Interview with the president of the school of adoptive parents about the most common problems and fears associated with adoption

The number of women diagnosed with “infertility” is growing in direct proportion to the amount of social advertising reporting that other people’s children do not exist. It would seem that these two quantities can and should level each other, but this does not happen.Adoption scares women far more than painful medical procedures and even their cost. The president of the public organization and the free school of adopters “Day of the Stork” Yevgeny Solovyov is sure that in many ways fear is associated with a large number of myths that surround the procedure for adoption. Eugene herself brings up five children, two of whom are adopted, and does not consider that every person should have a child. Evgenia told the SHE correspondent about what her future parents are afraid of and how to determine her readiness for adoption. 

Reference:Eugene Solovyov, has two higher educations, brings up five children. Since 2005, the president of the public organization of the adoptive parents “Day of the Stork”, co-trainer in the school of adoptive parents. Since 2007 she was an adviser to the Governor of the NSO VA. Tolokonsky. 

Your organization deals with adoption issues. How does it differ from other forms of child placement in the family?

There are many legal aspects that make up the difference between guardianship, custody and adoption. But the main difference lies in the fact that when registering guardianship or trusteeship the child is admitted to the family as a pupil, his tutors receive money for this. And adoption is the same as birth, just a child appears in the family in an unusual way. The child becomes a native, he joins the family, receives his surname. In the 21st century there are different alternative ways of children’s appearance: IVF, surrogate motherhood. Adoption is one such way. 

What couples in our city most often think about adoption?

The statistics here are completely uninteresting, because it is not. They are very different people, of very different ages. The youngest couple in our school was 22-23 years, the oldest – 53-54. Those who do not have children, and those who already have them, also apply. There are infertile couples, but there are those who simply do not want to wait. A quarter of the school’s students are single women. 

After passing the school, people, as a rule, remain firm in their intentions?

One-third of students absolutely do not adopt a child at once. But that does not mean that they will never do it. For example, one couple who went to school a year ago yesterday came to us with a baby. People took a year to make this idea. In our practice, there were cases when people came with a verdict of doctors about infertility, and after some time after passing the school they had their own child. 

What most often stops those who refuse?

Just people understand that they really do not want to adopt a child, that their motivation was insufficient. And it’s good, because it’s important that those who really want children adopt. I do not believe that everyone should have children. If Maya Plisetskaya had children, maybe we would not have had a great ballerina. Having a child is not a tick, not an indicator of success. 

How to determine how correct or sufficient motivation is? 

“I’m already 30 years old, and I do not have any children,” “I must give the heir to a man,” “who will give me a glass of water in old age,” “I want to save the world, fight evil”, “I saw an advertisement, and I became sorry “,” this child is like me as a child “- these are all bad motivations that do not last long.

The appearance of children varies, pity passes, all evil in the world can not be overcome. The best motivation is I want and can have a child. I need to understand why I want a child, why do I want to be a parent? “I understand that I am ready to love a child with all its pluses and minuses, and most importantly, forever” is the best motive. 

One of the most difficult stages on the way to adoption is the collection of documents and the passage of commissions. Is this really so? 

People perceive this as a problem because they are afraid of evaluation. Sometimes a person does not go for a medical examination for a long time, fearing that they will find something. Here the same thing happens: a person is afraid of evaluation, that on some point he will be “unfit.”

In fact, there is nothing easier than adopting a child, if you are not a homeless person, you have the most common income, housing (not necessarily in the property) and work. All. 

Even in a marriage, it does not have to be for this. In addition, in Russia for citizens of the country, adoption is absolutely free. When a person tunes that collecting documents is the main problem, he distracts himself from real difficulties and what one really needs to think about when adopting a child.

Many are afraid of health problems and genetics of the adopted child, they want some guarantees … The

guarantee for health and genetic predispositions of the adopted child can never be obtained, just as you can not get it at the birth of your children. Gross violations and pathologies in the child can be seen immediately, but people want to insure themselves from everything. As a rule, in such institutions, children are overdiagnosed, they are given such tests that not all mothers do to their babies. Of course, due to the unsuitable way of life for young children, when ten in one room and they are courted by two people, most of the children have weakened immunity. But on the other hand, these are very strong children.

I will say a cruel phrase, but they underwent a natural rejection: in fact, in the conditions of nature, the child, from whom the mother refused, dies – nobody feeds him, nobody cares about him. 

Therefore, those who survived, vitality is an order of magnitude higher, and the chances of being healthy and successful in the future are also higher. 

This is another question that scares the adoption: what if the child once asked a question about his real parents?

One of the principles of our school is the disclosure of the secret of adoption to the child. This is what our Italian colleagues taught us: a child in the soul knows and understands everything, including how he came to this family. He always knows that he is a little different, and if he does not explain to the child what exactly, he will explain himself, and most likely, will do it wrong. The child has the right to his story, the truth. With the right attitude and approach to this topic, it will help the child grow into a happy adult. On the child’s question about what his biological parents were, one should answer: “They were good enough to give birth to such a wonderful you.”