Psychics call this the crown of celibacy, acquaintances and neighbors are destiny, evil tongues claim that “it’s your own fault”. When the fifth man of one woman turns out to be an alcoholic or leaves for her friend, it’s just right to believe both psychics and neighbors at the same time.
After all, how else to explain the fact that every time she chooses a man with the same problem, because of which he eventually parted.
But psychologists believe that in such a story one scenario is always quite understandable reasons, figuring out which, you can shoot a completely different movie. How to do it, the correspondent of SE
“Groundhog Day”
Experiencing another gap, we consoled ourselves that the next man on our journey will necessarily be a prince who will love, appreciate and, of course, will be completely different from his predecessors. A woman so wants that the new chosen one was unlike the others, because with those, others, she did not find happiness, but she really wants happiness.
And she is looking no longer for a blue-eyed blonde, but for a brown-eyed wench, not a regular party, but for a Ph. D. , and that instead of a cat he has a hamster. He finds and rejoices: he is “completely different! ”. But after a while it turns out that the candidate of science, just like the party frequenter, is afraid of responsibility, does not know how to finish what he has started or solves problems with the help of alcohol. And before the brown-haired man and the blond were two redheads and one bald,
“Most women who turn to a psychologist about relationships with men, voice the problem of” the same rake “- says the director of the center” Harmony “psychotherapist Nikita Lozin. “Everyone is affected, just someone does not experience any problems, someone does not notice or does not want to notice for the time being. ”
Why everyone? Because the main reason experts believe the influence of the family and especially the father’s personality on how the relationship between the girl and men will develop throughout her life. “Regardless of how the relationship developed with the father – was the pope ideal, or, conversely, the woman always chooses a man who looks like him,” said Tatyana Koroleva, a psychotherapist at the Insight clinic. “Moreover, she will repeat the fate of all women in her family. ”
Absorbing in itself everything that happens in the family, the girl from the childhood subconsciously wants to be involved in her family, so as not to feel abandoned, stranger. She will repeat the behavior of her mother, as she repeated her actions. ”
Theater of one actor
According to the director of the Center for Psychological Assistance “Amalthea”, Ph. D. Yevgenia Alexandrova, the first beloved woman, usually turns out to be either an exact copy of her father, or vice versa, the complete opposite, a protest – in the event that the relationship with him developed poorly. Then she will try to find in men something that was not in the father, to find out with them those problems that she did not find out with him. “A girl knows how to behave with such a person, because she saw how the mother did it,” says Evgeni Alexandrov. “When she finally understands that this man will not love her, like Dad, that he is not his copy, the girl part with him and looks for another. But she knows only one model of behavior with a man, and therefore subconsciously again choose the same. ”
The father’s personality is the main factor that influences the development of relations with men, but there are others.
“Often a girl likes in men some one quality, usually inherent in problematic men. For example, courage, desperation from bullies, – says the doctor. “She chooses such men, forgetting that she will not have to live with courage, but with a man in general. ”But the reason for himself can not explain. ”
Other girls like to feel like heroines. Their favorite fairy tale is “The Scarlet Flower”, where the beauty transforms the monster into a prince with her love. Such a woman Rambo will always look for a man with problems to save him. But miracles, as you know, do not happen.
Another category of women exposed to this phenomenon are female victims. Suffering for them is a kind of dope. Taking agony from a man, they experience an inexplicable subconscious delight, feeling unhappy, having reasons to regret themselves and complain to others. Therefore, they invariably change one tormentor to another.
“In such a situation, changing something for a woman means changing the model of behavior to which she is accustomed, but she does not know the other, and it’s easier not to resist,” says Nikita Lyozin.
New take
Nevertheless, you can change. “If a woman experiences discomfort, it’s bad, then you should try to change something,” says Tatyana Koroleva. “But it also happens that a woman is happy that each of her men is a copy of her ideal dad, whom she loves and admires. She is lucky, she does not have any problems, so she does not need to worry about the similarity of partners. ”
This problem is felt by a woman usually at the age of 30-35, when she has no more strength to endure. According to Yevgeny Aleksandrov, a specialist is treated in the most extreme case, when he does not manage to understand the problem independently. But if everything is not too bad, you can try. “After all, the psychologist will ask questions about what prevents you from being happy, which is so attractive in these men. Try to think about this, determine what exactly caused the break with each elect. And then you just need to take a closer look at your choice, – says Evgeny Olegovich.
Before you enter into any relationship, take a closer look, note all the little things, because they reveal a personality. ”
For example, in a cafe you can pay attention to how a man treats a waitress: if he is the courtesy with you, but in a boorish talk with the attendants of the establishment, then this is an occasion to ponder. Sometimes, according to Yevgeny Aleksandrov, you can go on provocation. “For example, to determine the relationship of a man with alcohol is not so difficult: if at a feast he after two glasses falls asleep in a salad, he, most likely, drinks a little and rarely. If he refuses to drink, it can alert – maybe he does not want to open the cards ahead of time – or rather, his dependence. ”
When alone it is not possible to solve the problem, some go to the fortune-teller, confident that this is a corruption or a crown of celibacy. More serious ladies turn to a psychologist. “There is a system, each screw is working properly, but the result does not suit,” says Evgeni Aleksandrov. “Then, according to the law of physics, we need outside influence, which is what the psychologist is doing. ”
To psychology, as to magic, you can treat differently: to trust or to consider as nonsense. It is not necessary to sit down for deep introspection and to reveal the patterns in how relationships develop with men. Especially if they add up well. But if you look from time to time the same series is fed up, then it makes sense not to write off everything to fate, but try to change something. In fact, unlike the cinema, our possibilities are almost unlimited.
