We are waiting for changes
Whatever they say, the very notion of a family implies having children. According to the psychologist, the founder of the Institute of Counseling Alena Sagadeeva, the birth of a child is first and foremost an opportunity to leave offspring and continue their kind, and the desire is so archaic that it is not described by the modern social language. However, if a child becomes a favorite for a woman, when only a cloudy divorce is visible on the ultrasound, then the man’s perception of paternity comes much later. According to the psychologist, director of the “Harmony” center Nikita Lozin, in most cases, the closeness to the child is more characteristic of women, for men it is more important to realize that he has become a father.
Who of the women, stroking his rounded stomach, did not imagine idyllic pictures from the cycle “Mom, Dad and I”? Everyone understands that with the advent of the baby, life will change, but very few people, to what extent and in what direction. Nevertheless, the appearance of a new member of the family introduces distemper into a measured life without a child. “Mom, as a creature closer and necessary to the child at first, is constantly in demand by the child and is incapable of active social activity without harm to him,” Alain Sagadeeva notes. –
At the same time, the man discovers that the attention and loving attitude to which he is accustomed, including scandals, joint trips somewhere, quiet evenings for two or violent sex, has disappeared somewhere.
Now the whole flow of love is directed not at him, but at a small, eternally demanding creature, in which it is not so easy to discover a resemblance to oneself. ” Thus, the child becomes a kind of test for strength, a stressful factor, in which all the existing problems are exacerbated.
Acceptance on retention
Closing your eyes to your own loneliness and the presence of a completely different person, women sometimes gravely gather the little that binds her and the man whom she once married. As a rule, these are common children and common property. And often the last component plays not the last role. “If you look from practice, women who are independent do not cling to a man in this case. From the divorce, first of all, economic dependence “, – considers Nikita Lozin.
If we return to a child who is more important and more expensive than money, then, according to the women themselves, the only reason they agree to endure much from a man is the fear of the child, the reluctance to leave him without a father. “Women are trying to save an unsuccessful marriage solely out of fear, no matter how beautiful words are spoken about it,” Alena Sagadeeva soberes. –
Fear is based on the inability to rely on oneself. Women are not so much afraid of a father’s absence from a child, as there is a lack of help and support at home. “
According to her, women’s fears are connected with what their mothers and dads tell them, whose words spoken in a rush are stuck and pretty spoil the lives of girls who have already grown up. For example, if a woman was told in her childhood that she was not capable of anything, she would blame herself for everything, including problems with her husband and unsuccessful marriage, and could devote her whole life to proof that she was worth something .
Between duty and freedom
Of course, in nature there are male individuals who do not care about the continuation of the genus and what will happen to their offspring. But those fathers who not only participated in the process of conception, but are also willing to take care of the child, find themselves between a hammer and an anvil. On the one hand, they want to be with their children, and on the other – they do not want to be with their mother. “For men, the choice is between freedom and duty. And he has to choose between the happy free life he dreamed of, and his attitude toward himself as a decent person. In any case, this is a blow to self-esteem for a lifetime, “- says Alena Sagadeeva.
According to her, the man left in the family for the sake of the child is a delayed-action mine. He feels himself not free, and not of his own free will. Predict which way the man will choose to be released is impossible: “Sometimes it’s alcoholism-drug addiction, sometimes – beating scandals, sometimes suicide or mistresses.
Those who manage to adapt, find the benefits of such coexistence, including hiking on the side. Such a family is only a formal unit of society, and it is unlikely that it will be able to teach a child the right, not twisted hypocrisy, relations.
All for the sake of children
It will not only be the parents who sacrificed themselves that will disentangle the consequences of marriage for the sake of children. According to psychologists, the child feels that the parents are unhappy because of him, and feels guilty, even without understanding the cause. This load remains with a person throughout life. In addition, looking at the parents’ family, the child learns to build relationships. “He does not have the opportunity to learn true love relationships, does not believe in the opportunity for himself to be happy. With full certainty, we can say that preserving the family for the sake of the child leads to depriving him of the opportunity to be happy, – believes Alain Sagadeeva. – A person who has grown up in such an atmosphere will face life, injustice, unfreedom, lack of respect, that is, to carry the trace of his family in his life. Should I save it for this? “.
Those who do not yet have children, but who are already frightened by not the most pleasant prospect of keeping a man in order not to replenish the sad statistics of divorce, psychologists recommend literally “marshalling” the child until the relationship improves. Discussing every little thing, including future actions, actions and methods of upbringing, you can get to know each other better and understand whether this is really the person you want children from. “If what you managed to learn gives a good reason for optimism,” says Alain Sagadeeva, “you can start building a space filled with love, care and trust. In another space, children do not become happy. ”