I love the movie “When Harry Met Sally” for two reasons. First, it debunks the myth of the possibility of friendship between a man and a woman – albeit insulting, but true.
And, secondly, it is in this film that the main character, in front of the astonished visitors of the cafe, enchantingly proves her then friend that: a) a woman is capable of very likely to feign orgasm and b) a man is unable to distinguish an orgasm true from a theatrical. At the same time, it simply makes sounds. It looks pretty convincing. Why women feign orgasm and what it can lead to, learned the correspondent of SE.
If this article is read by men, I have bad news for you. The scale of the above problem is quite large. According to a study conducted by the public opinion service One-Poll, every fourth woman pretends to be in bed.
Generally, men, barely hearing about the female simulation of orgasm, usually squeamishly spit and become desperate truth-seekers. Then they come up with a seditious thought: what if they are deceived? It is for this reason that the forums have a large number of male topics on the topic “find 10 differences”.
But before you look for them, a few words about the female orgasm. This is for men, he is one – an orgasm and an orgasm. In women, it can be of two types: clitoral and vaginal. According to the director of the Center for Medical Sexology and Psychotherapist Igor Poperechny, the clitoral, as well as the male, orgasm is obtained by a reflex path, in contrast to the vaginal: “Vaginal orgasm is a deep recoil of the soul. In the old days in France, orgasm was called “la petit moor” – a small death. That is, during this orgasm, a woman dies psychologically and regenerates anew. ”It is to this “little death” that women seek and that it is actively feigned.
Refuse to orgasm
If you ask the women themselves why they pretend to be good, they will say something like, “I’m tired,” “I’m sick of it,” “I was hurt. ” However, psychologists believe that these words are just a cover, behind which there is a serious problem – the rejection of their female position.
Reason 1. Refusal of the female condition. “Such a woman has a negative attitude towards herself, because she, as it were, allows herself not to experience these feelings. That is, first of all she punishes herself, – says Igor Poperechny. “This is a deep psychological state, which clearly indicates that a woman does not accept herself as a woman. ”
At the same time, the sexologist notices, there is a paradox – this affliction is especially affected by very nice women, attracting the attention of men.
At the same time, there is a profound denial of the feminine essence, a reluctance to completely dissolve in a partner. “And this is a purely competitive position, therefore such women in the majority experience clitoral orgasm, and vaginal orgasm pretend. ”
Reason 2. The fear of disappointing and losing a partner. What will you do if you get a bauble on the day of birth, which has no practical or aesthetic value? Dull your eyes and say that you absolutely do not like it? Hardly. Rather, with a strained smile, thank you – a man was looking for, buying, trying. It’s the same in bed. The man is also trying, sometimes even more than that loser-donor. Being afraid to disappoint and lose it, a woman can pretend that she is better than she really is. “Lack of knowledge and qualitative experience in this field, plus the fear that this man will leave, but the best will not be … Simulating, the woman retains the appearance of well-being and thus maintains relations,” explains psychologist, founder of the Institute of Counseling Alain Sagadeeva.
Reason 3. Negative towards the partner. In this case, the woman again takes a competitive position and gets satisfaction from the fact that so easily traces his man around the finger. It is difficult to talk about the establishment of lasting close relations.
The role of the partner
Despite the psychological problems of the simulating woman, her partner also has a role in this sad performance. First of all, the role of an inattentive partner – who does not feel a woman and does not understand what is happening to her, focusing on her feelings.
Female orgasm for a man is evidence of his sexual worth, closely related to his self-esteem.
“If in adolescence, men attach great importance to the size of the genital organ, then in a more mature age a desire develops to evoke a pleasant sensation in the woman,” says Igor Poperechny. At the same time, a man can easily frighten off a “small death” by an insulting word or inattention to a woman. “Men do not usually view their behavior as a provocation, removing a partner from orgasm,” comments Alain Sagadeeva. – Instead, a man tries to do something special in bed, suggesting that this is the only way that is important. And if there is no orgasm, for him it is an indicator that he is a bad lover. ”
Lies for good?
We will leave the harm and benefit of lies for discussion to the bearded philosophers. However, feigned moans can serve not only as an alarming symptom, but also the beginning of the end of relationships. “Long simulations are a dead end road. This is the beginning of the destruction of relations, – says Alain Sagadeeva. “It’s not even about parting, it’s about losing sincerity. ” If there is pretense, and in the intimate sphere, this at best leads to a loss of interest in the partner. ” In this case, do not underestimate the partner – according to Ms. Sagadeeva, often a man is simply afraid of the consequences of such an opening. The woman becomes less and less happy, and soon the man refuses from useless attempts to help her.
Also, the lack of orgasm in a woman’s life adversely affects her health. “Only thanks to the psychological component after orgasm is discharging the vessels of the small pelvis from excessive blood filling. And with the simulation of orgasm this component remains, “- says Igor Poperechny. Thus, stagnant phenomena occur and gynecological problems appear.
What to do?
If there is no orgasm, and a man is important and loved, psychologists agree that it is necessary to admit in any case. “The conversation is made in the same way as it is done when there is preparation, for example, for the New Year,” recommends Alain Sagadeeva. – Who, what for, what and how does it, how to do something more efficiently, what to refuse, why, etc.
If you do not include in the conversation an element of tragedy, even in the absence of orgasm, the sexual life of partners can become a source of joy, a zone of joint research, a basis for mutual trust. ”
Those who are already pretending do not need to make sharp movements. “In many cases, men go to check themselves on the side. After all, it is primarily a reproach to their condition, – says Igor Poperechny. “There is a very tough position that women turn into women whom men make of them. ”So instead of tearful confessions, understand for yourself what you want, and start talking about this with your partner. “Gradual replacement of simulating behavior by more natural can quite prove to be the solution to the problem,” says Alain Sagadeeva, with the proviso that in each pair this issue can and should be solved in its own way.
Deception is not the best means of solving problems, and self-deception is even more so. It’s one thing – portraying pleasure, poke a friend in a cafe, and the other – to turn a lifetime into a performance.
