When you live in a small town, it’s almost as if you’re spending your day in a fishbowl and/or the world of The Truman Show. Everybody’s always watching everyone else, and the smallest pieces of gossip become the story of the day.
Which is what makes this AskReddit thread of the biggest thing going on in your small town today, so fucking hilarious.
I hoping to retire in a small town, so I can know what everyone else is doing.
A house is going up for sale and we are all trying to predict who will buy it. – u/JustAHumbleHashBrown
We have a phantom dog-shit-leaving bandit around the village, appeals to name and shame the perpetrator gets requested in the village newsletter every month. Even offering a measly cash reward.
I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s had a mention in every newsletter for the past 2 years.. sometimes I’m genuinely tempted to anonymously email the writer claiming to be the dog shit bandit and leave obscure clues. Makes life in the country a little more interesting. – u/doswankos
Town of 762 people, 0 stop lights, kids from town go to school in a small city about 20 miles away. Bus driver lives in town and parks the bus at her house for the school year. This practice saved her the cost of driving to and from town every school day to get/return the bus, and saved the school district the cost of her driving an empty bus to town and back every day as well.
Everyone was happy about the situation until someone on the city council decided that the fairly new, well taken care of bus being parked in her driveway was lowering the value of his home down the street. Disguised as an effort to stop people from living in RV’s parked in driveways and backyards, he rushed through a Large Vehicle Ordinance that forbid the parking of such vehicles at homes inside city limits.
The resulting uproar created a mushroom cloud. – u/billified
There are 50 people in my town. Biggest news is that someone saw a Ferrari at the gas station the other day. – u/valen961
Local fall festival features turtle races. Local box turtles are very specific to their small area and don’t thrive when removed from that area. Rebels want turtle races replaced with something that isn’t slow turtle murder.
Festival organizers are aghast at the suggestion to change a cherished tradition.
Turtle vote has not been requested. – u/AlteregoCate59
Live Auction Group
A section of the main road (cleverly named Main Street) is closed off for construction, leading many cars to cut through our quiet neighborhood looking for a detour. Neighbors were angry about the “unfamiliar speeding cars” so they had HOA put comically large signs on 2×4’s in the middle of the road at entrances of our neighborhood saying no thru traffic permitted. They were recently stolen overnight and everyone is LOSING THEIR MINDS. You’d think there is a serial killer on the loose. They called the state police and then put out new signs that are even bigger. – u/sourpatchkimboslice
Girl from HS is pregnant with her third kid when she lost custody of her other two- she’s due this week and posts every detail about her life on fb so the town is excited to see what new drama comes up. – u/dietlemontv
Big news from the last week: the farmer’s market is reducing the number of hours it is open each week (since it’s getting colder), there is a car show coming up, and they re-timed a couple of traffic lights.
It’s all anyone talks about. – u/dr239
Someone went round the village and keyed dicks on to everyone’s car bonnets and doors last night.
UPDATE : it’s not just dicks, went outside before and the sun was shining on the car bonnet of next doors car and it looked like someone had put diamantes on the car bonnet spelling the word CUNT, but the word is just glistening more because it scratched and reflecting off the sun. – u/leoarw
We’re getting a Wendy’s and Pizza Hut so that’s pretty exciting because I love both of them and I’ll be glad when I won’t have to drive 30 mins to the nearest one. – u/Jake167
Our sheriff was on the local news talking about the dangers of grass clippings being shot out onto the roadway. apparently it’s such an epidemic that a news crew came 40+ miles to to cover it. – u/beefytits2
We have like this one dumbass that started stealing stuff from peoples garages. Since he’s like even the only one with a criminal record in town every victim just goes up to his mother to get their things back. This happened 3 times now and i don’t think he has any intention of stopping – u/secretanimealt
There’s a new gas station being built, so now my hometown will have TWO! And they’re right across the road from each other! – u/RogueXombie85
That the annual arts festival has moved venues and it’s ‘nowhere near as good as the old venue’ and ‘not what it used to be.’ – u/LilLido
Town of 300, give or take.
The post office got taken over by completely new management and nobody gets their mail anymore. I get my neighbour’s mail, my family’s mail, that dick down the road’s mail, and even mail for people several towns away. But hell if I’ve received a single piece of my own mail in the past 2 months.
It would be a comical sitcom bit if it wasn’t so frustrating. – u/ghostly_kitten
Current news is that we are approaching the anniversary of “the great 15mph tractor/police chase of 09” and someone wants to hold a reenactment. – u/Nkechinyerembi
Brother lives in a town of about 200. Biggest gossip is one of the most respected family’s in the town missed church 2 weeks in a row, the town creep is finally being recognized as a creep, the town’s ‘coworkers turned competitors’ are causing a lot of drama, speculation that my brother is gay, and if the only mom of one in town is finally going to chill out now that she’s about to have another. Normal village gossip. – u/deleted
During the annual Labor Day fair, at night the carnies wandered into town and vandalized/loitered/creeped out the locals. Town hall is being held to vote on more police presence next year. – u/dipdipbeantot