About how red girls and good fellows first turn into zakes and seals, and then transformed into pigs and goats, they do not write in fairy tales. But such examples are often found in life during family quarrels. For example, wife N, two years ago proudly showing wedding photos in all sorts of sources, is now confident that her husband is a representative of horned cloven-hoofed animals. He, in turn, meets her reciprocity with his inherent stubbornness. The fact that hides behind the usual family quarrel, the correspondent learned SHE.
Folk wisdom is a wonderful thing, until it comes to practice. Many people do not even know that they do not scold, but only play themselves. It is difficult to imagine a mentally healthy person who enjoys daily quarrels with his spouse in the kitchen, in the bedroom or in any other place not designated for this purpose. Nevertheless, psychologists are unanimous about the positive impact of the conflict on relations. “Conflict is a way of developing the system. A pair is a system consisting of two people. And each of these two has its own needs, its own ideas about the world. Ways to meet the needs of each person are as individual as fingerprints, “says the founder of the Institute of Counseling, psychologist Alena Sagadeeva. Thus, quarrels provide an opportunity to improve the situation and reach a new level,
There is an opinion
It would seem that in our life there are so many serious sources of stress – why are such trifles, such as a dirty dish in the sink or an extra bottle of beer, a reason for family quarrels? According to a survey conducted at SHE, for most of our readers it is household issues that become a stumbling block. “Life is first and foremost a division of responsibility,” says the director of the Psychological Center “Lad” Alexander Zhukov, “and here work stereotypes: what a woman should do and what a man should do.” The level of modern development, emancipation has led to the fact that a woman, too, turns out to have the right to earn money and be a leader. “
The struggle for the title of master in a house that controls all spheres of activity is a frequent phenomenon, but not every woman is able to realize that petty disputes are only a manifestation of the inability to take care of oneself.
“If a person, having lived to adulthood, is not accustomed to take care of himself and do it with pleasure, then there are expectations that someone will do it for him. He will earn money, wash dishes, take a walk with a dog, cuts the truth of the uterus Alain Sagadeev. – The desire to do something for another disinterestedly appears only at the mature stages of personality development, to which many simply do not live. Usually relationships are something of a commodity exchange type. You give me money – I give you borsch. You to me sex, I to you caress “.
It is important how you feel about household chores. Psychologists recommend to approach any process creatively, it is more effective than regretting oneself and blaming others. “Since there is still life, you can make it out of it … but at least spiritual practice! – offers Alain Sagadeeva. “For example, do not just wash the floor, but cleanse your family space, in particular, from all sorts of rubbish.” And after that, see what your partner brings to this clean space. And whether this is what you need – and if not, does your partner know about it. And if he does, but still does not bring it, then why do you consider him “his”? “.
What will, what is bondage
Indifference from the partner – the second most popular answer to the question of the causes of conflict. “Do you like it?” – with a hope in her voice asks the woman, showing a new thing. “Tasty?” – Does not stand up silent masculine chewing. “Do you love me?” Is just a cry of despair. “A woman is waiting for the man’s emotional reaction to her,” Alexander Zhukov explains. “And she is waiting for this constantly for a number of personal, female features.” If this reaction is not present, inquisitive female minds begin to search for the answer to a question and, as a rule, come to sad conclusions. In fact, the range of answers is very wide and depends on the particular man. “But most of the time it’s elementary fatigue. The man himself is less talkative, he conceals thoughts and feelings in himself and from this overloads his psyche, especially if at work he is in a rigid frame. He needs to neutralize it somehow – and then they expect something from him at home! There comes apathy, when all emotions are blocked, “Alexander Zhukov intercedes for men.
According to Alena Sagadeyeva, one who requires attention, usually does not know how and does not like to take care of himself and waits for someone else to do it for him: “At the same time, suggestions to take care of oneself are perceived as insult on their own.
But then it is important to understand who you want to see next to you – a partner in love and affairs or an nurse? “.
The one who shows indifference and refuses attention, as a rule, suffers from the inability to feel and accept the emotional world – his and his partner. The reasons, as usual, are associated with psychological trauma, received from parents in the process of education. “Quarrels due to indifference, lack of attention are conflicts, during which people can learn more healthy relationships,” says Alain Sagadeeva. – The mood of both for cooperation is important. The main obstacle here is the fear of dependence and what is called distrust of the sexes. ”
Punishment by the ruble
Money takes an honorable third place – because of lack of funds or lack of an overall strategy for their distribution, there are many quarrels. “Money is one way to control and manipulate another person. More often because of money quarrels couples where one of spouses financially depends on another “, – the psychologist Natalia Mazalova tells. The second option is the discrepancy of beliefs. If a man is convinced that regardless of his salary, the head of the family – he, and the woman is rapidly making a career and her behavior is changing, there is an occasion for conflicts. “This contradicts his convictions, he feels defeated, humiliated. Sooner or later, the internal conflict will move to the external environment, – said Alexander Zhukov. – Here the question in the relationship – if before, he consulted with him, he felt his importance and need. And suddenly they began to be neglected.
Money is not the factor that determines who is more important, who is more important in the family, is an illusion. ”
The third variant of money disputes is the situation when a woman does not like the income level of a man. “A woman wants to live beyond her means. In this case, she does not have an adequate assessment of the situation. If she loves a man, she will put off her desires and ambitions and try to help him, – believes Alexander Zhukov. – If she initially lacked a sense of reality, then why surprise? “.
The formula for the successful resolution of any conflict, in the opinion of Alena Sagadeeva, is extremely simple: to shift the focus of attention from the question “who is to blame?” To the question “how can we agree and maintain relations?”.