Flirting with continuation
In the vocabulary of psychologists, the word “luck” is absent – if you meet a married man once or twice, it is more likely that you are talking about the unconscious choice of a special kind of men for a relationship. True, women themselves rarely admit this. “I was approached by women who described the ambiguous situation in which they fell in the following way:” I was not guilty, he himself came. I do not understand how it happened, I fell in love with a married man. And now what to do? “- shares stories from practice psychologist Arina Podchasova.
According to her, such relationships usually have two phases – at first they are easy to treat, as if they are not obliging to flirt with the continuation, and then, if you did not stop there and left the game, the second phase begins, cheerful. “And then either work begins with yourself with the help of a psychologist, or an independent” work on the situation, “continues Ms. Podchasova. – It can differ scenarios: “take away from the family and marry yourself”; “Wait for years when he sees that I love him more than my wife”; “To suffer in silence, just to see it sometimes”; “Tear out of the heart with blood and forget” … Or throwing from the script into a script that occurs in the vast majority of cases. In general, walking on the agony, do not envy! “. The question arises: what for these lovely women so suffer? What are married men profitable from all others?
The thirst for freedom
According to the psychotherapist of the Insight clinic, Igor Lyakh, most often married men are chosen because of certain characteristics, peculiar merits that are inherent in them: they are more stable, less controlled, and not so much involved in the process of emotional dependence as unmarried men:
That level of intimacy, which is necessary for marriage, for most of these women is still complicated. They have more need to keep their privacy, engage in something of their own, meet their girlfriends, form those zones and areas in which men simply do not have access. ” In other words, a married lover will not put on a hysterics if you are going to a bar with girlfriends and will not read lectures about your new hobby – unless SMC-k will send a sad one until your wife sees it.
Parting and rough correspondence lead to bright and unforgettable meetings, to which both lovers are carefully prepared. Such visits are different from the conjugal weekdays as Sunday from Monday. “A woman may seem that she would like to reform the relationship, to create a marriage with a man who is married to another. But we, experts, very often come across the fact that the desire is not entirely sincere.
She is satisfied with this format of relations, where the meetings take place according to the festive scenario, in which case the level of responsibility is much lower than in marriage, “
says Igor Lyakh. According to him, at the end of the last century there was even such a tendency that the wives envied mistresses, and some of the women, while married, sought lovers for themselves precisely because of the festive relations.
However, there is a curious detail here. A man who met his mistress in order to realize what he lacked in marriage (“festive sex”, joint trips somewhere), at the conclusion of marriage with her, may encounter the fact that all this in large doses loses its attractiveness and romanticism. The desire to “extend the weekend” is for everyone, but we perfectly understand that in this case they will quickly lose their value.
Thus, those who are lucky with other people’s husbands are simply not ready for a serious relationship. “To put it briefly, there are two reasons for this: the initial unavailability for marriage and the choice of the wrong man, and then the love and concentration peculiar to it, fixation on one object,” summarizes Arina Podchasova. “A typical double mistake, like in tennis.”
Quit the bride
Such relations can last indefinitely, and no attempts to shame and advice “to finish with this business”, which will be poured from the side, will not help here. Expectations that he “will understand everything and come” are often unjustified, and this is connected not only with a concrete man, but also with social processes in general. “There was a period when men very often left families for love relations, but recently the situation changed, because the very structure of marriage is changing,” says Igor Lyakh.
Nevertheless, there is also good news – a painful romance without a future can become a fertile ground for further relations. “It’s not always, but quite often, as a result of the difficult complication of the novel with the” zhenatik “, many women grow up, grow spiritually, really learn to love, understand what they want in the relationship, and what they do not need,” says Arina Podchasova. – And many people come out of this life situation in fact “ready-made brides” to meet a person with whom it is worthwhile to create a family and give birth to children. ”