9 years old
Psychologist’s answer: At this age, even when relationships between siblings are particularly explosive, instructions brother can be unbearable. But anyway, there are rules that must be followed under any circumstances. If an older brother asks to leave the room / do not take without permission his things/ him to provide the conditions for business – he’s right. In this case, his request should be executed. But so are the rights of all family members.
Other requirements can be specified, to negotiate or to say no, but convincingly. Do I need to intervene parents? Best of all, if the parents first ask children themselves to agree among themselves – if only adults did not see a clear situation of humiliation or aggression. Can offer children the option: “you Have 5/10 minutes, so you agreed. If your dispute turns into a strong argument or a fight, we walk into a room and make a decision.”
“Mom wants me to call her stepfather daddy. But I don’t like it. Where’s my real dad, I don’t know”. Mike, 6 years old
Psychologist’s answer: can the Child call his stepfather dad, if you do not want. But I know that in some families the adults put pressure on children for whatever reasons of their own. For example, in the same house together living relatives and adopted children, and father wants everyone to call him the same.
Pressure is a special kind of child abuse. Avoid-only one way – two adults, to agree among themselves, possibly with the participation of a specialist. In severe cases, the child may seek the assistance of other relatives (grandparents, uncles and other relatives).
“Mommy and daddy now living separately. I like to visit dad and his new wife. And I want to meet New year there. And mom won’t allow it.” Masha, age 8
Psychologist’s answer: the Girl should talk to dad about their desires. And ask him to negotiate with the mother. But the child should not act as an intermediary in adults, among whom there is no contact. This is a heavy burden for him.
In General, the main rule for parents when a child lives in two houses – not to criticize each other’s backs and not put in a bad light in front of the child. “Your mother never feed” – with a grin says the father. “Your father, I suppose, you flunked the 35th box of LEGO to buy?” – derogatory says the mother. Nothing worse than this.
With all the other difficulties of life in two houses – with the change of regime, different living conditions, nutrition – the child is able to cope.
“We went to another area and I was enrolled in a new school. Now I can’t see with your girlfriends. I miss you and cry. What do I do?” Kate, 12 years old
Psychologist’s answer: Miss my friends of course, and upset me very clear Katya. All face it. Talking with your daughter about her friends, look at photographs, remembering the stories of their lives.
And be interested in what is happening in her new class and generally in school. Is there any interesting guys that she likes the new team and what not. If the child has in principle no serious difficulties in communication with peers in the new school contacts will be adjusted. Just need time to get used to unfamiliar surroundings.
“Dad has another family now, and there was born a little baby. He rarely calls for a long time did not come. I’m afraid that he’ll forget about me.” Light, 6 years
Psychologist’s answer: unfortunately, among the fathers and mothers are people unreliable, unpredictable, and they can really forget about the baby. In such a complex situation it is essential emotional stability of the other parent. When you’re relaxed and happy, the child will cease this situation be taken too serious.
In any case, you cannot deceive a daughter, reassuring words: “Dad remembers about you, he’s just very busy.” You can not call difficulties are temporary: if dad doesn’t remember even the day of the birth of the child, you can be sure that soon they will be successfully resolved? Why support the child the illusion?
Do not judge the father in any way, nor embellishing it and not condemning. Say what is: “you Have me, mom, and I love you. I don’t know what exactly is happening with dad. Maybe he’s had it rough, I don’t know. But I’m ready for our lives to make a warm, cozy, as far as possible.”
A child older that 12 years, we can offer: imagine that you grew up and you can tell dad whatever you want. What would you tell him? Write about what you feel in your journal. Then, when you grow up you will show daddy your diary. Or will be able to speak with him on these topics.