Where does that come from
When a child is born into the world, he does not know what he looks like. From about two years old he begins to identify himself with reflection in the mirror, and in a few years he will be able to confidently say that he, for example, has a crooked nose. As Gestalt psychotherapist of the Center of Psychology of the National University of Rimma Efimkin told, all our internal assessments of ourselves, which we sincerely consider to be our own, are in fact internalized (that is, left inside) external. “The fact that in her early childhood her mother spoke to the girl becomes her inner self-esteem. If the initial attitude was critical, the self-esteem would be low, “explains the therapist. She also adds that in our tradition from time immemorial it has been customary to ritually abuse the appearance of the girl – it was considered a kind of amulet,
From the inside out
So a good thing turned out to be a problem for thousands of girls who can not accept the fact that their breasts are too small, the hair is rare, and the hips are bulky. “Initially, the reason for dissatisfaction is internal psychological factors, and external, social stereotypes support them,” said the therapist Andrei Ermakov, a psychotherapist psychosomatic department at the Harmony Center of the Road Clinical Hospital.
At the same time, the more society is oriented towards social success, to manifest itself outside, the greater the pressure on individual psychology, and, correspondingly, the deeper the problem.
In addition, we must not forget that although women suddenly began to consider themselves free and independent, culture remains patriarchal – after all, traditions change more slowly than social processes. “We are dominated by stereotypes associated with social expectations, a woman is expected that she will look like an eternal child for as long as possible. “It’s not even in the cult of youth, but in the cult of childishness.
Attractive are plump lips, big eyes, thick eyelashes, snub-nosed little nose, velvety skin – all that is peculiar to children, adult women tend to reach, “says Rimma Efimkina.
Test of attractiveness
At the same time, it is women who suffer from inconsistency with the ideal standard, even if it is not realized. “The female psyche is multilayered – if a woman succeeds in one area, she will still look for flaws in another. Unlike a man who, having achieved, for example, success in work, everything else can be safely ignored, “explains the psychologist Irina Polyakova.
At the same time, many are subject to the search for physical imperfection, but not all. No wonder they say that behind the sensation of physical imperfection are deep psychological experiences. Therefore, the response to the question “Do you find yourself attractive?” Is a kind of test for psychological well-being.
The extreme manifestation of discontent is already a disease, called “dysmorphophobia” and is treated by a specialist. As explained by Andrei Ermakov, it is quite simple to define the border: patients with dysmorphophobia are not just unhappy with appearance, they have a complete fixation on a real or imaginary shortage. And these are those who will not be pleased with any changes, even after the operation.
But even “ordinary” dissatisfaction with itself entails bad consequences. First of all – the inability to make at least a step on the way to self-improvement.
“The experience of a woman takes so much energy that there is no energy left for anything else,” Rimma Efimkina comments, pointing to the reason that a woman with developed discontent with her appearance usually has a vicious circle.
Weapons of struggle
So, the problem is defined. There is a logical question – how to be. Specialists of miracles do not promise and directly point out that the expression “love yourself” almost never works by itself. But the methods work and the time that you spend to implement them.
“You can fight against yourself, but you can fight for your dignity. The first option is useless, but the second one is more than prosperous “, assures Irina Polyakova. This is often said in women’s forums – instead of crying over thick priests, it is much more useful to make this ass pridat.
The golden mean
Take a notebook and do a simple job: write down in one column those qualities that you like, and in another – that does not suit you. And then, for each item, both in the first and second column, formulate a “counterweight”. “If a person’s perception of himself is disturbed, he thinks in a polar way, he can not evaluate himself holistically,” Andrei Ermakov explains the essence of the exercise.
Playing in a flip-flop
To love yourself, you will have to learn to love yourself in all its manifestations. To begin with, at least in words. Every thought about your own appearance, which is born in your head, should be formulated in a positive way.
The effect of dating
Psychologists are advised to often look in the mirror. The psychological effect is that the more you “get used to” the image of a particular object, a person or a part of the body, the more attractive it seems. That’s why people with familiar facial features seem attractive to us. So the more we look in the mirror, the more we like ourselves.
In the book of the famous female psychologist Clarissa Pinkola Estes, there is a chapter entitled “A Camouflage of Liberation”. It contains the following exercise. A woman sews a white hoodie to the heel and on every section that is responsible for this or that part of the body, writes all the remarks that people made meaningful to her throughout her life. As a result, the whole hoodie will be covered with a variety of estimates. “I gave this exercise at women’s trainings. Many cried when they understood how many external evaluations they had been hung on. But when they painted it to the end, they felt pride – that they could survive all this, “Rimma Efimkina says, noting that the only way to love oneself is the path of an ugly duckling who has to go through all the stages in order to be accepted among his own.
Learn to love yourself!