Family life is like a huge infinite puzzle. Add the whole picture and not let it crumble – it’s not an easy thing. Effort and diligence do not always give a result – it happens that all the same does not fit, does not add up. In Russian families, the picture collapses into pieces in half the cases. While numerologists are digging in numbers, and astrologers compose horoscopes of compatibility, SHE correspondent turned to psychologists and found out if love is enough to make it work out, and how without the participation of stars and the magic of numbers to determine whether you are approaching each other or not.
“They did not agree with the characters,” is a phrase that discourages friends from continuing to ask questions about the reasons for the separation. “Wrong choice of a partner” – this phrase experts explain the reasons for most divorce. “Compatibility in marital relations is the extent to which the couple fit together in order to live together long and happily,” explains the director of the Anti-Stress Center, the psychotherapist Maxim Zagoruiko. – It is determined by two main parameters – satisfaction with relationships and the duration of their existence. ” The more they are, the higher the compatibility. At the same time, both these parameters are equally important – even the most beautiful relations can be short, and the celebration of a silver wedding does not guarantee a high level of happiness for the spouses sitting at the table.
Dr. Glenn Wilson of the University of London, for 20 years, observed married couples and developed 25 criteria to calculate the compatibility quota and make a prediction for the future.
For example, according to the study, marriage, where spouses have similar views on politics and pornography, is 8 times stronger than the one where the views of partners on these issues vary. Comparable sexual experience will also add to the marriage of sustainability (men experience if the partner is much more experienced). And couples with the same preferences in food are bred 3 times less often.
Another curious conclusion concerns alcohol: couples where only one partner drinks and the other abstains, stronger than those where both drink or abstain.
Full compatibility – really?
Find your soul mate – a man to match with you in all respects – is not it a dream for a romantic woman? “The complete psychological compatibility of two people is an illusion, it is impossible,” says the family psychologist Sergei Zolotarev. – Even within one person there are contradictions, dissatisfaction with their actions. And even between different people – even more so. ” In addition, values change over time – what was important in the first years of life, can lose relevance in 15 years or earlier. Sergei Zolotarev cites the example of a married couple that suited everything for three years, but the man refused to have a child, and the woman suddenly realized that she did not think of a family without children.
Joint life from this point of view resembles an attempt to insert the key blank in the keyhole – suddenly lucky, and the door will open by itself. If not, you’ll have to work – people call it “lapping.” Sometimes the lock breaks down from excessive efforts, or time goes by, and the key does not fit – you have to look for another one.
Maxim Zagoruiko is sure that the desire for perfect compatibility can even hinder the building of relationships – it is important that there is some initial level of compatibility and the desire to meet each other halfway: “Under such conditions compatibility with time increases. For a harmonious relationship, it is enough to have compatibility in several basic spheres, the most valuable for both spouses. ”
So it’s no good.
If you are not Glenn Wilson, then to reveal a set of the most important qualities, the compatibility of which guarantees well-being in the future is extremely difficult.
However, in general, according to experts, the same temperament people get along better with each other than the different. The most stable are pairs of sanguine – melancholic, phlegmatic – choleric.
If you address the characteristics of the character, then, according to Sergei Zolotarev, an example of apparent incompatibility will be the union of two egoists, each of which is aimed at immediate satisfaction of their needs. If the desire for love can coincide with the background of love, then in time it turns out that the partner simply is not able to satisfy the wishes of the other. A different picture in the alliance of the altruist and the egoist – despite the occasional grumbling of the first, he seeks to give up his love and care, while the latter accepts it with joy. In the end, everyone gets what they want.
“Most likely, it will be difficult to get along with a man and a woman whose parents’ families are very different from each other,” adds Maxim Zagoruiko. For example, in the family of a woman, the father dominated, and his mother obeyed everything, and in the family of the man, on the contrary, the mother dominated. As a result, both will vainly wait for guidance and care. As explained by the therapist, the risk of incompatibility and failure in the future has couples who:
• even during courtship, serious quarrels and conflicts arise;
• official registration of relations is regularly postponed;
• Some of the partners have excessive dependence on parents or irresponsibility;
• and also in cases when the desire to marry is dictated by certain motives – to leave the parents or to annoy someone by marrying.
Too little love
The question of whether love is an indispensable and sufficient condition for harmonious relations is rather rhetorical. For sure, everyone will have examples that prove the veracity and falsity of this statement. “One of my colleagues believed that the presence of love for a harmonious relationship is enough – says Sergei Zolotarev. “And love, according to the Kamasutra, is the sum of three attractions. The attraction of the mind generates respect, the attraction of the soul generates friendship, and the attraction of the body generates passion. The presence of two drives is a sign of compatibility and satisfactory relations. A union based only on one attraction is not satisfactory and not long-lived. ”
Sergei Zolotarev himself does not think that one love will be enough – for the simple reason that manifestations of this feeling and expectations from partners may not coincide in many respects.
And, finally, in order to understand whether the chosen one is suitable for you, you should realize the importance of this issue. “Often a woman chooses a blouse much more carefully and responsibly than a man. It is important to know your values, interests, role preferences – for example, do you love to be guided by a man, or quite the contrary, “says the therapist Zagoruiko. Having dealt with yourself, pay attention to your partner – the decision taken in a hurry to go to the registry office is more dangerous than delaying the wedding. A year and a half is a probationary period, during which it is necessary to study the views and values of the partner. “It would be nice to live together for a while” for a test, “Maxim Zagoruiko recommends. “Planning to re-educate a partner is a utopian and ungrateful undertaking.”