How to learn to say “no” without feeling guilty

Yes, you, of course, take time off from work and sit with your friend’s child while she goes to the movies. Yes, you buy this thing you absolutely do not need from an eloquent distributor. Yes, you will stay until ten in the evening, the boss can safely go home – you will deal with everything. How many times did you want to say “no”? You hate yourself for these “uncomfortable refusal”, “it was awkward” and “well, he asked for it”, but again you agree and can not help it.And the surrounding people happily enjoy your softness in full. How to learn to say “no” without feeling guilt at the same time, learned the correspondent of SE. 

Greetings to parents
Those who are ready to give the last shirt, surrounding in their own way love and appreciate, considering people blessed, but very useful. But even if your case is not as clinical as described above, to give up your interests to please someone else without good reason is rather strange. Nevertheless, “failure-free”, heavily sighing, meet halfway, satisfying other people’s needs, forgetting about their own. Why? The origins of the problem should be looked for in childhood. According to the psychologist, director of the psychological center “Harmony” Nikita Lyozin, these people in childhood were denied the right to be themselves. It is difficult to find parents who would not use manipulation as a way to manage a child. Most often this is manipulation from above, through fear: if you do not clean the toys, I will punish you, but there is also a manipulation from below – through a sense of guilt: you are behaving badly,

“In three years the child has the first crisis of becoming, he begins to be harmful, capricious,” says Evgeny Aleksandrov, a psychologist and director of the Amaltea center. – Then the second crisis in adolescence, when the child has his own interests. 

It all depends on how parents behaved. They suppressed – they got a comfortable child: what you say, then does. And then they got a comfortable person – whatever you say, agrees with everything. ” 

“Our society is based on manipulation,” continues Nikita Lozin, “the habit has been going on since childhood. The way of manipulation is profitable, but strategically it loses. ” Abuse of such mechanisms of influence leads to the fact that a child, and later an adult, tries to avoid any conflicts and goes on about others. 

Internal instead of external
The main thing, for the sake of which “failure-free” throw their business and rush to the rescue, like Chip and Dale, is the desire to be good in other people’s eyes. The habit of encouraging parents and earning approval by obedience and obedience can play a bad service – unlike brave chipmunks, such people do not at all feel like heroes; on the contrary, instead of feeling satisfied, they get suffering and experiences. “A person wants to say” no “, but can not. “No” is more difficult to say even physiologically, there is some resistance. As a result, avoiding an external conflict, a person receives a very powerful internal conflict. That’s how they become neurotic, “explains Evgeni Alexandrov.

Human psychology is so arranged that when, smiling sweetly, we get rid of problems, this service wants to use again and again. If you are still wondering why people are turning to you, and not to other people, the answer is simple – because you never refuse. 

Two ways to solve the problem
If you regularly use, forcing to do something that you really do not want, it’s time to put an end to it. According to psychologist Yevgeny Aleksandrov, there are two ways to combat failure-free operation. 
• Back to the past.Mentally return to childhood and remember a few bright moments when you really wanted to refuse, say “no”, but you were suppressed, forced. Replay this rejection in many ways – the way you wanted to do in the past. A new picture in the collage of children’s impressions will sooner or later appear and will bear fruit in adult life. 
• Here and now. Think about what happens if you say no. It is unlikely that your refusal will provoke natural disasters. There will be only one – an unexpected reaction (after all everyone is accustomed to being a reliable person), you will shock your petitioner, and he, in turn, will try to suppress a sudden “mutiny on the ship”.

“If you survive this situation, the pressure of others will gradually decrease. People will get used to the fact that you can say no, and stop shipping your problems, “says Evgeni Alexandrov. 

And you can combine the first and second methods, thereby you increase the effect and on the spot destroy the malicious manipulators. But there is another question that can lead to confusion: how can I refuse?

• Step 1. Take a pause. If the situation allows, do not give an answer immediately. Tell, for example, what you need to think about and you will call back in five minutes. This will help break out of the habitual situation and assess your desires and opportunities. 

• Step 2. Prioritize. Free time in our hectic life is a rare happiness. Think about what you would like to spend it on and what you will receive in return. This is your time, money or car, you have the right to dispose of them as you see fit. 
• Step 3. Ask yourself:I really want to do this? No one calls you to become a self-centered terry, and refuse to help anyone who comes after her. However, before you agree to lend an evening dress to a girlfriend or do someone else’s work, listen to yourself – do you really need this or do you have to agree for fear of spoiling the relationship? If your answer is “yes” – please the applicant, and if you are inclined to a negative response – it remains to inform about it. 
• Step 4. Explain the reason. Trying to come up with excuses on the move looks stupid and childish. A polite refusal indicating the true reason will repel the desire to press on pity or to be convicted of lies. The main thing is not to bend the stick in straightforwardness.

“The art of a leader is in the ability to refuse. Saying “yes” is very simple, “said former British Prime Minister Tony Blair. It is not necessary to strive to take the place of a leader whom everyone will adore. Being a person who is respected, not used, is also pleasant.