25.10.2020

Four stages of recovery after the severance of relations

A huge number of words are said about how it is worth behaving on dates with a man you like. In what order to throw fiery glances, what to talk about and how to smile. But that excitement at the sight of the object of passion is more of a positive nature – you remember a flash of blush and indistinct mumbling with a smile. But when a loved one lets you know that you do not need him any more, overwhelming despair, helplessness and confusion, even after years, is remembered with shudder. 

The severance of relationships sometimes turns life upside down. Just yesterday you thought about how to spend an evening with this man, and at the same time the rest of life. And today your condition can be characterized in one word – absence. Lack of appetite, lack of sleep and a complete lack of understanding of how to live on.
Why is it so hard to survive the separation? Why this fear of loneliness? 

The fear of being abandoned is one of the primeval fears. Being abandoned for a child means death. 

He can not survive without the care of adults – depending on our individual characteristics, this fear manifests itself to some extent. Fear awakens when a person throws from whom we are waiting for love and support, and together with the horror of what happened, he can grow into a panic. 

Simultaneously with the fear of remaining alone, pain arises because we were rejected. That’s why we hear stories when a woman, forgetting about pride and self-esteem, pursues her former lover, throws him letters, even if he flatly refuses to make contact.

Psychologists distinguish four stages of recovery after a painful parting. 

Stage 1. I do not believe it! 
This period lasts from one to three weeks. You can not believe that you were abandoned. It’s very hard to realize. You can catch yourself thinking that you want to call him, hear his voice, see his face. Even if you are very worried, you may not fully realize that the relationship is over. Sometimes it seems to you that this is a dream that will soon end. Such feelings, when you do not accept reality, refuse to believe in what is happening, are a natural defensive reaction against pain. The same feelings people experience at the death of a loved one. It’s hard to believe that this is forever. To understand this, it takes time.

It seems to you that it can be returned. You again and again discuss what is happening with your friends, trying to understand what you did wrong. “If I only told him … if I just did not … we would still be together.” So, you are trying to analyze what happened, understand and accept it. 

Stage 2. Acute pain. 
This period lasts from two weeks to two months – depending on how long you’ve been together. You cry a lot, sleep badly, feel lonely, feel sorry for yourself. It is difficult to imagine that this nightmare will end someday – but the relief will certainly come. The main thing is not to succumb to temptation. 

What is not worth doing? 
• Restrain your feelings.Allow yourself to express emotions. If you feel like crying, cry, you want to tear photos – tear. Sooner or later you will wake up and realize that you are tired of crying and destroying the traces of past relationships. Share your feelings with friends, relatives – the more you tell about the experience, the easier it becomes for you. 

• Abuse alcohol and food. Stress, which you have written down or seized, to you will return, as soon as the food is digested, and intoxication will pass. Instead, it’s best to run a couple of laps in the nearest park or go to the gym. Any physical activity will reduce the internal tension. 

• Sit at home all the time.Do not close – go out into the street, meet with friends who you have not seen for a while, go to the movies, go shopping. The main thing is not to sit idle. To do this, plan in the evening, what will you do next day. Your friends can help you with this. 

• Call the former lover.You feel lost, want to at least talk to him, hear his voice. The desire to call your ex, the attempt to return him is nothing more than anesthesia, the desire to alleviate pain, to drown out loneliness. Hearing the voice of a man, meeting with him, you will get adrenaline, thrill – but it all has a temporary effect. The desire to cling to a man and keep at any cost often causes him to distance himself even further. You can get into a vicious circle – the more he moves away, the more you cling to him. He continues to distance himself, and you achieve with great zeal. If this is your case, stop and think. This behavior is unacceptable. Be patient. The tension that you are experiencing will increase. Wait until it passes – and it will pass. Concentrate on your feelings, but do not do anything. This will require enormous willpower and self-discipline.

Stage 3. Addictive. 

This period lasts from six months to a year. You stopped crying, your former remember without anger and tears – there was only a quiet sadness. Gradually, you begin to get used to the fact that the relationship is over, and you need to move on. You think about the future, try to organize your new life and glance sideways at the representatives of the opposite sex.

At the stage of habituation, you think a lot about the relations that have ended, analyze them and understand things that did not seem so obvious before. Relatives and friends stopped looking anxiously into your eyes and asked about your well-being – you smile and enjoy life. You yourself begin to notice that you are feeling better and ready to believe again, or at least try. Be engaged in what brings you joy – communicate, joke, do creativity – this is the right path to “recovery.” Allow yourself to sometimes become sad if you have such a need. Remember that these emotions are temporary, and, having experienced them in full, you will become easier.

Now is the time to understand the reasons for your gap, find your mistakes, not to repeat them in a new relationship. To do this, you can write a list of mistakes that you made in the relationship with the ex-lover. Perhaps you paid attention to secondary things, and the main ignored. The list will help you understand why your past relationships did not work out, and learn from your mistakes so as not to repeat them in the future. 

Stage 4. Recovery. 
This period lasts from six months to a year. You have a new life, new interests, and you like it. You have ceased to feel a victim of circumstances, have drawn conclusions and no longer repeat mistakes.
Most likely, you already have a new relationship, which is gradually developing, and you are happy that everything happened exactly this way. According to psychologists, at this stage you can establish friendly communication with a former lover – you have already calmed down and perceive it as a person with whom you have something in common in the past. 

If you still feel pain, negative emotions, recalling past relationships, try to leave them in the past with … letters. Psychologists advise writing a farewell letter – something that you would like to tell your ex-one. You can even cry a little while writing, but DO NOT send the letter to the addressee. You can leave it to re-read after a while, or burn it – finally saying goodbye to the past. After all, only leaving the past behind, you can look into the face of a happy future.

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