Children’s surprise

Lack of parental love in childhood makes women become careerists and suffer from appearance

The girls turn around at the mirror from the very childhood: they try on mother’s beads and shoes, then – they start using it for their adult purpose, looking for pimples and cellulite. We envy the innocence of childhood, and yet it is at this age, according to popular belief, that what we are forced to hate is this mirror: after all, there are complexes about their appearance, according to statistics, from every second woman. About what other complexes are cultivated with us at a tender age and what to do with them, learned the correspondent of SE.

The very concept of the complex was introduced by Karl Gustave Jung and denoted this term “an emotionally colored set of ideas, motives and attitudes forming in the unconscious (or superseded into it), which has a significant impact on the development and functioning of the psyche, personality and human behavior.” In the understanding of everyday complex – a set of psychological problems that prevent us from living and working normally. 

Education is violence
On the question of where the complexes come from, perhaps, any person, awakened at night, will answer. He will answer “from childhood”. Psychologists are slow to abandon this assertion. And their argument is argued, in contrast to domestic debaters, who vehemently deny that children with complexes can grow up in a cloudless childhood and in loving parents. If we are talking not about traumatic situations related to cruelty of parents (everything is obvious here), Rima Efimkin explained the mechanism of appearance of the so-called complex, Gestalt psychotherapist of the psychological center of NSU: “When a child is born, he has no cultural skills. That they appeared, it must be socialized, and any socialization takes place through education. In fact – by prohibitions. First forbidden to walk under him, then champ at the table. This is not some cruel measures, but it’s still prohibitions that cause negative emotions, especially during childhood crises. For example, in three years, when the child begins to realize himself and wants to express his “I myself”, but still does not know how to do it in a socially approved way. This is not about a dysfunctional family, but about the measures of educational influence themselves – they can not but cause negative emotional reactions. And if they go off scale, then a child’s trauma can form. ” In this regard, there is even the book of the famous child psychologist Alisa Miller “In the beginning was education,” in which she analyzes the following thesis: any upbringing is violence, and any pedagogy is the theory and practice of violence. when a child begins to realize himself and wants to express his “self”, but still does not know how to do it in a socially approved way. This is not about a dysfunctional family, but about the measures of educational influence themselves – they can not but cause negative emotional reactions. And if they go off scale, then a child’s trauma can form. ” In this regard, there is even the book of the famous child psychologist Alisa Miller “In the beginning was education,” in which she analyzes the following thesis: any upbringing is violence, and any pedagogy is the theory and practice of violence. when a child begins to realize himself and wants to express his “self”, but still does not know how to do it in a socially approved way. This is not about a dysfunctional family, but about the measures of educational influence themselves – they can not but cause negative emotional reactions. And if they go off scale, then a child’s trauma can form. ” In this regard, there is even the book of the famous child psychologist Alisa Miller “In the beginning was education,” in which she analyzes the following thesis: any upbringing is violence, and any pedagogy is the theory and practice of violence.

In other words, the cultural environment itself, in which a little man is born, is the background for the development of complexes. 

The thesis is very sad, but this is no reason to grieve about the imperfection of the world order. There are problems and repressed complexes, and most people cope with them independently. The system of self-regulation in normal people, as psychologists say, only fails during periods of life crises (especially age). “This is not a pathology, but a normal development of a person with his personal characteristics,” sums up Rimma Efimkin, not recommending that we all be called, with complexes that are sick people. 

A complex approach
But even the knowledge of psychological theory does not abolish the rule that complexes in some are more powerful than others: for some women, to complain about cellulite is something like coquetry and admitting one’s weaknesses; in others, because of the pinched thighs, life dramas are played out without exaggeration. To know the enemy in person, it is necessary to understand where the most frequent female complexes are born. 

“Ugly I”

Most ladies are very critical of their appearance. Many explain this by saying that “the world is like this, and there must be winners in it.” Simply – not to hit your face in the mud, you need to look better than everyone. Director of the Center for Medical Sexology and Psychotherapy Igor Poperechny explains: for an unconditional love for oneself, one that does not depend on external evaluations, the mother answers (“I love you no matter what you are born and what you would not do”). And since many women were deprived of this in their childhood, they unwittingly and unconsciously reproduce a negative attitude to their child. As a result, the girl grows in a stream of criticism and is not able to perceive herself as a woman with her physical characteristics – full thighs or thin booty, a small chest or an excessively lush bust.

It is from the girls who did not feel maternal love that careerists grow up – women who prefer life to all the joys of life: they all life subconsciously prove to their mother that they are good for something. 

“I want everyone to like me”
Complexes about the fact that a woman does not know how to like others, is not always reduced to appearance. Happens, the character did not come out, it’s difficult with people, but it’s difficult to understand in yourself. The woman begins to worry that she is not like everyone else. Rimma Yefimkina tells about the origins: “The woman is initially focused on the effectiveness in communication, while the man – on the effectiveness in the activity. The girl should behave so that it is pleasant to communicate with her – to be affectionate, to guess the mood of parents – then her husband. ” Being brought up within the framework of such model, the girl then starts to complex from the fact that her personal characteristics and needs do not fit into the norms. For example, she does not know how to cook, but her upbringing says: that her husband should love, one should cook three dishes and dessert for dinner to his faithful. 

“I’m a failure”
Our strict age requires a woman to be no less successful than a man. It turns out to reach heights not at all and not always. The ability to receive what is desired and not be scolded for mistakes is answered by the male component of upbringing. “In shaping the way a girl interacts with the surrounding world, the father plays a huge role,” Igor Poperechny explains. Fatherly love, as opposed to unconditional maternal love, is conditional, that is, ideally represents a positive evaluation of all actions, attempts that the child is undertaking. In other words, it is from the father that the girl receives the first positive reinforcement in her ability to dress, learn and act in general, which either remains on her life or poisons her life with her absence. 

What to do
The first and most important event in the matter of getting rid of complexes is the process of its identification. Usually it is a painful process. This is not for everyone, because for their complexes people, strangely enough, keep to the last and very strong: “Usually a woman comes to a psychologist to complain about the actual problem situation. But during the story, he recalls that in the past there were similar situations. And, in the end, it goes emotionally to one of the very first traumatic situations, “explains the mechanism of Rimma Efimkin, telling about why the complexes are so tenacious: a small man, having survived a difficult situation (often insignificant by adult standards), all his life unconsciously trying recreate the very situation to replay it, ultimately repeating the parent scenario.

And only when there is a breakthrough, the moment of the initial event’s exit to the surface, you can start working with the complex, deliberately changing the type of your behavior. 

“We can not fight against complexes. If they start to fight with them, as well as with problems, they will win, “says Igor Poperechny,

telling that the only method of working with complexes is to consciously form a state of unconditional love for oneself, forming the so-called” positive impasse “: all , whatever is done, is correct. 

Therefore, following the advice of specialists, you can safely recommend: learn to love yourself, and complexes will wait. They are not the most important thing in life, they just do not need to get hung up on them. 

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