Eleven years ago, the world community exploded from unexpected news – an exemplary family man and concurrently the US president turned out to be an infamous traitor. On the infidelity of ordinary Novosibirsk guys on television, as a rule, do not report, but this does not reduce the number of female tragedies about the betrayal of a beloved man. SHE correspondents found out how to react to such news and how to live on.
According to various sources, from 50 to 75% of men at least once changed their beloved. They explain this in different ways – everything can become the cause: from the gained weight of the spouse to seeking new sensations and a natural call to fertilize as many women as possible. According to polls, about 75% are ready to change the permanent partner if they are not caught red-handed (for the sake of fairness, it should be noted that this percentage is not much lower for women – about 68%). Men assure that the desire for polygamy is inherent in nature, women respond with natural intuition, which often tells them if something goes wrong.
According to foreign studies, about 85% of women who suspect a spouse of treason, unfortunately, are right.
“It is true that a woman intuitively feels the betrayal of a man,” says psychologist-consultant Tatyana Anisimova. “As Kipling said, a woman’s guess is more accurate than a man’s confidence.” However, knowledge does not at all mean a moral readiness for this – we know perfectly well that we are all mortal, but this hardly makes it easier for the experience when a loved one leaves the life. Nevertheless, intuition is of great importance in family relationships. “A young woman came to see me at the reception – she had a strong anxiety when her husband left home,” says psychologist-consultant Sergey Svetlov. – That is, she already felt then that there was a rival – and soon this situation surfaced. So intuition for women works very well – another question is whether they trust her. We all try to avoid the bad, pretend,
If you think that a man behaves suspiciously, do not rush to roll up a scene or hire a private detective. According to Tatiana Anisimova, you should not look for signs of treason specifically, thoroughly figuring out where the man was and what he was doing: “If there was some inner feeling, it did not arise from scratch. We must work with ourselves. Honestly evaluate everything and change in yourself what is having a negative impact on your relations. ” Sergei Svetlov also does not recommend rushing, but for another reason:
Honey, I have another
It is worth noting that not all women use intuition. Otherwise, there would not be sad stories about male surprises on the forums when nothing was foreshadowing troubles, a happy family was preparing for the New Year or moving, and then … Even for women whose intuition desperately suggested that the family was collapsing, the statement of the spouse about leaving is knocked out soil from under the feet and gives rise to an explosive mixture of anger, despair and a sense of helplessness. This is the first stage of the experience, at which the council takes itself in hand and calms down sounds like a mockery. “For women, this is a great shock, how to respond to this – depends on the woman’s personality, on how she got used to coping with her problems,” says Sergey Svetlov. – Someone will roll a scandal and thus discharge, and someone will close in themselves. Anyway, it is necessary to share with someone – but it is to speak out, and not take advice from a friend, because he has his own ideas about life that this woman does not fit. When a woman speaks out, it will be easier for her to comprehend what has happened, she will come to another level. “
After tears and sleepless nights comes the need to seek answers to the questions, the main one of which: what will happen next? If a man has not collected a suitcase, and has remained begging for forgiveness, assuring of boundless love, can he be trusted? According to Sergei Svetlov, it depends on what your chosen representative is:
“There are infantile men, in fact – adult little children, very selfish. Like, let me be fine, and you, like mom, bear it. Such a man, of course, is difficult to believe: he does not take responsibility for another person, remains a child, so – until the next toy.
And if he is a mature person, then he can be trusted. In fact, a man is the one who is responsible for his words. In a man you need to grow up, become it. So you need to look at the degree of this maturity. “
Come back, I’ll forgive all.
Women often underestimate men, using words about them that are suitable for dumb babies or animals. It is considered, for example, that a man can be hijacked, taken away or returned.
In fact, no man will leave from where he is well, and will not return to where he is ill, however much he is dragged.
But if a man is at a crossroads and has not yet decided where to go next, to make efforts and to influence the situation, it is really possible. “This is not a myth, you can return a man – if you understand what is the reason for his betrayal,” – assured Tatiana Anisimova. According to Sergei Svetlov, there are no unique recommendations and general formulas in such situations: “But in any case, you need to try – change your behavior, understand what the woman was wrong, what she did not give to her man. There are times when you need to step over your grievance to find out the causes of the situation. “
But even if a woman succeeds in eliminating something that has poisoned the relationship, the resulting distrust will have to be healed for a very long time. “If we start from the theory of systemic constellations, then the person who caused the pain to others will not get off with mere forgiveness,” says Sergey Svetlov. – He must sacrifice something, too, must experience a certain pain (to a lesser extent, to the extent), then the balance will be restored. ” Otherwise, the imbalance will persist, and the woman will not be able to forgive until the end, and this is the ground for new grievances and conflicts.
Where eyes look
If the separation did happen, before you dive headlong into a new relationship, you need to analyze the old. “Firstly, you should ask yourself: what was wrong with me? And draw conclusions. Secondly, somehow survive the pain of loss – this takes time. And thirdly: a favorable next relationship is possible only if the woman has peace of mind and even gratitude to the previous man – for giving him experience, “says Sergey Svetlov. Even if it is difficult for you to imagine how you will thank the person who cheated on you, it is vital to get rid of the negative towards him, otherwise the subsequent relationship will be threatened: “If there is resentment, anger, these feelings will be transferred by the woman to another man. And whatever man you choose, everything starts to repeat.