How to tell a man about your sexual experience, so as not to spoil relations

The most tricky of all the issues that can confound even an adult woman, not to mention a young girl, is the question of the number of her former partners. If a new boyfriend asks about this, it’s completely incomprehensible what to say: the truth can react inappropriately, and the lie is mortally offended. Where is the golden mean in this matter and how to assess the degree of importance of past experience in current relationships, the correspondent of SHE explained. 

Experienced minuses
The importance of experience in sexual relations is a topic of eternal battles. “Actually, sexual life is important at the genetic level, its importance is due to the very instinct of procreation,” says the sexologist of the Insight clinic Igor Lyakh. From the point of view of a sexologist, in a great sexual experience, exactly as in inexperience, there are pluses and minuses.

The benefits of experience, however, are probably more obvious. With experience, a stock of deliberately successful schemes of sexual interaction accumulates. That is, a more experienced partner is always skilfully adapting to any situation in order to obtain a guaranteed pleasure. He knows all the rhythms and combinations, points and positions. He knows how to conduct a dialogue and give pleasure to himself and the other. However, when everything is tried, it often becomes boring. The phenomenon of routine sometimes interrupts all the merits of the experience. An inexperienced person – and especially an inexperienced girl – is almost always fixated on his feelings. 

In the long attempts of self-education (and many even the first orgasm is given only with years of successful practice), often what is lost in sexologists is the most important in sex – contact with a partner and a sense of his feelings, not his,

the ability to make it pleasant to him, rather than fixate on pleasant moments for himself. But bright flashes under the neck “happened” can not be compared then with anything else. 

The problems of the technical plan, as experts are sure, concern men more in matters of sex. Previously, even it was customary to drive young men to a brothel – to gain experience. For girls it is much more important not the technical part, but the developed curiosity: as sexologists explain, the main problem of women in terms of “technology” is a large number of fears and complexes. If they are few, the championship takes curiosity, and the skills are acquired by themselves – over time. “For women, it’s more important not to learn skills on their own, but experience of relationships and interaction with a man,” says Igor Lyakh. 

Ghosts of the former

The question is, how will the new react to the “former”, with whom you “got the skills of interaction”, however, was acute at all times. 

The number of former sexual partners is of equal interest to both men and women. So, a man is more often jealous at the fact of “someone was”: evolutionarily the presence of another partner makes him doubt that a woman will give birth to offspring from him. 

Women are jealous of the quality: “You were better with her than with me.”Women have jealousy for others – this is the fear of losing a man, for men – the fear of losing their own status. 

But one thing is biology, with it, we, adult people, seem to be able to cope. Quite another is the painful and obsessive questions of the half about the “exact number”.

The mechanism is simple: comparing yourself with the virtual ghost of the former is important only for those whose self-confidence is distorted by an inferiority complex. The question of the number of former ones will always arise when the partner in the relationship has something to worry about or does not like. “Partners are not interested in the past, if the present is all right. The fact of interest in this issue already says: something is not right “, – Igor Lyakh advises, in the aggravation of the situation, not to rush between the truth and the holy lie for salvation, but first to answer the question – what exactly went wrong. 

Pioneer rule
An unspoken rule for estimating the amount still exists: the declared number of partners in a woman should ideally be less than that of men. True, it is probably stupid to pretend to be a virgin, but the principle “everyone who is not first – that’s our second” with respect to love mathematics is full of profound meaning.

Krasnoyarsk psychologist Andrei Zberovsky called it the paradox of the split of the male consciousness: in a strange way, a man can look for himself “a virgin who is a sex giant.” 

In words, a man assures me that he likes an experienced young lady. But in fact the vast majority of men want his chosen one to be in this business a complete newcomer (ie a virgin). 

The complexity of the male psyche, however, can be easily circumvented: the “virgin”, which the man chose, should “learn” all the tricks of “great sex” in record time, advises Andrei Zberovsky. Men willingly fall for the bait of those intelligent women who not only hide their sexual experience at first, but also quickly legalize it under the brand of “sincere desire to quickly adapt to the wishes of a loved one.”

That’s exactly what you should not do, it’s too much to say. Excess stories about your love past is completely useless, even if a man is caught with an absolutely healthy self-esteem.