Fear of public censure and stereotypes cause women to suffer beatings and humiliation

Neither Russian nor international statistics indicate the exact number of cases of domestic violence that occurs over a woman. According to different data in Russia, every fourth becomes its victim, and in the world the number of such women varies from 25 to 50%. Presumably, the unofficial number is much higher. About why a woman allows a loved one to beat her, and how to prevent brutality, the correspondent of SHE explained. 

Despite the fact that it is usually difficult to raise the topic of domestic violence, psychologists recently note that women in Novosibirsk are increasingly coming to them with this problem. Today, the age of such a woman is on average 25 to 45 years. According to psychologists, women of different social status began to apply for help.

The most common domestic violence that women are allowed to talk about is physical violence. “They turn to us for help when the degree of beatings is still tolerable,” Svetlana Labetskaya, director of the municipal crisis center Raduga, says about the victims of domestic violence. Another type of violence, common in everyday life, is psychological violence. Here Svetlana Labetskaya implies such behavior of a man when he imposes certain forms of behavior on women or puts bans: do not go there, do not wear it, do not look at it, do not talk to it.

Psychological violence also includes “a variety of threats, insults, verbal humiliation, the use of obscene language, and scabrous expressions against women,” says Natalya Gurskaya, the head of the women’s welfare department in a difficult life situation. 

Also, according to Natalia Gurskaya, the family can talk about economic violence, when the husband strictly controls the finances of his wife, and about sexual violence. 

“In our country, women feel that they must fulfill some kind of conjugal duties. But where is it recorded, what are the duties? 

Often women do not view this as violence, but after all, coercion to sexual intercourse even in marital relations around the world is equated with it, “the psychologist recalls.

Who is guilty? 
“Unfortunately, what is considered violence in the West is a norm for our women,” Natalia Gurskaya said. And this situation is supported by the woman who became a victim of her husband.

Most often a man who terrorizes his wife, “unrestrained, conflicted, impulsive, does not know how to control his emotions, although he may just be a rude and aggressive person,” says Svetlana Labetskaya. Perhaps in the family of this man was not taken to be angry, and he began to accumulate anger, which at one point breaks, explains the psychologist of the center “Nika” Tatiana Teper. 

Alternatively, such men, on the contrary, from families where fathers beat mothers, and therefore they live according to a certain life scenario, says Anna Tanakova, a psychologist at the “April” center, adding that such a man may have an inferiority complex: “It is hardly a harmonious person, who owns himself, knows how to constructively solve problems and conflicts, will resort to violence. “

But sometimes a woman herself provokes a man for this behavior, she can be as quick-tempered and unrestrained, she needs to discharge herself and make a scandal, she starts screaming, arguing, sometimes even insulting, Svetlana Labetskaya explains. 

Usually a woman who accepts violence, as well as an aggressor man, “had a violent mother or father in the parents’ family. That is, it is normal for her that close people can beat, “

Tatyana Teper believes. And this acceptance of violence, according to the psychologist, provokes a man to aggression. 

Therefore, often a man and a woman in this situation find each other is not accidental, they perform their own role of “rapist” and “victim” and can not leave, says Anna Tanakova.

To correct something in their lives, women are also hampered by public stereotypes. “Beats – means loves, is jealous – means like, you have to live in marriage, you can not divorce, you can not argue with your husband, he is the head of the family, you can not talk about it, because you can not stand dirty linen,” Svetlana Labetskaya explains inactivity. 

Another reason why a woman does not leave her husband, who raises her hand, is the lack of opportunity to go somewhere. “In 40%, violence occurs because of dependence on housing conditions,” the lawyer of the public organization for the protection of women’s and children’s rights Anna Yaroslavtseva tells about her clients. Women in Novosibirsk are poorly informed about where and to whom they can go in a difficult situation. 

What to do?
Despite the fact that women began to seek help from psychologists, these appeals do not reflect the full picture of the violence in the city, because, for example, the appeal to a crisis center involves access to law enforcement agencies, and women do not want to contact them. In order not to bring the case to the police and psychologists, a woman in some cases herself may try to stop her abuser, but only at an early stage. “If a woman does not make a warning after the first time:” If you hit me again, then I do not live with you anymore “, then it will be useless. But if the woman did not fulfill the threat, then you can hit again, “- says Tatiana Teper. In general, a psychologist advises getting divorced if assault operations begin.

If the words do not help, but you can not disperse on your own, you can turn to a crisis center, which is in any district of the city, or to a public organization for the protection of rights. There the victim will receive psychological or legal assistance, she will be told where to go, what documents to collect, how to properly issue an application. 

“If you think there can be absolutely violence towards you, stock yourself with evidence, in this case, audio, video, testimony, written evidence are the four main points on which you can base your testimony,”

advises Anna Yaroslavtseva. Natalia Gurskaya recommends that women who live as a volcano always have documents at hand, deferred money for the first time, to know the numbers of the police, the Emergency Situations Ministry and the helpline.

But turning to a crisis center, a woman can not always and can immediately solve her problem. “We do not give ready-made recipes, it’s the choice of every woman – to live with such a husband or not, our task: to explain that a person inclined to this kind of aggression is unlikely to change. We help her through this difficult road of choice – either she lives the way she lives, or changes her life, “Natalia Gurskaya explained.