How terrible to live

Four female fears, of which it is not customary to speak out loud

What are women afraid of? Anything – mice, treason or exacerbation of thrush. However, there are fears that can not be worn at work, and sometimes – even to share with friends. They are more serious and bring a lot of unpleasant emotions – from mild anxiety to depression.And sometimes they go so far as to stop living. About that, which is most often afraid of the inhabitants of the megalopolis, where the feet of these fears grow and whether it is possible to fight them, the correspondent of SHE recognized.

Let’s define with concepts. Fear is a protective reaction, which includes two mandatory components: an understanding that there is a specific threat to life, integrity or well-being, and mobilizing the body to overcome or avoid this threat. “What is called fear in everyday life, doctors call a phobia. Phobia is an excessive or unreasonable fear of something real or unreal. The main difference: fear as a reaction helps to live. Fear as a phobia to live interferes “, – explains the psychotherapist of the center” Sibneymore “Igor Pozhidaev. According to him, phobias can arise both on the basis of real events (a dog bitten – now I’m afraid of dogs, I fell on a bicycle – I’m afraid to skate), and on the basis of alleged events. When a girl is scared by an evil uncle who will take her away if she does not eat porridge, it is quite possible she will be afraid of all “uncles” in advance.

Mom, I’m afraid
Of the children’s fears, the roots of many serious worries grow: not only baba and evil uncles come here. “Now you will grow up, your children will be crying,” – many of us have heard similar exhortations from my mother or grandmother … And this, by the way, is the source of such a common fear of young urban careerists, like the fear of having children – they require a lot of responsibility. On the message “try to grow up” formed fears “I’m afraid of growing up,” “I’m afraid to give birth.” The fear of being wrong, which in particular is expressed in fear of being a bad mother, according to the psychotherapist of the center of sanogenic medicine “Eurasia” Lyudmila Yurganova, is found among women more often than others. Igor Pozhidaev, highlighting the causes of fear of becoming a mother, calls three main: the fear of the unknown, the fear of pain during childbirth and, finally, that pregnancy usually means transition from a category of the girl in a category of the woman. With all that it implies. Fear is associated with a reluctance to move into a more adult and responsible category. By the way, with the birth of children there can be a new fear – already for children, their life, health and future, and also fears that the process of education is somehow wrong.

It is believed that the best way to defeat this fear is the birth of more than two children. While the child is the only one, completely get rid of fears for him may not succeed until the appearance of grandchildren. 

I’m sick and unhappy

Who among us is not afraid of flu or fungus in the pool? This fear is quite normal, it is necessary to know: you can not cuddle with sneezing, but you have to take slippers into the pool. However, in some people the knowledge about the existence of diseases and microbes causes the syndrome of the third year of medfak: a person is afraid of any malfunctions, and every tingling seems to him a fatal disease. If this goes too far, there is a fear of illness in general, as well as old age, in which they can not be avoided.

“This is the part of life that ends, although natural, but, anyway, death. If death to old age is something wrong, then in old age is the norm. People are afraid of death and therefore are afraid of everything that ends with death, “- says Igor Pozhidaev. And he adds: fears that rest against death are the most difficult to work with. To overcome these fears, we must “agree” to die, to accept this as a natural fact. But many people find it difficult even to admit to themselves in their fear. The second important condition for victory over the fear of death is the filling of one’s life with an important activity. 

Loneliness in the blood
If you are an introvert, then calmly live through the evening alone behind a book and a cup of cocoa. But even the most secluded ones will rarely say that they can live without people at all, and most will add: it is especially difficult without a close person. And they are looking for: who is the company to go skating, who is a close native person, and someone does not have enough fun and uninhibited girlfriend. One thing is common: everyone is looking for people who can fill their spare time. And often they do not realize that they are doing this because of the fear of being left alone. “Any fear of loneliness inevitably rests on the fact that there can be a situation when no one will come to the rescue,” says Igor Pozhidayev, recalling: we do not worry if we live alone in joyful events of life, and if problems occur, it happens that it’s better that no one knows about them and does not touch them. Fear only appears when, when we imagine: there will be trouble – and no one will come, no one will help and will not protect. This is a fear of a threat to life, but in fact a relative of the fear of death. And we must fight it in the same ways.

Poor Lisa
Finally, in a crisis, many are afraid to stay out of work, which means – without money. By the way, the fact of fear does not affect in any way whether this situation is real or not. To whom this fear is not exactly familiar, it is poor – those who somehow make ends meet, I’m sure Igor Pozhidaev. Also, fear is unknown to those who know how to “spin”. But those who got out of poverty by chance, are the right candidates for the owners of this variant of fear. Among them, the proportion of women is quite large. The reason for this situation lies in the fact that in many families the well-being of a woman depends on the well-being of her husband. “If for a man in such a society the norm is the desire to have a very high income, then for a woman it is considered normal to want to” get married successfully “- to have a husband with a very high income. The main thing is to be lucky. The price of this is dependence, “the psychologist sums up.

Strong fears among women appear with the first difficulties or even thoughts about them – when a woman realizes that she can not provide herself. The assumption of this possibility is the basis for the fear of poverty. 

The best way to combat this fear is independence. If you can secure yourself, then you are safe. 

As psychologists say, fighting fears is a hopeless business, as it is a fight against oneself. It is much more important to understand what is frightening you, and then take fear and realize what it was for. And only then start work: to imagine that the fears have come true, and to develop an action plan. “From the fixation regime on fear, you need to go into the search mode for a constructive solution for each specific case,” sums up Lyudmila Yurganova. 

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