Divorced and very dangerous

The previous marriage of a man seriously affects subsequent relationships

He is intelligent, sympathetic and, most importantly, free. True, except for a dazzling smile and a brilliant mind, there is an ex-wife and two children. It would seem, what does this have to do with your love? However, women in online forums cry for help – jealousy for the ex-wife, who regularly requires not so much money, attention, aggression from her husband’s and children’s relatives from the first marriage and, of course, the harmful advice of girlfriends do not allow newly made wives to sleep peacefully and enjoy themselves cozy and fresh nest. What problems await women planning to link their lives with a divorced man, and how to deal with them, said psychologist, founder of the Institute of Counseling Alain Sagadeeva.

According to statistics, second marriages break up more often and faster than the first. What is the reason for this?

You can explain this by the fact that in a second marriage a man is more likely to make decisions if something does not suit him. In addition, during the time of the first marriage, tension usually accumulates in the form of grievances, claims, irritation for a variety of reasons. The statements or actions of the next wife are superimposed on the already prepared soil. And the reason for all is the lack of ability or the desire to accurately determine what you want and what you do not want to both partners and inform each other before the wedding, and not after. 

How does the previous union affect the new marriage? Will the building of a new family be based on the previous model?

The previous union affects the entire subsequent life in the most direct way. And the model of a new family will definitely depend on what the previous one was. The polar options are as follows. On the one hand, a man can decide that the whole thing is in the wrong choice, and you just need to change your chosen one. 

In this case, his behavior remains the same, only acquires some new features that showed themselves well in the first marriage. For example, a man learns to demand and shout either to remain silent and to leave conversation.

And then the conflict that led the man to divorce remains relevant, is transferred to a new family and is repeated with minor changes. On the other hand, if a man draws in-depth conclusions from his unfortunate experience, the second marriage can be quite successful. I call deep conclusions the results of an honest clarification of what the person himself has done to make the family fall apart. Not who is to blame, but how it worked. Then there is the opportunity to change the neurotic characteristics of one’s personality. In this case there is simply no reason for parting. 

Does the negative experience change the attitude of a man to marriage and his behavior? Is he becoming more tolerant, for example?

Changes, of course. Again, there is a huge variety of possible options. A man can become more tolerant, can learn to give a coat and open the door, and deep down to start hating a woman who subjects him to this stressor training. The most encouraging forecast is that in families where a man used the experience of the previous family in order to better understand themselves, to learn to understand their needs and adequately satisfy them, he was able to determine exactly what kind of woman he needed and why.

Is it important for a woman to know the reason for the divorce of her future husband? Should I discuss this with a man?

Alas, psychoanalysts have long found out that a couple of people are looking for themselves on the principle of similarity with the parent of the opposite sex. Often this similarity is not immediately noticeable. One of my clients, for example, the daughter of an alcoholic, married four times. Each time for a non-drinking man, as drunken fights in the parents’ family convinced her that when she drinks her husband, it’s impossible to be happy. And all four times she was divorced because of her husband’s alcoholism. Husbands. This is how our automatisms work. In the Russian family, the French are not born. Everyone can learn only what he himself can do. If the relations in the parents’ family were formed in a certain way, similar relations will develop in their own family. Therefore, it is important not only to discuss everything that can be discussed, but also to agree on what to do,

Rejection from friends or relatives – why is this happening and what to do in this case? 

Dislike is usually associated with the usual ways of responding. Accustomed to one girl – suddenly another! Have got used to one type of relations – suddenly others. 

In addition, people often evaluate each other, relying not only on very personal criteria that are not obvious to others, but also believing that they know something more in this life, better, deeper than the estimated new wife of a friend or relative. 

If people do not feel sorry for their strength to spend on hostility, it is better for them to mildly sympathize. And wait. Perhaps, having learned a new person better, others will change their mind. In the meantime, it does not happen, you need to use all possible resources to maintain your emotional balance. This state gives invulnerability.

What problems can arise with the children of the husband from the first marriage? How to build relationships with them correctly? 

Children from the first marriage often suffer from jealousy and feelings of inferiority – their own and my mother’s. Accordingly, if the child is not helped to understand that nothing terrible has happened, that the parents still eat and love him, that the world is changing and the parents too, such a child starts looking for the guilty. It can be him, and the parent who left the family, and the woman who “stole” the pope, and even relatives or others who allowed this to happen. Against this background, making friends with a child is not easy. Here, all the same inner balance, a sense of one’s own rightness, respect for the feelings of the child and for one’s own will be useful. If you are right, sooner or later it will become obvious.

A former wife can cause conflicts between newly married spouses. Frequent communication with the first wife, regular memories and comparisons – what does it say and how to react to it?

If the first wife is present in conversations, and even in the space of a new family, you can most likely talk about a so-called “substitute” marriage. This means that the man did not manage to complete the relationship with one woman and began to develop relations with the other. It often happens that the second marriage is just a perverted form of continuing the relationship with the first wife. In this case, it is generally better to think, how did it happen that you married a strange man? It is best to pause, even to part, and see what will happen. Women are often afraid of this step, believing that they can lose a man. But then the question arises: why do you need a man who needs to watch? If a man firmly knows who exactly he needs – this is a guarantee of a strong family, almost the only one.

What can a woman do to make her husband’s second marriage happy and last? 

A woman needs to be able to properly take care of herself. Do not expect that the man will guess something himself. He needs to help to guess what you want. Taking care of yourself includes not only a tanning salon or manicure. 

Women tend to expect that a man will make them happy. This is a girl’s dream! A woman needs to show the man how to treat her.

For this, her attitude to herself must be appropriate. And do not tell him too often that you do not like. It is better to constantly point out what you like. Then his attention will gradually go to the area you need. It is necessary to study your partner, calmly and with pleasure learning how his internal mechanisms work. In this case, you will know him better than he does. Accordingly, for him the happiness experienced next to you will seem possible ONLY next to you.