Husband for an hour

Guest marriage promotes career growth and self-realization, but it does not have a positive impact on children

The desire to develop, change, and not stop at what has been achieved leads a person not only to great inventions in the field of science. Tired of all the known problems of traditional marriage, mankind began to invent new forms – to which the marriage of the guest belongs. Separate residence automatically removes household issues – from “who washes the dishes?” To “where do the money go?” While maintaining the novelty and the active interest of the spouses to each other. How long are such relationships, what are the pros and cons of them, the SHE correspondent learned from specialists. 

Well forgotten old
“Guest marriage is a marriage executed in the relevant state authorities, in which the spouses live separately and do not have a common household,” Wikipedia informs those who did not yet know. From ourselves we add that the marriage of the day off is sometimes deprived of the only condition that justifies the very name “marriage” – namely, a stamp. Partners just periodically visit each other, spend time together, have sex and other pleasant things, and then – leave. Everyone has a sphere of their interests, and most importantly freedom. If you want – you can breed guinea pigs in unlimited quantity, if you want – you can not say a word in old pajamas in an embrace with a teddy bear. About that, where the elect keeps dirty clothes and how he looks the next morning after drinking with friends, the woman has no idea. Remember, as in a children’s game – when you feel that you are catching up, you can quickly cross your arms: “I’m in the house.” And everyone in his.

“Guest marriage is not something fundamentally new,” comments Natalia Churkina, associate professor of the social work department at the NSTU. – Such relationships can be found in history (military campaigns, professional self-realization). Most often the guest was a man, as he had unlimited opportunities to realize himself outside the home, and a woman with children had to wait for the “eternal wanderer”. According to the sociologist, the marriage of the day off appeared as a result of changes in social values ​​and crisis processes in the area of ​​family and marriage. 

“In the modern society there is an extension of the process of socialization, that is, most of the life of a person is forced to study, improve his qualifications, re-learn, etc.,  Natalia Churkina continues. Thus, the desire for freedom and self-realization greatly reduces the time that is devoted to communication within the family. 

Where are you running? 
Not everyone expects from the family life of daily holidays – it happens that an unsuccessful marriage or a bad relationship in a family of parents changes the perception of marriage to a sharply negative. Such people do not expect anything good from family life and are afraid of it as a fire. “When we are planning a close relationship, we become more emotionally vulnerable and dependent on the person with whom we want to live together,” commented Tatyana Skritskaya, a psychologist at the Novosibirsk Perinatal Center. “If I say to myself and others: I want to come, I do not want to come,” then the fear of close relations and emotional dependence is significantly reduced. “

However, the transition to a guest relationship can also force living conditions: for example, the lack of co-habitation (each lives with parents) or features of professional activities (artists’ tours, regional managers). “If so, then it is necessary to wait out this situation with the least losses,” says Natalia Churkina. “But if the guest marriage is an attempt to get away from the problems in the relationship, then the forecast is usually unfavorable.” 

Plus to minus
Despite the existence of different forms of marriage, society is wary of what goes beyond “mom, dad and child”, so spouses who live each in their apartment often cause the surrounding people to misunderstand and desire to explain that everything is not as it should be . Why do couples go to such a step? “The main advantage is that these relationships may not be too important, therefore they are safer than other forms of living together,” explains Tatiana Skritskaya. “They provide an opportunity to feel themselves not alone and yet not to have serious obligations to each other.” And yet, the psychologist points out, if the relationship is significant, then one of the parties will necessarily express a desire to return to the origins – to the traditional form of marriage. It is not at all necessary that it be a woman, it will be the one who is more interested in the relationship.

In addition to security, according to Natalia Churkina, guest marriage allows you to preserve the novelty of the relationship, overcome the domestic incompatibility and avoid the numerous quarrels that would necessarily arise in the case of cohabitation. 

Despite the fact that every meeting of guest spouses turns into a honeymoon, the family of the new format is deprived of the traditional joys inherent in marriage in the usual sense. In addition to a measured life, it is emotional stability and confidence in a partner. 

“Guest marriage can be realized only in physically healthy, financially secured and socially successful people who are basically self-sufficient and do not need mutual support,  believes Natalia Churkina. – In addition, it generates negative emotional experiences – distrust of a partner, jealousy. As for the compulsory sense of trust in marriage, it is not. “

Children’s question
The most important disadvantage of guest marriages is that it does not presuppose the presence of children, it is convenient for those who do not plan to acquire them. “Anyway, we are connected with the evaluation of our children – in the kindergarten, the school raises questions about the parents. That’s why many make out a relationship during pregnancy, so that the child is born in a registered marriage, “- says Tatiana Skritskaya. According to her, if children do appear, they calmly perceive periodic meetings and parent break-ups on condition of good relations. But this will last until classmates or a neighbor’s neighbor open their eyes to the fact that his family is, to put it mildly, strange, and there are other relationships where parents spend more time together. And then there will be questions, which will be difficult to find answers.

“Guest marriage is bad for children,” says Natalya Churkina, “there is a violation of normal socialization and identification of the child with the parents. In fact, in a guest marriage, the responsibility for children is shifted to the shoulders of a woman, even if the man provides the family with material support. ” 

Back to the Future
What awaits a guest marriage in the future? Will the terrible predictions about the disappearance of the family in the traditional sense come true? “We can not say that guest marriage is the main form of marriage in the future, this form of relationship contradicts the mentality of Russians, for whom marriage is the basis of a family with the compulsory availability of children and family traditions,” says Natalia Churkina. “In conditions of instability of such marriages, there should be less – because when it’s hard for people, they want to be close to someone,” says Tatiana Skritskaya. “Everything depends on stability, both economic and social.”